Life in Technicolor

Life in Technicolor

Happiest of Wednesdays loves! Each day that goes by on this journey presents challenges and eye opening experiences. Today I want to continue to document my journey on the path of recovery.

Yesterday I was VERY afraid of relapse. We went to a baseball game, which was normally an excuse for us to spend an obscene amount of money on wine and beer and sloppily root for our team. I wondered how I would have fun if I couldn’t go to my wine shop in the corner of the stadium. When we stopped to get gas I had an overwhelming craving for sugar. I NEVER eat sugar. I am a salty snacks girl and always have been. I got some skittles and Reeses not only to curb the sugar craving but to give my mouth something to do since I used to drink “road sodas” on the way to the games. On the road I hopped on my pocket rehab app and started chatting with people and came across a forum someone had posted saying that eating sugar when you crave alcohol helps keep you away from it. I looked at my S/O and told him what I had read and said “I am a natural at recovery” LOL. You gotta find the humor sometimes. Eating candy with 56 grams of carbs is 100% not Keto, but this is my first week sober and I am picking and choosing my battles. I’ll take skittles over a relapse. We get to the the game and go to find my friend who is already in our seat. We are passing beer stand after beer stand that we used to stop at on the way. We used to get to the stadium an hour early to make sure we had time to get drinks before opening pitch. There are people all around passing with Rainier, wine, mikes, angry orchard….you name it, it was being thrown in our face. We hightailed it to our seats and with a collective sigh were in the clear. This is when things turned around.

I realized in looking around how vibrant, colorful, and SHARP everything is. I noticed the clouds tinged with pink, the green grass of the field, the girl in front of me snap chatting someone named “Alex W” flirty winky faces, and the old couple in front me holding hands and using binoculars to see better. When the old woman couldn’t get her hood on all the way, her husband lovingly helped smooth it out and put it in place for her. I noticed the scent of garlic fries, the father and daughter sitting together trying to start the wave…and then there was the depth of conversation with my girlfriend. We didn’t talk about anything too serious or thought provoking, but I REMEMBER it all and ENJOYED it. When Motter hit a home run I didn’t blearily look up to see what the commotion was about and who had done what. I saw it in real time and technicolor. There were so many beautiful little details about the universe going on all around me that made my heart warm. Things I never would have noticed on my quest for my next drink.

We enjoyed slices of greasy pizza (which is always my tradition), but I ate it slowly and enjoyed every bite as opposed to drunkenly stuffing half the slice in my mouth. I sipped watery Diet Pepsi and that was ok with me.

We left during the 7th inning which is also our standard on work nights. Normally we have trouble finding the car, have to go to the bathroom 500 times and then pass out when we get Β home. This night I was running and jumping in the parking garage trying to slap the over hangs on the ceiling which were very low, and much to my S/O’s amusement, I am still too short to touch. It was goofy, good-natured fun. When we got home we got in bed and talked about our plans for our separate meetings for the week and I won’t get into other details about the rest of the night but I will say…it seems that EVERYTHING is even more amazing sober πŸ˜‰

Although we went to bed late for our standard I am refreshed and proud. I am glad I knocked another thing off the list of things I used to do drunk that ended up being fun sober. Its starting to be less daunting and more exciting!

In other exciting sober news….My mom is a complete nut to some degree and drives around in a van with others from Union Gospel and tries to convince people on the streets that are using to get in and go to treatment. A lot of the time they are unsuccessful, but yesterday she convinced one young man to get in and go to treatment. I ask that my readers pray, put out good vibes, speak to your Goddess, whatever you do….Ask that this young man stays in the treatment and has a chance at life. She also ran into a young woman shivering in shorts and a tee shirt who wasn’t ready for treatment, but she gave her the coat off her back. Our family may be broken and riddled with addiction, but we are taking the most babiest of baby steps to conquer it. One soul at a time.

 

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My Solar Plexus Aint Right.

My Solar Plexus Aint Right.

Happy Monday beautiful people! I have been busy busy busy this weekend!

