But You Don’t Look Like an Addict.

But You Don’t Look Like an Addict.

I want hit you with some cold hard facts about addiction.

There are myths and legends abound about what an addict is composed of, what we do, how we think, how we feel, what we deserve and what we don’t deserve. With all due respect…until you have experienced the dark depths that is addiction, you don’t know shit. We are ALL human’s and the degree of our suffering varies from individual to individual.

I am a 5’1″, blonde haired, blue eyed girl with a sunny disposition. I smile at every stranger I make eye contact with and car karaoke to Britney Spears and Taylor Swift. I meditate and pray to reiki music and use the healing touch of reiki to help others. I like to cook and walk on the beach and collect seashells. I hike and revel in the beauty that is the pacific northwest. In all senses I come across as a very “normal” and peaceful person. Just because the vessel that is carrying out these day to day motions looks calm and collected does not mean the soul that resides in it is calm. Stevie Nicks says “Never have I been a calm blue sea, I have always been a storm”. I am both. On the outside I am a calm sea, on the inside I am a storm. Not always…but that darkness is in there.

Addiction is not prejudiced. It touches the religious, the atheist, the broken and downtrodden, and the CEO’s of major companies. It grips women and men, young and old. It suffocates gays, straights, every national origin and race. It kills the rich, the poor, the beautiful and the ugly.

You get the point…addiction runs rampant like a tornado picking up and destroying anything that happens to be in its path. Now let’s talk about the aftermath. You have finally come down, fallen on your face which we refer to as our rock bottom and realize you can’t go on like this. This is when we tentatively walk into our first meeting with our eyes on the ground. Uncomfortable with the warmth and hugs being passed around between these humans that seem so different from you, who are actually the same as you. Laughter and joy swirls around the room on the wings of the scent of percolating coffee and you wonder how these people are so happy when they don’t “get to” drink? This is what they get to look forward to? Sitting in a circle talking about the shit show they have made of their life? You sit silently your first few meetings still digging your heels in the ground. Reading the book letting it flow in one ear and out the other. Sometimes, a lot of the the time, we relapse. Rock bottom comes faster and harder this time. A month has gone by and you’ve been on a bender that has left you shaky in the hands, weak in the knees, sick to  your stomach and ashamed. With heavy feet you walk back into that room and as if time hasn’t touched anything, they are all still there. Hugging, laughing, and sipping their coffee. Still happy, still not “getting to” drink…and then you realize…its because of their lack of drinking, its because of their supporting hugs, emotional outpouring, and acknowledgement that they are the ones smiling. A little bell goes off in your brain, you lift your heels out of the mud and you pick that book back up with a new drive to learn how to do this too. A week goes by and you are almost out of the woods with your withdrawals. The night sweats are gone, your mind is more clear and you are soaking up the message AA (or NA) has to offer and opening up your wounds to begin healing them from the inside out. You begin to have a subtle obsession with recovery rather than alcohol or drugs. All of a sudden free coffee and women’s meetings are you new liquor store. You feel euphoria walking into church rooms and hugging those women and men who not long ago felt like weird, foreign creatures. They are now your family. Your friends. Your life line.

All that sounds rosy and fantastic and like the happy ending of the story has come. The truth is the ending never comes for an addict. I do not desire to drink, but I crave the drink. I don’t want to be drunk, but I miss being drunk. To “normies” that makes no sense and is a total contradiction but I guarantee most addicts will understand….we know we cant drink and we really don’t want to, but yes we do. I know I can’t sit on my deck and watch the sunset with a glass of wine. It never ends that peacefully and it is not a moment of serenity. The first glass of wine turns into two bottles and a hellacious mental ordeal. At one of my women’s meetings we read a story in the big book and this line from it knocked the wind out of me with its truth “that special relationship with alcohol will always be there, waiting to seduce me again. I can stay protected by continuing to be an active member of AA”. So you see, the work of the 12 steps never ends. The choice to stay sober is a DAILY choice. We do recover but it is an everyday effort. You cannot give us a pill and we are magically cured. Actually, if there were a pill we would probably become addicted to that.

When we speak about recovery we speak with gratitude, joy, and appreciation. We rarely talk about the parts we all know to be true though. We feel anger, stress, desire to give up, we scream into our pillow “why am I like this”, and we sit in the midst of emotions we have suppressed with booze or pills that are now crashing over us like waves that want to take our life. But this recovery thing is a journey….the ending of this journey doesn’t come until the vessel that carries our soul has expired. But I promise that journey will fill you far more than any substance ever could.

