Only Everyone Can Judge Me.

In the past I have written about unsolicited advice without thinking about the cause of it. Just like my alcoholism is a cause of a spiritual problem, unsolicited advice seems to be a side effect of judgement and judgement seems to run rampant in our lives. Be honest. You have found yourself judging your friends for taking back that boyfriend. You have judged your boyfriend for his outfit choice. You have judged someone for posting something on Facebook or for the amount of carbs they consume. You have probably at one point or another judged every person that has touched your life. I would be lying if I didn’t say I have done it too. It’s human nature. It’s what we choose to do with that judgement that makes all the difference.

Here is a scenario to explain better what I mean. Its completely fictional but it’s also feasible, so envision yourself in this position and stick with me. Your girlfriend comes to you in tears over a fight she had with her boyfriend. She is furious, spewing vitriol, planning her break up and post partying plans. In exchange you man-hate the hell out of the good for nothing asshole who made her cry. The call ends with some laughs, she blows her nose and goes on her merry little angry way. Stop right there though. As adults, if we are functioning ones, we should ALL know that a reaction that is based on emotion is not the most sound reaction. This is why there are entire courses on teaching you to not respond to an email when you feel emotion. This is why people tell you to WALK AWAY and breathe from situations. Venting to our trusted human’s is a part of that cool down period though. Ok so back to sassy pants and her boyfriend problems…The next morning you are scrolling through Facebook and see a picture of your bestie and her scum bag boyfriend canoodling over coffee and donuts and cannot believe your eyes. HOW could she forgive him after all we had discussed last night?! Instantly your brain starts firing off thoughts “she is so dumb. What is she thinking? She is just setting herself up to be hurt.” THAT. IS. JUDGEMENT. You are absolutely entitled to feel and think those things. But let’s stop and think through this a little further. Do you know what happened after you sent her on her way? Do you know what that relationship is based on? Were you a fly on the wall when they hashed out their problems? No. All you know is what someone told you in a moment of heat. Let’s pretend this is one of those stories you get to choose the ending. You have two options:

A) You like the photo and text your friend, “Glad to see things seemed to calm down. Let me know if you need anything, I’m here for you.”

B) You either send a passive aggressive text message or ignore your friend for days because you are personally offended by her life choice.

If you picked A you and your friend are on the road to a harmonious and healthy friendship. If you picked B you might be strong arming your friends and trying to control people too much. It is rare that people, especially women, go on and on and gush about the great things about their lives and their relationships. It’s much more common in this world to complain and bitch about the bad. I am SO guilty of this. But I am working on it.

I wanted to write about this because for years and years I have allowed people to tell me exactly what they felt I should be doing with my life. Who I should date, how I should dye my hair, how I should respond to life events, and so on and so forth. I either silently took everything in stride and let people throw their stones in the glass house or I erupted and burned their house down with an onslaught of verbal abuse (a horrid defensive mechanism when I feel attacked.) Sometimes I simply agreed because life is easier when you are agreeable.

Period, point blank, you are only in control of your own reaction to your own life events. You aren’t even in control of your relationships or friendships. Literally, the only thing you can do is control your attitude, your speech, and how you handle situations.

This has been an infuriating life lesson to learn. I have two sisters I have been spending a lot of time with lately. We have girls nights constantly. This entails…..ding ding ding, talking about boys and relationships. I have learned to sit back, LISTEN to LISTEN NOT TO RESPOND. I process everything and of course judgement is coming into my thought process BUT I DO NOT SPEAK ON IT. WHY?! BECAUSE IT IS NOT  MY PLACE. I wait until a question is directly asked to me…”what would you do?” and I give a gentle yet honest response. You  have to understand that people are ultimately going to do what their heart desires at the end of the day. You cannot prevent that…again…you can only control  your behaviors. This is why I can’t figure out why people argue online. I have never once seen a political fight on the internet end with someone saying “You know what? You are right! I am totally a republican now.”

Be there for your humans. Have an opinion because you love your humans and help them through hard times. When they ask for advice be grateful they trust you to supply it. If they want to cry give them a shoulder. Think before you speak.

It is so easy for me to say this on a blog, but I have struggled for so long with standing up for what I believe in respectfully. Like I said I either keep my mouth shut or go off the wall with my mouth. But there was an event that happened this year that cost me a friendship and I do not regret it. A person felt it was their place to lecture me, dig into the past and try to tell me what I should do. I laid out how I felt [respectfully] and then I walked away. Life is hard enough without trying to win the approval of people who say they love you. I could of gone on to lay her past on the table like she did to me but you know what? Even though I was hurt, it wasn’t  my place. That is not my inventory. I am not going to pick it up and carry it around.