On Friday I walked in my commencement ceremony. It was fun and exciting and a little bit sad. I will miss my school and the friends I made…the clubs I joined…but I am excited to have that checked off my bucket list. Originally I intended to immediately transfer to UW Tacoma or WSU online to get my BA in business but I am kind of worn out on the business front. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the program and saw that I had not only earned my AA in Business but also 4 additional certificates. I was anticipating 2 certificates but I received one in customer service, management, entrepreneurship, and sales. My focus now is going to be passing the state exam for my broker’s license. I love real estate and with my history working at title companies, the builder’s office for the past ten years, and leasing I think I will be quite successful if I put myself out there. I am going to take the practice exam for the first 60 hours this week and then chug along to the last 30 and second portion.

This weekend was a challenge on the sobriety front. I have learned the importance of going to meetings because if you miss one you might fuck up. Which I did. I will admit it. No one tells you going into this how shitty you will feel. The agitation, the depression, the “lost” feeling. I tried to keep myself busy with healthy activities. I deep cleaned the house, went kayaking, scavenged my parents private beach for seashells, cooked, everything you can think of. I am trying not to beat myself up for it, rather use it as a learning experience. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. Especially on the weekends. I have been networking with other women I know in the program and made plans to go to some meetings with them but I really need to find my place in all this. I REALLY need to find a sponsor that I can connect with and rely on. Doing this alone is way too hard. Especially when its two people trying to stay clean together. We can either build each other up or convince each other to slip up.

I have a new found respect for people who have come out on the other side and a new found understanding of people who can’t get it together. This is by far the hardest battle I have ever faced. It’s like running up hill with a fat guy on your back and the fat guy is all the shit you’ve done wrong and all the mistakes you’ve made. It’s so much easier to drop his ass and go back down the hill. But I don’t want to stop running. I want to run until I have the strength to make it to the top and never look back. I want sobriety so bad. So if I want it so bad why is it so hard? As I have watched my brother’s addiction to heroin spiral out of control for the past 5 years I would get furious at him. Why can’t he just get it together? Why can’t he stop? Why is he at his 20th rehab right now…hasn’t anything sunk in? & now I get it. We do not choose this life. We do not choose to have this disease. People who don’t have compassion for addicts must never have felt powerless and alone in their life. If they did they would understand the challenges we face everyday. Every day we have to make the choice to keep going or falling back and that is a big decision and a hard one when your brain and body want so badly to succumb to the addiction.

I am going to channel all my energy on obsessing over recovery. Weaker souls than mine have made it out of this. I have never backed down from a challenge and have succeeded at everything I have put my heart and mind to…this should be no different. I need a new moon like yesterday to do some moon magick for willpower. I definitely need to reiki the shit out of my solar plexus chakra. Ah, this is inspiring me to do a piece on the chakras and addiction. I will do some research today and probably put something together later.

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My Reasons Why

My Reasons Why

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I’m on my second cup of coffee for the day and ironically my second blog post. You can expect a lot more production out of me now that I am in recovery. The coffee is necessary because I am having some minor withdrawals and its wiping me out. Night time is the worst…I have been getting headaches and sweating a lot in my sleep but I guess that’s just my body pushing all the toxins and demons out of me. I look forward to when the night sweats stop though because they are quite unpleasant.

I decided to write again because I have been communicating with some truly lovely souls today and it’s uplifted me and made me feel like I truly can accomplish anything. It’s so refreshing to be able to talk to people that understand the battle and the struggle of relapse.

I won’t lie…reading the AA book today made me want a drink more than anything. My S/O promises that feeling goes away after awhile and has the opposite effect but for today it was challenging me. So I wanted to take time to write my reasons why to remind myself why I am doing this.