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Don’t You Worry Your Pretty Little Mind, People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine.

Don’t You Worry Your Pretty Little Mind, People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine.

Most of my blog followers and friends know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and write from it. I am an open book, sharing my struggles, triumphs, lows, highs and everything in between. I have a public Instagram because I found when I turned the privacy setting off, an abundance of like minded people started following, commenting and liking my posts. I have found some truly inspirational pages since making my account public. I used to hide my heart and my social media due to fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being followed by people I didn’t want to see my life, and fear of bullies.

Recently some unsavory people from the past have been cropping up and my first instinct was to make my Instagram private and not blog. Then I went to an AA meeting and a line from the passage we were reading in the big book spoke to me…”Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope.” – The Big Book. This is the mentality I have taken on my blog posts about not only alcoholism and recovery but also recovering from broken hearts, anxiety, mental illness, and eating disorders. I also like to openly share the joys in my life because if this blog alone can span from darkness to light so can your life…that is why I write candidly and openly. Maybe somewhere these words are making an impact through sharing experience, strength and hope on all aspects of life.

Yesterday was a rough day emotionally. I took my real estate broker’s exam and failed by 5 points. Following that there was an onslaught of unnecessary drama and work was a struggle. I picked up the phone and called my sponsor and she was a voice of reason in the midst of chaos. She gave me page numbers to read in the big book to re-direct my faith and I felt like the load was lighter. Off an on throughout the day the waves of anxiety crashed over me and I kept repeating in my head what she told me…”It is none of your business what other people think about you or do. You know the truth about you and your higher power knows the truth.” Isn’t that the truth? People can form opinions of you based on emotions they are feeling, but that is a reflection of their heart, not yours. I have been a target of stalking and bullying for a long time and I could never figure out why. A specific example of the kind of messages that have been plaguing my inbox “I’m glad you finally admitted you are an alcoholic instead of being a fake bitch.” At first I was hurt when I read those words. Because yes I was in denial about my disease for a very long time. But I’m not anymore, so all I can do is agree with you messenger…I am really glad I admitted I’m an alcoholic too. To the people who don’t like me who might be reading this I am sure they are thinking in their head that I get targeted because I’m a bitch, I’m this, I’m that. But the only thing that can come to my mind is “Don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine” – Taylor Swift.  I am not perfect by any means. I have petty moments, sassy moments, I throw tantrums, and I have insecurities. I even quote Taylor Swift. The difference is that I make attempts everyday to overcome my human defects to the best of my ability by spreading light into the world and that includes sharing my life story.

So, as of today the Instagram is back to public, the blogging will commence. I cannot promise you will always agree with me and more often than not you will probably be shakin’ your head thinking “this mess”….and that’s OK. I want to be alive and free in my own skin no matter how flawed it may be…with the hope that someone, somewhere is taking something away with them.

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Why Are We Obsessed with Weight Loss?

Why Are We Obsessed with Weight Loss?

The Witty Witch might be a tiny platform to stand on and shout my views from but it is mighty. I am scrolling through my feed which is very limited because it’s an account created only for a handful of friends, family and supposed “support groups.” I was part of a group for the Keto diet and they CRUCIFIED a woman for eating CARROTS. This is the norm on every post…people telling others what they should or shouldn’t eat. FUCK OFF. It’s hard enough living in world with impossible standards and we wonder why women are suffering from eating disorders and body image issues.

Ok, so I keep on scrolling past the trolls and every other post is before and after pictures for network marketing products. Now I admit, I was a direct sales girl and I loved some of the products and the results. What I didn’t love was thrusting weight loss in everyone’s face when I myself struggle with body image issues and ED. I hated the mean girl, cult like behavior by certain companies (which I won’t get into because I respect my friends that sell them.)

Please know that I am not saying those of you affiliated with direct sales are all guilty of this. Chances are, if you aren’t a supportive and encouraging woman I have deleted you anyways. My point is that it is rampant and spreading like wild fire on social media where young, impressionable women are already obsessing over ways to fix themselves.

Why is it too much to ask that we accept people for who they are and where they are in their journey. If they ask for help or training on how to be healthy, great. But stop projecting and encouraging this insanity that we all have to be a certain way!