 

 

 

Thirty, Flirty, and Thigh gap-less

Lately I have been doing so much reflecting on who I am now and who I used to be, I don’t even recognize myself sometimes. That’s a good thing in case you are wondering. Today I was reflecting on how I am with my body image now in my 30’s versus how I was in my early twenties to just a few month’s ago.

When I was 22 I decided to get married…this is just a footnote in this story we can reflect on that poor life choice at another time. I gathered up my bridesmaids and step mom and went to David’s Bridal, the McDonald’s of Bridal Fashion (Barf). I tried on 3 dresses and fell in love with the third and called it a day. I was by no means a bridezilla… probably because I was more interested in the wedding than the relationship so if it all went to shit it didn’t really matter at least we had fun planning it right! My step mom lovingly took pictures of me from every angle and for the first time, to my horror, I realized how “FAT” I was. I decided there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to let a hundred people take candid photos of me looking like Snooki’s twin (I had dark brown hair, a severe tan, and was a little overweight). I instantly hopped on the latest craze- HCG. If you are not familiar this is a diet that allows only 500 calories of severely restricted calories. No dairy. No sugar. No carbs. No alcohol (wish that would have stuck.) In a month I lost 25 pounds. Over the next few months I lost another 20 pounds. I was a svelte 125 on my wedding day and never felt more confident. The praise I received during my transition lifted me higher than I had ever been in my life. HCG did nothing but make me skinny and teach me how to starve myself. The years that followed would be fraught with starvation, counting calories, over exercising and eventually the diagnosis of body dysmorphic disorder. If you are not aware: “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable.” This is not something I have divulged to people. My therapist worked for years on helping me overcome anxiety and my obsession with weight. I weighed myself 3 times a day and ate less than 400 calories a day at my worst. I continued to do so because of the praise. My self worth was reliant on a number on the scale.

When I KIND of got my obsession with weight under control there was a shift. I began obsessing on my appearance. I became infatuated with spending every penny in my account on Nordstrom makeup and skin care. Christian Dior eyebrow pencils. Bobbi Brown mascara, every face mask Philosophy could supply. Don’t get me wrong….there are some things I will still spend more on as a woman, but I no longer turn my nose up to drug store makeup or feel like if I don’t have Christian Dior eyebrows I am an ugly peasant.

So where am I at today? I am currently trying to lose weight but not to be skinny or sexy…because I have abused my body with alcohol and starvation for so long that I want to nurture it and love it the way it deserves. It has carried me through this life thus far without failing me while I mistreated it daily. I hardly step on a scale and try to stop myself from making negative comments about myself. I try to stay disciplined in my Keto lifestyle not because if I cheat I feel “fat” or like a failure but because I want my body to operate at its prime.

I have thoroughly enjoyed finding drug store, or cheaper dupes for my more pricey cosmetics. I will note there a few things I will always be loyal to (funds permitted)…Philosophy Hope in a Jar Foundation and a good moisturizer (Philosophy Miracle Worker or Hope in a Jar). I haven’t stepped foot in a Nordstrom or received a Nordy’s note in months. My new high isn’t spending my whole paycheck on 2 items, but chasing down the best deals and best kept secrets in the cheap makeup world.

My self worth doesn’t lie at the bottom of a heap of expensive makeup or in a size 4 jeans anymore. It is measured by how loved the people around me feel in my presence. How much I can give to people who have given to me. Maintaining sobriety. Being healthy so I can live the best and longest life possible.

December: A Sparkly Reminder of This Beautiful Life

November I focused a lot on gratitude in both my personal life and my alcoholics anonymous life. I enjoyed several gratitude dinners and tried to make an inventory of all the things I have to be grateful for. With December right around the corner I was reflecting on my December goals but I want to have a focus for the month of December as well. Since November is all about being thankful for what we have, I want the focus of December to be giving as well as peace. I’m not talking about the gifts we put under our family’s tree and the money we spend. I want to focus on giving back to those who have overfilled my heart and my life with hope, love, strength, and experience. This can be as small as sending a text to a friend to compliment them and thank them for being in my life, making my grandma dinner, taking my niece and nephew to go ice skating….any small act of kindness is a way of giving back to those we love and putting good into the universe. As for the peace aspect, this is something that comes from within. Do more things to make your life peaceful. Practice self care. Be gentle with yourself. This is a stressful time of year for many. The holidays are often difficult for those of us who have lost someone we love. Allow yourself to be at peace in the moment you are in.