MY REASONS WHY

  • Health– I am always bloated and puffy. My fingers are always swollen. I have constant heartburn and won’t even get into the weird shit my stomach does. I have headaches, my hands shake, and I feel weak. It also increases my anxiety when I don’t get enough sleep and have been up drinking all night.
  • Weight– I follow the Keto diet perfectly and am losing weight at a snails pace. Obviously when you’re consuming alcohol your body will burn that before it burns fat. Hence, a pause in weight loss.
  • Motivation – Since I started drinking heavily again my progress in Real Estate has plummeted. I was on course to be finished by June and now its more like July, but at least I didn’t quit! I also quit feeling motivated to work out, go places, even get out of bed.
  • Hobbies– You want to know all the hobbies I threw out the window when I was drinking? Hiking. You can’t go hiking if you have a raging hangover or are still drunk from the night before. Writing. Look at how little I blogged. Look how little I spent on the Witty Witch Instagram or shop. Yoga. Can’t do downward dog when your head is spinning and you might barf on your mat. Reading. I am the kind of girl who can finish a book in a day or two. I finished two books in 5 months. Meditation/Reiki. I meditated and did reiki on myself TWO times. I used to do it everyday.
  • Money – First, I was spending probably a good $100 on alcohol a week if not more. Second, I think I am Beyonce when I am drunk. $90 shoes? No problem! Airfare to NYC? Why not!? I have a freakin mortgage dude…what was I thinking on half the shit I bought?
  • Relationships-Β I purposely left this one for last because it’s the most important one. Drinking had put a wall up between myself and so many people. All I wanted to do was recluse and when people would reach out to me I was usually ornery or bitter. I wasn’t being the kind and loving person I am by nature. I got into fights with people I normally never fight with. I said horrible things to some of them. I even fought with my S/O when we had no reason to be fighting. I also didn’t have a good relationship with myself. I started turning into a mean girl. I have a heart of gold and would give the shirt off my back to anyone who asked for it…but addicted me is a dick.

So you see. My life was not very enjoyable where I was but I was convinced alcohol made everything so much more fun/exciting/glamorous. Bullshit. It robbed me (well, I robbed myself) of all the joys and beauty this life has to offer. The universe is full of joy and happiness and you can’t tap into it when you are constantly tapping into a bottle of wine trying to find answers at the bottom. The answers can be found inside of you, but only when you are focused and clear headed. I am no expert and probably never will be. But for right now I am driven and ready to keep going for my reasons why. If I don’t get it down on “paper” I might forget like I did last time.

Oh yes, and don’t expect every blog to be all about how shitty I messed up my life. There will be a lot of witchy blissy things coming up!

You are a Badass

You are a Badass

I have been listening to “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero on Audible on my lunch breaks and in the car and it’s so enlightening. She goes into all the details I already know and learned from “The Secret” but with a brash sense of humor and mouth like a sailor so its easier for me to relate to. Even when you are well educated on the law of attraction, self love, and vibrating on a higher frequency, it’s good to remind yourself. Especially when you are trying to escape the clutches of addiction and feel weak, scared, hopeless and sick.

The parts of the book that I am really soaking up are the affirmations and forgiveness of self. I had really sunk to some deep lows this week and the negative self talk was crippling.

Today I am focusing on believing this quote by Jen Sincero:

β€œYou are loved. Massively. Ferociously. Unconditionally. The Universe is totally freaking out about how awesome you are. It’s got you wrapped in a warm gorilla hug of adoration. It wants to give you everything you desire. It wants you to be happy. It wants you to see what it sees in you.”

I am also working on forgiving myself. She makes a point (and I am summarizing) that we are all born with the capability of making great mistakes. Our special skill in life though isn’t fucking up. We are gifted and special in so many ways, but fucking up is not our destiny. No one actively chooses to make mistakes. We were not born to just stumble through life with small victories and large mistakes. But they do happen. & when they do, forgive yourself and let it go. Learn from it, but let it go.

So here I am broke, destitute, sober and feeling like I am completely exposed and vulnerable. But I am going to choose to view it in another light. Money is disposable and comes and goes; i have a job, I will make it through alive. Being sober is not vulnerability it is strength. It takes more strength to face your problems with a clear mind and heart then to lay down and numb it away.

Just for today- I forgive myself and I love myself and I am sober.

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Recovery Round Two.

Recovery Round Two.

My post yesterday obviously alluded to some of this, but if I am going to get better I have to be completely candid. Here is my story of my addiction and my relapse and my journey to recover.

My family is completely saturated in addiction. From alcohol to heroin. Alcoholism runs rampant on both my mom and dad’s side of the family. We have lost more than a few to the disease.

In high school my friends all started drinking. I tried it once and all it did was upset my stomach. It wasn’t “my thing”. So I was the built in sober driver and had a blast without drinking. I was in competitive dance, the dance team, an editor of the school newspaper and in all advanced placement classes anyways…I didn’t have time to drink. Fast forward to graduation week. My high school sweetheart and first love and I had broken up and he was dating my best friend. Because of this there was a rift in many of my close friendships. I spent lunches alone in the library my last week of school. I sat one seat away from my best friend and ex boyfriend at the commencement ceremony. I made eye contact with her and we both started crying because we should have been walking together as best friends instead of apart. We had met in Kindergarten and had made it all the way to 12th grade by each other’s side and now we were on the way to being strangers (it should be noted that we are not in fact strangers, we are very much still in each others lives and overcame this by the grace of God.)