On top of that I cannot tell you how many obsessive hours I have spent talking to my girlfriends about weight loss, trouble areas, hating myself, beating myself up because I ate a piece of pizza at a game, etc. etc.

Another example…I went to the store to buy some shorts and didn’t end up buying them because the Large was a little snug and that made me feel shitty. I am finally at a point in my life where I don’t hate what I see in the mirror. It took me a lot of ups and downs on the scale and learning what works for my body to get here, but the moment a Large was a little too tight I freaked out. I don’t see a size Large in the mirror…I see a woman who struggled with weight and body image issues since she was a child who finally realizes the strength and beauty this body possesses. I wish we all could see the perfection we are and not let a little thing like the size on a tag send us from confident to broken so quickly.

I believe in the law of attraction. If you want change to come to you you CANNOT obsess on what is going wrong, yet you must embrace the beauty that you already posess. If you sit and squeeze your chub the universe is gonna be like “aight fine, stay chubby”. Which you ARE NOT chubby by the way…I am just saying that is how the universe perceives these messages you are putting out. If you project on others that they need to change who they are, the universe will attach that negativity to you.

LIVE AND LET LIVE. Stop putting gas in the body image destruction freight train!!

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The Moon Journal You All Need + Info On Dark Moon in Cancer

The Moon Journal You All Need + Info On Dark Moon in Cancer

My dear friend got me this work book for my graduation gift and I have loved using it! Of course when I was active in my addiction again I didn’t really do more than skim through it because I was not spiritually in a good place. Now that my recovery and spiritual journey is at the forefront of my mind again I have found myself picking it up and re-reading it often. The passage about the dark moon coming up from July 21st – 22nd was so spot on for what I need in my life right now! They even provide a lovely ritual that you can do to banish what is no longer serving you and to manifest what you need in your life.  I would recommend anyone who follows moon phases to buy or download a copy of the Many Moons workbook. You can find it here: Many Moons

This moon is all about release so we can leave room for nourishment. I won’t get into the exact ritual the book recommends because I respect the author enough to recommend you purchase the book to receive the full benefit, but here is the spin I am doing on it.

Altar- ALL the amethysts and rose quartz crystals out in the center. I will be placing significant tarot cards for release and nourishment underneath the stones. I will also be doing the Biddy Tarot “Release and Let Go” seven card spread which goes as follows:

Here is the seven-card Tarot spread:

  • What am I feeling right now
  • Why am I feeling it so strong
  • How can I release this feeling
  • What is the feeling transforming into
  • How can I rise above
  • What is my new beginning
  • What have I learned

Source: Release and Let Go Tarot Spread

Also, some dark times have come and gone through my house while I was in relapse so I intend to sage the fuck out of it. Every corner, every inch with not only sage but Palo Santo and the smudge stick made from my sisters garden. I want to ensure all those little pesky negative energies are gone so my home can be warm and light again. At this time I will also put clear quartz at my open door as I am wafting the energies out to shield them from coming back in.

I feel like my recovery coming right at the dark moon is a sign. Between the date of recovery being 7/17/17 and this dark moon I feel like I spiritually have the tools to get through this. I am also taking the steps I need to make sure I am medically being taken care of. I have an evaluation for intensive outpatient this coming week.

Perhaps you don’t have as much darkness and troubles in your life right now, but everyone can do with a little releasing. Release your stress, anger, anxiety, whatever it is you are feeling, use this time to let it go.

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The Woman Immune to Baby Fever.

The Woman Immune to Baby Fever.

Today we are booking our flight and hotel in Iowa for next month! I have excitement but also some anxiety. First I guess I should explain why of all places, we would go to Iowa and a little about us.

My boyfriend is (a bit) older than I am and has children. I have always been a very strong advocate of women choosing to live their life for themselves if they want to. So at this point in my life I have no children. I have gotten the standard “what kind of woman are you??? You don’t get baby fever?” No. I get to sleep in on Saturday and buy $40 mascara and jet off to NYC when I feel like it. How bout dah? I have a fabulous aunt who gets to walk the red carpet, has a talk show in Minnesota and a firefighter husband….and no biological children of her own (but has step kids). Do you think she is losing sleep over never having children? One of my idols, Stevie Nicks, also chose to live her life for her music and her passions over being a wife and mother. Perhaps one day I will choose to have kids, but if I don’t my life wasn’t a waste. I realize this is a foreign concept to a lot of people and society, but just because women have reproductive parts, it *GASP* does NOT mean they have to be used.