Christmas is one of my favorite times of year but it has never been about the presents for me. It’s the small moments like selecting the perfectly imperfect Charlie Brown tree and decorating it to the sound of Elvis. Making hot cocoa and watching “The Grinch.” Having a reason to come out of my shell and visit my family and friends in such a festive environment. It’s a little sparkly reminder of the beauty we share in our lives.

I used to be SO against New Years Resolutions. I felt like I was just setting myself up for failure, but now that I have grown so much spiritually and emotionally I think monthly, even daily goals are important! They keep us accountable and on the path to be our best selves. Here are my December goals:

CAREER:

• Send out 250+ mailings for real estate career
• Attend ALL sales meetings and floor time
• Obtain one + listing

PHYSICAL: 

• Continue with Keto and stick to it (except Christmas and Christmas Eve)
• Get back to the gym even if it’s just a few days a week
• Work on strengthening lungs by jogging

These are of course just in addition to the things I do on a regular basis…meetings, meeting with sponsor, reaching out to friends in the program, meditation, reading self-help books, etc.

December is also an exciting month for Pagans! I will touch on them more in detail throughout the month. Here is a short Summary:

• 3: Full moon — Long Nights Moon at 10:48 am.  Now is a good season for spiritual alchemy — time to evaluate your life, and know that you’ll survive the dark times. If you’ve already put the darkness behind you, take your good fortune and share it with others.
• 5: Krampusnacht, celebrating Krampus, a Bavarian figure who is the opposite of Santa Claus
• 17: Beginning of Saturnalia, a Roman celebration honoring the god Saturn.
• 21: Yule, the winter solstice
• 22: Celtic Tree Month of Elder ends
• 23: Celtic Tree Month of Birch begins
• 25: Feast of Frau Holle, Germanic goddess
• 25: Christmas Day
• 31: Festival of Hogmanay

SOURCE: Wiccan Calendar

So friends, finish out November STRONG. Continue to carry gratitude forward and get ready to finish the year out strong in December with a focus on peace and giving.

Sober Holiday’s Blues.

The holiday’s are normally my favorite time of year. I love everything from the family time, Christmas tree hunting, sledding, snowboarding, Christmas parties, shopping for gifts and the food. This year I have a sense of dread. All of those events I mentioned above, I did under the influence. Yes, even snowboarding, which inevitably led to me injuring myself that has had a lasting impact on my right knee and ankle. My whole family for the most part drinks. The whole focal point of Holiday parties whether business or personal, is alcohol. I have a business party for my real estate business and I am thankful that the majority of my agent friends know and are aware I don’t drink and am in the program but I am still worried about so many triggers. I have a game plan in place for Thanksgiving. I am going to my friend from the program’s house first to eat with her family and then I am going to the “sober” family’s house. I can’t avoid family functions indefinitely though. Some of my family members in themselves are triggers for me. I used to only be able to handle certain people because I was half loaded by the time I showed up.

I guess the only thing I can do is take it one day at a time.  I wish our society was not so obsessed with alcohol and that you aren’t considered “different” if you DON’T drink. I wish I wasn’t sick and I could drink in moderation with my friends and family and not destroy my life. I wish there was a cure for addiction. As wonderful as the program is and how much it helps, it doesn’t wipe you clean of your demons and vices. The disease sits in me and will for the rest of my life. I would be lying if I said I don’t feel bummed that this holiday season I won’t be drinking. Drinking was a huge part of my life for the majority of my adult life. It will be weird and hard not having a drink on Christmas or New Years eve. I am still trying to figure out what sober people do on these days?

I do know that no matter what I will get through it because I have an amazing support system. It’s just been a thought in the back of my head for the past few days with Thanksgiving looming ahead and no pinot grigio to get me through awkward family exchanges.

For my sober friends who are also in the same boat, here is a list of things you can do other than use/drink:

1. Live in the now.

You cannot change yesterday or control tomorrow. Focus on doing your best right now.

2. Seek support in nature.

Fresh air and sunshine are wonderful antidotes for depression and anxiety. Try out activities like hiking and surfing to establish a deeper connection.

3. Tap into your creative side.

Paint, draw, sculpt, sing or dance. If it gets the creative juices flowing, it’s good for your sobriety.

4. Don’t test your willpower.

Get rid of all of the alcohol in your house, including bottles “for guests” or special occasions.

5. Embrace change.

Change is good, especially when you are becoming a better person. Let go of the past.

6. Let go of resentment.

Focus on forgiveness; grant yourself and your loved ones forgiveness. Without it, moving forward is impossible. Reconnect with family and friends and make amends as needed.