I started going to graduation parties and met Vodka. I remember thinking to myself “This stuff is good. This stuff makes me forget. This stuff makes me feel happy. This stuff takes me out of my shell.” This shit was magic. & probably then and there is when my addiction started. Throughout the years I partied hard and didn’t think twice about it because everyone was doing it. It was socially acceptable.

But then I started getting older and it stopped being as fun but I couldn’t find it in me to stop. I wasn’t drinking everyday and I didn’t ever “fiend” for it so I didn’t think I had a problem. From 19-29 I went through divorce, abandonment, abuse, and a lot of death. Alcohol was there for me through all of it. Alcohol was the one constant I had in my life. Alcohol made the sleepless nights turn into passing out finally. Alcohol made me forget and made the pain so much less. Until the morning when the shame would set in and I realized alcohol was just festering the demons inside of me.

I finally acknowledged my problem in January 2017. I was going through a break up and alcohol was not being kind to me. I finally admitted my issue and started down the path to recovery. I made it a whole month before I told myself “I am doing so good!!!” “I am not really an alcoholic look how well I have done!” “I can drink once in awhile.” Girl, no, you can’t. But I told myself that. I told myself that even as it escalated and I told myself that even a week ago when shit hit the fan in my life. I told other people that too, because I believed it. But after a lot of soul searching and talking to people who have experienced this also, I realize the truth for what it is now. I CANNOT drink. I AM an alcoholic.

With that weighing on my mind I reached out to every person I knew who had supported me during my first time trying to recover. My sober friends, my uplifting friends, my friends who wouldn’t judge me for my human mistakes. True to form, all of them have supported me again with no judgement and only words of encouragement.

Alcoholism is difficult because alcohol is a legal drug and everything from TV to memes to social media is plastered with jokes and references to it. It’s hard to escape. But it almost ruined my life recently and I need to break up with it for good.

So tonight I am going to an NA meeting and I have found a woman’s group near me that I can attend on Wednesday’s because its been advised I network and find sober friends. I also am going back to my yoga/recovery classes. I need as much support and meetings as possible right now.

In a way I am coming full circle.The week of my High School graduation I chose a life that could have destroyed me. This is the week of my college graduation and I am choosing life. I am choosing sobriety.

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National Best Friend Day

National Best Friend Day

I have written in the past about ridding yourself of toxicity when it comes to people. I have weeded out the bad seeds in my friendship field and because of this, my crops are depleted. And I could not be happier. I may only have a handful of quality friends but they blow other human’s out of the water. I am going to take this time to acknowledge the closest friends I have because they bring so much happiness to my life.

Megan– Girlll, I don’t even know where to start with you. We started out as complete strangers with identical passions and when we met my soul was like “yep, this human is the one.” Our first day meeting in person we did yoga and you certified me in Reiki and we had deep life talks. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced with friendship and since we have made a million more memories. You made me a reiki addict and I got you into Wiccan. We have enhanced each other’s lives in so many ways and my soul is forever grateful that the universe brought you to me. Β I love you Megs!

Marisa– My little sees turned bestie. The only person that fully understands the dysfunction of our family and the toll it takes on a person. The person I go to to discuss Makeup, life decisions, my craziness, anxiety, eyebrows, Paris Hilton and everything in between. I can’t wait to see where life takes us when it’s already brought us to New York and other random (and potentially dangerous) adventures.

Alicia– My bestie since KINDERGARTEN. I cannot believe we have grown up to be the women we are. We went from having matching crayon boxes to wine boxes. We have gone to Vegas and NYC and gotten into more trouble than I will write about. We have thrown parties and fists at each other but we always come out on top and together. 24 years of my life have been spent with you and I know the next 24 are going to be even better. Marriage, babies, puppies, new houses, new travels. Thank you for always being a constant in my life when life is often so tumultuous and off kilter. You have always been a safe place to land and I love you!