All that being said, I personally love kids! I have strong maternal instincts and get along great with kids of all ages because I am a big kid at heart. Just throwing that in so you don’t think if you hand me your baby I am going to punt it or something.

The reason we are going to Iowa is to visit his children and his grand baby who is an absolute doll. I am so happy and thrilled he get this opportunity and honored he would have me come with him but I am also anxious. This is the first experience in my life meeting a significant other’s children (and grand child). I keep telling myself to just be myself and emit that positive energy I keep with me at all times and things will go smoothly and it will be a great time. Then the worrier in me is like “Yeah but wait. What if you are seen as one of those shitty, young, bimbo, step mom wanna be’s like on Lifetime?” Gag.

As a child that grew up with multiple step parents, I know that struggle. I know it was hard for them and I know it was hard for me. I realize this late in the game I have no actual step parent type duties and am simply “dad’s girlfriend”. These thoughts are completely out of fear of being rejected by something so important to my boyfriend. His happiness just means so much to me and I would love for this trip to be a great success.

So despite my inexperience with kids and this situation I am going to focus on supporting my boyfriend, enjoying myself and figuring out WTF there is to do in Iowa.

 

New Moons & Satanic Sinuses

New Moons & Satanic Sinuses

Happy Friday and NEW MOON in Gemini! I want to thank my friends and readers for still supporting the blog as the focus has shifted slightly from spirituality and witchy matters to sobriety. I am trying to find a balance of both but my blog is my therapy, and right now my main focus is my health and recovery. I have also had people reach out to me on the cusp of admitting they have a problem to let me know my blog is helping reveal some truths within themselves….and if I can convince one person to get in a meeting from my blogs then I have no regrets about opening up so candidly.

Today I just want to ramble about life in general. I woke up this morning with the worst allergy attack I’ve had all year. I am sitting at my desk with Kleenex shoved up each nostril because blowing my nose has done nothing to stop the constant flow. I tried my steroid sprays, claritin, saline sprays, etc….Summer is officially here! It does have me concerned about my upcoming 8 mile hike in the enchantments. As a person with allergies and asthma its always in the back of my mind that going deep into the wilderness and off the grid may present challenges for me. I have had to turn back on more than one hike. This is THEE hike though. The one that has been on my bucket list for two years! If I have to crawl to Colchuck I will. I am so looking forward to the hike and the wonderful cabin we have booked in Leavenworth. It has a wood burning hot tub that is filled with natural flowing spring water. I have stayed at this cabin before and it gets better each time. You can see every star in the sky at night. It will be a great way to end an exhausting hiking day. I can’t wait to go scavenging for herbs and plants also. The cabin is located on a large privately owned piece of land with a private waterfall and hiking trails. Imagine all the goodies I can find to stock my apothecary cabinet! Stay tuned to the Instagram for pictures!

I have had my nose in the real estate practice books this whole week and am going to take practice test number two Saturday or Sunday. Saturday is my graduation party so I’m not sure how much I will want to invest in that and Sunday we were invited to go boating but I need to just get this out of the way. It’s right at my fingertips!

Other than that life is falling into a routine already. Work, study, meeting, sleep, repeat. I am feeling a little lonely and left behind because my S/O is back in contact with all his friends from the program while I am actively avoiding many of my friends that use still. I am also facing a torrent of people that claim couples can’t get clean together. On the contrary….I find it incredibly helpful that we are in this together. We keep each other accountable and when I am tired and feeling like I don’t want to hit a meeting he reminds me why we are doing this and I get up and go. We have our separate meetings, but sometimes I go to NA with him and sometimes he goes to AA with me. It’s about balance and support. We hit the bottom together and we can rise up together.

Yesterday I had to testify for work at a court hearing. We broke for lunch and my boss took me to…*gulp* a bar! I sat with my back to it so I didn’t have Jim, Jack, and Jose staring me down but shit…just walking in was a fuckery. On the way home the sun was shining, I killed it in court, and I had urge after urge to stop and get a bottle of wine. As I drove past the store my fingers started idly drumming like crazy on the steering wheel. I started blasting Nirvana to drown out my thoughts. I made it past the store…and within 15 minutes the urge was gone. I keep telling myself if I can’t get through the day, get through just 15 minutes. I’ve given myself a little incentive too for the long term. If I stay a month sober I am going to buy myself this:

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How PERF is this for me?