7. Try meditation.

There is no right or wrong way to meditate. Choose the method that appeals to you. Meditation will help you quiet your mind and center yourself.

8. Don’t live in fear of relapsing.

Worrying about slipping back into old destructive patterns can consume your mind. Instead, focus on your strength in recovery.

9. Fend off loneliness.

Isolation can be dangerous. Spend time with family and friends who will support your recovery and provide positive reinforcement.

10. Use the 24-hour plan.

If a lifetime of sobriety seems overwhelming, start with a smaller goal. Decide that for today, you will not drink or use, no matter what.
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11. Don’t put too much pressure on one short stay in rehab.

It takes more than 30 days to develop and nurture a solid foundation for sobriety. It’s something you’ll need to work on every day.

12. Be good to yourself.

Addiction beats you up. Now that you’re in recovery, treat yourself to a massage or a new pair or shoes to celebrate how far you’ve come.

13. Get active.

When your mind and body are engaged, there is less room for cravings. Go for a run in the woods or kick a soccer ball around with the kids. You’ll feel energized, alive, and best of all, sober.

14. Adopt a pet if you don’t already have one.

The responsibility of a pet will add more structure to your lifestyle, and the unconditional love that animals offer is truly irreplaceable.

15. Check yourself frequently.

With every decision you make, ask yourself: “Is this the healthiest choice for me right now?”

16. Give back.

Whether volunteering your time or your skills, helping others just feels good.

17. Be willing to walk away from stressful situations.

You have enough stress in your life. Learn how to let go of what you don’t need.

18. Create a gratitude list.

Each and every day, write down a couple of things you are grateful for. If you’re having a bad day, look at your list and remember how far you’ve come.

19. Clean your mental house.

Get rid of the negativity. Speak to yourself with loving, supportive, encouraging words. If this is hard, be kind to that struggle.

20. Create goals.

Always have a challenging goal in the back of your mind; something that pushes you to be better and reach new heights.

21. Don’t stress over discouraging statistics.

You are an individual in control of your own success in recovery.

SOURCE: 21 tips to staying sober

God be with you. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

A Year of Growth

I am sitting here on floor time at my real estate office reflecting on the changes that have occurred in me the past year. Isn’t it odd how day by day nothing seems to change but a year ago you might have been a completely different person? Married or dating someone entirely different than your current partner. More fulfilled or a bigger void. Friends may have come and gone. Feuds may have erupted and relationships may have died. The hope though is, that no matter what you have gone through, you have grown and learned something from it. This is the story of my change and my growth in the past year.

I acknowledged I am an alcoholic. For the first time in 29 years of life I began unknowingly working on my 1st step of the 12 steps. My boyfriend at the time whom I was very in love with and believed I was going to marry told me he hadn’t proposed yet because I drink too much. I tried in vain to “control my drinking” like many alcoholics before me. The results were nil. I was right back to drinking more heavily than the average person. I ordered the Big Book of Alcoholic’s Anonymous and the 12 and 12. I began reading them and thinking to myself what a crock of shit it was. I told him I would go to an AA meeting but I didn’t know where to start and he told me he didn’t really think I was “that bad”. “Why can’t you just slow down?” I had no idea then that the reason is because I am powerless over it. He broke up with me the day Trump was sworn into office. It was a Friday morning. I felt something was off and I called him to ask him if he was leaving me. I was on the way to a sales meeting at this very office that I never made it to. I wasn’t a broker yet, but I was coming to meet the agents and tour the office. In tears I raced home and lay in a broken heap on my bed howling like an animal. He kissed me and cried and told me he still loved me but it was too late. I didn’t eat or sleep for a month and drank myself into a stupid oblivion because what else did I have to lose? As the months went on I began to really get sick of my own bullshit. I met a new man who was in the program who opened the door to the possibility I should join it too. Unfortunately we were two broken people and our addictions took off and ran with us trailing behind trying to keep up. A battle you will never win I came to learn. We hit many rock bottoms but one thing that did happen, was he introduced me to the rooms. He took me to my first AA meeting ever. I was terrified, depressed, and completely spiritually bankrupt. I would go in and out of the rooms for the months that would follow but the seed had been planted and it wasn’t fun anymore. I began to truly work on my sobriety and spirituality. I relapsed a few times but today I truly want to be free from the obsession of alcohol. We are both now working our program the way it was meant to be worked. I will not get into details of what that entails, but it’s the first step in the right direction for both of us and if the AA promises are true, it will take us wherever we are meant to be and we will know a new freedom.