Patricia– Not unlike Megs, we met in an odd way that only the Universe could be responsible for and thank god for it. You are one of the most genuine, beautiful souls I have ever met. You tell me what I need to hear even if it hurts and you help me through some of the darkest days. When I was broken hearted and you came and made me tea and rubbed my back so I could sleep…man, that is an act of humanity that I will carry with me my whole life. You deserve all the goodness in this world and I am so thankful you came into my life! I love you!

Jayce-Β I am noticing a pattern that I met all my friends online at this point!! LOL! If I remember correctly we met because you defended me against some internet trolls when we hadn’t even met yet. Then we had a pizza night and the rest is history. Thank you for always dealing with the crazy, willing to come over and spend the night when boys are mean and saging our *you know* when we needed a cleanse!! >.< & Thank you for letting me love your spawn. I know we don’t live seven minutes apart anymore but I LOVE you to the moon and back. Cocoa and Bunny for life!

Josh– I could write novels on the love I have for you and friend you are to me but we live together now and you already know because I’m annoying and smother you with love and affection every second of the day lol! Thank you for adventuring with me, always being down to do hippie and witchy shit and supporting my goals and dreams. You are my best friend and the fire that burns in my heart that makes me want to be the best woman I can. I love you and the life we have together.

I have met a lot of people in this lifetime but you guys are my favorites!

Thank you all for being the best humans ever πŸ™‚ I love you to pieces.

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Pain Demands to Be Felt.

Pain Demands to Be Felt.

Last night was the second night in a row I was plagued by more nightmares. I woke up drenched in cold sweat not once but twice. To the extent I had to get up and change my clothes because they were soaked. At one point I woke myself up from punching and kicking the air from my nightmares. The others were too painful for me to even write about….but I need to write something, or anything to try and get myself over this hurdle.

This blog was created to not only share my love and light but to also get through the pains of life. At one point, the witty witch was my only silver lining.

The universe and my soul are trying to tell me something. There is something that I have left buried, some wound I left unhealed, or some irrational fear I am not addressing in my waking hours. I don’t know WHAT. I go to work…like always…do real estate homework, read my books, see my friends, cook dinner, walk to the beach…all the things I always do. I am in all senses of the word happy and content.

I am no stranger to random bouts of depression and anxiety. Usually it takes hindsight to figure out what was distressing me. The problem with clinical anxiety and depression is you never know if its environmentally being stimulated or chemically. Of course I am not naive enough not to know that any person that has endured any sort of trauma whether it be new or old, is likely to revisit it at some point in their life. They are called “emotional flashbacks.”

When I was in therapy I was assigned several self-help books and I know all the textbook symptoms of PTSD and heightened anxiety episodes. It’s good to be informed, as knowledge gives you some power over it. Even when the books explain what it is like to experience PTSD episodes, it never makes it easier when you are actually living in it.

I think the only thing to be done is face it head on. Sit myself down in that scary, dark, place and talk myself through it. One method I have read about is talking to your inner child to bring out whatever is scaring or upsetting you. How complex and odd are humans? We can bury something that at one point felt like it was going to kill us just to survive and we concede to the fact that we have won, but it is just an illusion.

I do not want my “emotional flashbacks” to be confused with current issues or something I might be experiencing now. There is a VERY big difference between current stresses and past traumas. Past traumas are harder to overcome because the memories are blurred around the edges and the clarity of the situation is marred. This is why it makes it so difficult for the one suffering to figure out the root of the problem. Is it stemming from something that happened in childhood? Is it a collection of all the little things that led to one big shit show of a life?

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You can be happy and sad at the same time, trust me, I have lived that life. The best we can do is hold close the happiness but not slam the door on our suffering. This is what causes the pain to creep back into your heart and your soul. You HAVE to feel it, you have to heal and it takes blood, sweat, and tears. Even when you have healed there are scars on your soul and sometimes they pang for no apparent reason other than our minds are complex organs that are a safe deposit box for our sufferings and our joys, to be opened at the mind’s own leisure.

So again, another day will go by embracing all the messy parts of me. The good and the bad and looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you to the people who shine lights in my cracks and bring me back from the depths of darkness. & as a second thought, thank you to myself for always being there with an open heart and mind to get us through this.

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EDITED TO ADD: Talking about this is both therapeutic and scary. Please be gentle with a soul that feels fragile right now.