Anyways- tonight being the new moon and all I have a lot of things I want to cover magically but I also have an NA meeting to go to, so it might have to be put off until after or tomorrow (I know tonight is ideal…but we cant always be perfect witches). New moon’s are essential for manifesting change though, so something magical definitely will be taking place at the burrow this weekend!

I hope you all have a blessed and happy weekend! Namaste and Blessed be.

Moon-Beam

Life in Technicolor

Life in Technicolor

Happiest of Wednesdays loves! Each day that goes by on this journey presents challenges and eye opening experiences. Today I want to continue to document my journey on the path of recovery.

Yesterday I was VERY afraid of relapse. We went to a baseball game, which was normally an excuse for us to spend an obscene amount of money on wine and beer and sloppily root for our team. I wondered how I would have fun if I couldn’t go to my wine shop in the corner of the stadium. When we stopped to get gas I had an overwhelming craving for sugar. I NEVER eat sugar. I am a salty snacks girl and always have been. I got some skittles and Reeses not only to curb the sugar craving but to give my mouth something to do since I used to drink “road sodas” on the way to the games. On the road I hopped on my pocket rehab app and started chatting with people and came across a forum someone had posted saying that eating sugar when you crave alcohol helps keep you away from it. I looked at my S/O and told him what I had read and said “I am a natural at recovery” LOL. You gotta find the humor sometimes. Eating candy with 56 grams of carbs is 100% not Keto, but this is my first week sober and I am picking and choosing my battles. I’ll take skittles over a relapse. We get to the the game and go to find my friend who is already in our seat. We are passing beer stand after beer stand that we used to stop at on the way. We used to get to the stadium an hour early to make sure we had time to get drinks before opening pitch. There are people all around passing with Rainier, wine, mikes, angry orchard….you name it, it was being thrown in our face. We hightailed it to our seats and with a collective sigh were in the clear. This is when things turned around.

I realized in looking around how vibrant, colorful, and SHARP everything is. I noticed the clouds tinged with pink, the green grass of the field, the girl in front of me snap chatting someone named “Alex W” flirty winky faces, and the old couple in front me holding hands and using binoculars to see better. When the old woman couldn’t get her hood on all the way, her husband lovingly helped smooth it out and put it in place for her. I noticed the scent of garlic fries, the father and daughter sitting together trying to start the wave…and then there was the depth of conversation with my girlfriend. We didn’t talk about anything too serious or thought provoking, but I REMEMBER it all and ENJOYED it. When Motter hit a home run I didn’t blearily look up to see what the commotion was about and who had done what. I saw it in real time and technicolor. There were so many beautiful little details about the universe going on all around me that made my heart warm. Things I never would have noticed on my quest for my next drink.

We enjoyed slices of greasy pizza (which is always my tradition), but I ate it slowly and enjoyed every bite as opposed to drunkenly stuffing half the slice in my mouth. I sipped watery Diet Pepsi and that was ok with me.

We left during the 7th inning which is also our standard on work nights. Normally we have trouble finding the car, have to go to the bathroom 500 times and then pass out when we get  home. This night I was running and jumping in the parking garage trying to slap the over hangs on the ceiling which were very low, and much to my S/O’s amusement, I am still too short to touch. It was goofy, good-natured fun. When we got home we got in bed and talked about our plans for our separate meetings for the week and I won’t get into other details about the rest of the night but I will say…it seems that EVERYTHING is even more amazing sober 😉

Although we went to bed late for our standard I am refreshed and proud. I am glad I knocked another thing off the list of things I used to do drunk that ended up being fun sober. Its starting to be less daunting and more exciting!

In other exciting sober news….My mom is a complete nut to some degree and drives around in a van with others from Union Gospel and tries to convince people on the streets that are using to get in and go to treatment. A lot of the time they are unsuccessful, but yesterday she convinced one young man to get in and go to treatment. I ask that my readers pray, put out good vibes, speak to your Goddess, whatever you do….Ask that this young man stays in the treatment and has a chance at life. She also ran into a young woman shivering in shorts and a tee shirt who wasn’t ready for treatment, but she gave her the coat off her back. Our family may be broken and riddled with addiction, but we are taking the most babiest of baby steps to conquer it. One soul at a time.

 

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