Thanks to the program I have also learned acceptance. There have been so many events that occurred that would have baffled me and I would have reacted with emotion and lashing out. Thanks to AA, I have learned to let it go. I don’t attend every battle I am invited to, in fact I rarely do. I am learning how to take a personal inventory not just for my 4th step, but EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am learning to accept even the hard times and the bad. Most importantly, I am learning to accept myself without shame. I am an alcoholic. I have asthma and anxiety and could stand to lose a few pounds. I could workout more and I could eat better. I could start going to sleep a little earlier and I could learn to make my bed in the morning. I do not see these things as flaws anymore though. They simply are. They are just a part of who I am. All I can do is love the person I am, who I am growing to be, and what I will be. Worry and obsession does not plague me like it once did. I now practice manifesting blessings every single day and showing gratitude for the things that have transpired in my life. Jealousy and resentments are leaving on their own accord because I know a new peace inside. I will never be Mother Theresa or a saint, for that I am sure….but I do know that I have successfully not verbally abused another human being as a means to deflect from my own short comings and character defects since I started the program and that in itself is huge. The egomaniac that comes with addiction is leaving. I also no longer think of my ex who left me with hate and resentment. My higher power knows more than I ever will, and knew I needed a wake up call. Honestly, he was a good man who deserved a healthy and whole girlfriend. One time before we broke up he said to me “you go to this place when you drink that I cannot understand. I didn’t grow up in the same situation as you did, and I don’t have all these traumas…I have tried to understand and fix you but I can’t.” No. You can’t. No one can fix the broken parts in us, we have to do find the will to do it ourselves every single day.

In one year I have broken, grown, cried, laughed, lost people, gained people, but most importantly I have learned the lesson that we are only promised now. Today. This moment. Be present, be happy, be focused and be driven. Whatever wildly important goal you are trying to obtain will come to you if you live in now and manifest it.

Gratitude

Today I want to talk about gratitude. Tonight is my home group’s gratitude dinner for alcoholics anonymous so it seemed a fitting topic. Lately, I have not been feeling very grateful. I have been feeling victimized by life and throwing myself a very elaborate pity party. That being said I keep putting one foot in front of the other trying to move forward. I want to focus on all the things I have to be grateful for so when I walk into that room tonight it is with me and I will truly be overfilled with gratitude.

Higher Power. My relationship with my higher power has always been tumultuous like every relationship in my life. I was either riding high on faith for my HP or resentful. It’s always been love or hate. Now that I have entered the program of AA I have learned to accept and walk with my HP. To understand that my HP is always there for me and truly cares for my well being. Even if I am being an obstinate little shit head, all I need is the willingness to believe and turn my care over to it and it’s will shall be done. I need to show more gratitude on a daily basis though and strengthen my bond with my HP though, especially during hard times. I acknowledge that and intend to work on it. I need to be living step 3 every single day.

“God, I offer myself to Thee – To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. 
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. 
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness 
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. 
May I do Thy will always!” —Third Step Prayer.

Family. My family is big, dysfunctional, loud, all over the place and can get under your skin faster than anything, but they are mine. We have had blow out fights that ended in many tears and resentments but one thing is certain; we love each other. When I have hit rock bottom, which has been more frequent than I care to admit in my adult life, there has always been someone there to help me pick up the pieces. These past two weeks I have really bonded with my older sister and my nieces and nephews. They live a few blocks from my work and I never took the time to go over there because I was so busy with AA, two jobs, and life. Now that I have made it a priority, I am realizing how fulfilling life can be when you strengthen your bond with your siblings. My step mom and dad also deserve an honorable mention. The past year they have done more for me than I could ever begin to thank them for. Little things like coming to each one of my open houses to support my passion for real estate, and big things like buying me all new tires for my birthday so I had safe transportation. I know without a doubt that I always have a safe place to land with my family. For that I am grateful.

Friends. I don’t have many friends  but the ones I do have are quality people. Similar to my family, they have helped pick me up quite a few times the past few years. They made sure I had the best birthday I could under the circumstances I was dealing with and have brought immeasurable joy and laughter to my life. Whether I was a drunk party girl, or a sober AAer they have been there for me. Not all of them. I have lost a few on this journey and that’s ok. We are just on a different adventure. I am meeting more and more beautiful souls in the program as well. I believe by the end of my life fellowshipping will be my primary social life and I am totally down with that. If you aren’t clear, fellowshipping is when you “hangout” or socialize with other sober people in the program. It’s a way to build your network of support. I am grateful that at each meeting if you are new, they give you a meeting schedule with a list of phone numbers on the back. Some of those random numbers have turned into real friendships.

Myself. If you asked me a year ago what I was grateful for I would probably write about cats, wine, and money. I never would have even thought to be grateful for my own self. This is a sign of the growth that is taking place in me. I am finally beginning to see my worth, strength, hope and experience. I am grateful that I never give up on myself. I am grateful that I have had my own back for 30 years and made it through every bad day. I am grateful that I love myself enough to never give up on the things that matter no matter how hard things get. I am not perfect. I have relapsed and I have isolated and I have sat in self pity. But you know what else I did? I got right back up and at it. There is a fire in me that might weaken, but it never fully extinguishes. I have a fiery passion to succeed and live a beautiful life and I know that when the darkness fades there will be nothing but beauty because of the life I am creating for myself.

There are so many little things to be grateful for every single day and I too often overlook them. We had a meeting centered on gratitude a few weeks ago and you wouldn’t believe the things the women were grateful for. Seeing rainbows in the sky, having groceries, doing yoga in the rain, having a warm bed to come home to….what if we realized how blessed we are every single day for something as simple as groceries.

“One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years.”

I reached out to my social media friends for some blog ideas because the 4th step of alcoholics anonymous is kicking my ass. Someone said they would love a New York blog and since New York is one of my greatest passions and joys I figured it would be a good topic! I have blogged before about New York and how my love affair started, but this time I am going to talk about giving the gift of love to others. I have been to New York I believe 9 times. The majority of those times I went alone and spent it with my friends on Long Island, but there are 2 times I had the opportunity to bring my favorite people in the world with me.

It was June 2014 (maybe 2013?) that I brought my best friend since Kindergarten with me. We stayed with my friend Greco in Northport Long Island. THE CUTEST LITTLE TOWN EVER by the way. This trip might have been my favorite of all time. We took NYC by STORM. We stayed for a week and did just about everything you can think of to do in NYC. We went to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, got our caricature done in Battery Park, visited Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment in Greenwich Village, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, ate pizza in Little Italy, went to the broadway show “Of Mice and Men” starring James Franco, danced on the bar at Hogs and Heifers and threw our bra at the wall (just like Julia Roberts has done, so don’t judge), went to a Yankees game at Yankees Stadium, saw Heidi Klum shooting a commercial, went to Tiffany’s and Bergdorf Goodman, explored central park and the city. My friend, bless her heart, was too afraid to use the subway so we did A LOT of walking. One of the days we walked from midtown Manhattan to the Brooklyn Bridge. We got to spend an entire day swimming at Robert Moses, my favorite beach in the world. We always ended our city adventures by taking the train back to Long Island which I am positive has the best food hands down. Paradise Pizza. Northport Deli. Its a town full of Italians that want to stuff carbs down your throat. Before we were headed to the city for the last time we stopped at a little restaurant in Northport for a glass of wine. It was around noon and the waitress was your typical Italian, heavily accented lady “you girls can’t have wine on an empty stomach, let me get you some bread and butter” – we loved her. We still refer to her as our Italian substitute mother.

 

I am eternally grateful for the many opportunities I got to visit New York, all the fabulous things I have done and seen and it’s all thanks to my friend Greco. If it weren’t for our friendship I never would have had the capacity to visit so many times and I never would known to go to Montauk or go wine tasting in the Hamptons. I woudn’t have had such an authentic New York experience every time I went. We aren’t as close as we used to be but I will always be appreciative of the summers/winters I got to spend in New York.

*HOVER OVER PICS FOR CAPTIONS*

Carrie’s apartment

 

 

 

 

 

Northport, Long Island

Eataly- Manhattan

Winery – The Hamptons

RIP to all the wine I consumed there.

Feelin myself after a bottle of wine – The Hamptons

Brunch with Babes – Manhattan

On the Long Island Railroad coming back from the Yankees game!

“Take us to the most country, hole in the wall bar you can find” – Hogs and Heifers, NYC

Doin the most to make sure you knew we were tourists.

“How did he know to give us wine glasses?”

Sup Lady Liberty

Brooklyn Bridge

The infamous Naked Cowboy!

Starry Night- at MoMa

Why am I so basic?

Spring in Central Park

9/11 memorial museum

Making friends at Gunther’s Pub – Long Island

““If Louis was right, and you only get one great love…New York may just be mine. And I can’t have nobody talking shit about my boyfriend.” -Carrie Bradshaw

On another note, can we talk about how much my life was centered around Alcohol? I am pretty sure I had a strong buzz in every single picture. BUT, I have no regrets. I had the time of my life! Every time. Below is a homage to all the food I have consumed in New York.

My first White Castle

Pizza, always Pizza.

I think that is calamari in the back- which, EW I don’t eat.

Starting to understand why I am a bit chubby.

Northport Deli, Buffalo chicken Hero

Eataly

Gnocchi – when pizza is not available.

Breakfast pizza

Artichoke Pizza – Chelsea

chicken Parm – Robke’s in Northport

I cheated on pizza – Financial District

So there you have it and maybe now you understand a little better why I am so New York obsessed.

 

 

 

Checkin’ in.

Good morning beautiful people! I haven’t written in far too long. I am not neglecting the blog, I am just in the midst of working on my 4th step in AA and in doing so I have chosen to write my life story. As you can imagine, a lot of living has been done in 30 years and I am still only on the childhood years. My 30th birthday was on Friday the 20th and it was far from what I imagined it would be and it had potential to be better but I made the best of it and got to spend quality time with the people I love and that is all that matters.

I haven’t been sleeping again so work and meetings have been a struggle.  Everyday I am so exhausted that I swear I am going to fall asleep by 8 PM and every night comes and goes with me tossing and turning through the night. When I do sleep it’s that awful half sleep where you are half aware you are somewhat awake, but asleep enough to have weird dreams. I am also suffering horribly from my fall allergies. This is the worst time of year for my poor allergies and this year is no exception. I have come close to taking my septum piercing out so many times because I am tired of blowing my nose around it.

I am also struggling with some light depression. It comes and goes in waves and is expected. I am not trying to shut people out, so if you know me personally, me not reaching out or forgetting to call you back isn’t personal. I just kind of retreat into myself when I am struggling with my mental illness. It’s not a form of isolation it’s just me getting back in touch with myself. As an introvert empath, it’s hard to absorb a lot of people’s energies when I am feeling a little blue myself so I choose to stay at bay.

So, that’s all I got for now. I will be back, especially with Samhain around the corner and as promised will do the second part of the Samhain postings. Blessed be!

New Moon Healing

I don’t have the words to heal my soul right now but I know the only thing  that can begin to start healing is writing. I do not process things. I hide under a rock, under a blanket, under a sea of wine or vodka because I will drown the shit out of any kind of emotion…that is until I joined the program. I have learned a lot about life and the roller coaster ride it takes us on. I may not know nearly enough to feel serene right now, but I feel hope and that is a start.

At the present time I will not get into what is ailing me in details. I need the time to process it as best as I know how so early in sobriety and let the waves of stress and sadness wash over me.

But I sit here with tears in my eye and a war in my mind. Tomorrow I turn 30 years old. There have been so many bad days in the history of my 30 years but I also know that I have survived every single one of them. So maybe I am not spending my 30th birthday the way I expected. Maybe I am not going to some fabulous winery with fabulous girlfriends and getting to do all the things I envisioned myself doing at 30. What I will do though, is work on not shutting people out. I will continue to work on growing my business. I will read books that make me smile and surround myself with people who love me.

I have to remind myself when the panic rises in my chest and I feel like a lost little girl that I am not the director of my life. I can only control how I react, how I pick up the pieces and how I grow from it. I must remind myself that worrying has never accomplished a single thing except give you premature wrinkles. Since I have successfully convinced many people I am only 24, this is not something I wish to partake in now. Besides, I spend too much on my skin care to give into bothersome frown lines.

When all else fails “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Tonight is a new moon in Libra and tomorrow. A moon I have looked forward to all year. Maybe tomorrow I will have the strength to write about what that entails. Witchy friends, please keep me in your thoughts.

Blessed be.

 

The History of Samhain and it’s Relation to Halloween

My journey exploring Wicca and Paganism began sometime at the beginning of last year. The snow was still on the ground and I was in emotional turmoil. I began checking out every book I could on the subject out of pure curiosity to distract myself and ended up partaking in celebrating some of the Sabbats (although not very well planned out and I hope to get better as time goes on.) I still celebrate Christian holiday’s but I honor the Sabbats as well. As many of you know, Samhain is coming up quickly and some consider this to be the most important Sabbat. It was actually in reading about Yule and Samhain that opened my curiosity to the Pagan way of life. These were holiday’s that were honored and celebrated well before Christianity was an organized religion. Christian’s took dates very near if not exactly the same as Pagan holidays and spun them in their favor. There is a stigma and belief that these Pagan holidays are associated with the Devil and evil. Those of us who are aware of the history can find some humor in that notion because it is completely the opposite. For that, I wanted to do a piece on the history of Samhain and how it has evolved into modern day Halloween.

THE HISTORY OF SAMHAIN

Samhain, pronounced Sow-en has been dated back more than 2,000 years  to the ancient Celtics. It has been a misconception for some time that Samhain started as celebration of the God of the Dead, however Samhain translates to “summer’s end”. They believed this was the end of summer and the beginning of the new year. Samhain Eve began at sunset of October 31st and November 1st began the new year and start of winter. This is because the Celtics followed a lunar calendar. Historically the celebration commenced on October 31st and carried into November 1st.

HOW THEY CELEBRATED 

At dusk on October 31st local villages began the formal ceremonies to celebrate Samhain, which usually commenced with lighting a large bonfire. These fires were considered sacred and were given sacrifice in the form of crops and animals to give thanks for the previous years crops and herds. These were also considered cleansing fires. To burn the old and make way for the new. The celebration continued with costumes and dancing around the fire. There were three main reasons that the ancient Celts wore costumes during their Samhain rituals:

1. To honor the dead who were permitted to rise from the other world and be reincarnated or set free.
2. Hide from malevolent spirits and escape being tricked by them
3. To honor the Celtic Gods and Goddesses

Many times they did divination of a sort. The methods used in ancient times vary much from today. They would read tea leaves, rocks, or twigs. Some believe the first tarot cards were crafted during this era around Samhain. There is no evidence to support this but it is a legend that has passed down through the years.

After the celebration was finished the villagers would take clubs to catch on fire from the sacred bonfire and bring it back to their homes to light their hearths. They kept the same fire burning for months throughout the winter. Then they would place food and drink on their door steps to appease mischievous spirits who might try to play tricks on members of the household.

SAMHAIN BECOMES HALLOWEEN 

Christianity cropped up in 800 AD and with it the Church in England tried to bring Christianity into old Celtic festivals and rituals, Samhain being one of them (check the similarity between other Pagan Holidays such as Ostara and Easter, etc.). Pope Boniface IV claimed October 31st as “All Hallow’s Eve” and November 1st as “All Saints Day”. This is when the evolution of Halloween begins. The rituals varied but many are similar to how we celebrate the commercialized version of Halloween and they began at this time. Peasants would attend the festivals in the streets on Samhain and beg for food in return they would pray for the giver’s family to be free of trickery from the spirits. Families passed out “soul cakes” to the poor in return for these prayers. The church encouraged passing out soul cakes rather than leaving food out for the spirits as was done in earlier times.

The costume aspect of Halloween comes from the original Celtic practice of dressing up. People believed that the veil between the other world and our world became thin enough for spirits and ghosts to walk among us. Costumes were used to confuse spirits as to who was a mortal and who was a ghost. They believed it prevented them from trickery. In much later years after English Settlers carried different aspects of different parts of Samhain to America, the costume tradition stuck and eventually became a commercialized part of the holiday. The commercialization of it really began in the late 1800’s. Communities decided to start throwing parties and festivals that were appropriate for children and adults. It was encouraged to remove any sort of grotesque context from the festivities and rather focus on games and food. Between 1920 and 1950 the centuries old practice of “trick or treating” came back to life. Similar to beggars asking for soul cakes, children dressed up in costumes and asked for treats.

By the time the 1990s arrived American’s were spending upward of $6.9 billion on the holiday on candy, decor, and pumpkin patches.

SAMHAIN TRADITIONS WE STILL FOLLOW 

1. Black and orange is the color scheme. We associate these colors instantly with Halloween but they were originally much more important a part of Samhain and the Sabbats. Black represents the time of darkness after the death of the God. The waning light of October is represented by Orange and shows Yule is on the way.
2. Jack-O-Lanters. The ancients that celebrated Samhain used to light candles and put them in hollowed out Gourds for the dead to follow the light as they walked the earth on Samhain.
3. Tricks or Treats. It would now be frowned upon to give children or beggars home baked treats on Halloween but the idea originated with them as well as placing food outside the door to protect one from trickery.
4. Costumes. Although much more commercialized and more geared towards children, there is no doubt that dressing up in robes and costumes on October 31st began more than 2000 years ago.

So there you have it. A brief but thorough explanation of how Halloween came to be. Today we celebrate it with trick or treating and watching slasher movies, but Pagans still honor it as a sacred holiday. Do I believe the veil thins on October 31st and our dead walk the earth? Not necessarily. But I do believe it’s a good time to focus on ancestral history, the turning of seasons, and honoring those who have died. That is for another blog. Coming up on the 2nd part Samhain blog series: altars, rituals, foods, and what modern day pagans really do on Halloween!