I am sitting here on floor time at my real estate office reflecting on the changes that have occurred in me the past year. Isn’t it odd how day by day nothing seems to change but a year ago you might have been a completely different person? Married or dating someone entirely different than your current partner. More fulfilled or a bigger void. Friends may have come and gone. Feuds may have erupted and relationships may have died. The hope though is, that no matter what you have gone through, you have grown and learned something from it. This is the story of my change and my growth in the past year.
I acknowledged I am an alcoholic. For the first time in 29 years of life I began unknowingly working on my 1st step of the 12 steps. My boyfriend at the time whom I was very in love with and believed I was going to marry told me he hadn’t proposed yet because I drink too much. I tried in vain to “control my drinking” like many alcoholics before me. The results were nil. I was right back to drinking more heavily than the average person. I ordered the Big Book of Alcoholic’s Anonymous and the 12 and 12. I began reading them and thinking to myself what a crock of shit it was. I told him I would go to an AA meeting but I didn’t know where to start and he told me he didn’t really think I was “that bad”. “Why can’t you just slow down?” I had no idea then that the reason is because I am powerless over it. He broke up with me the day Trump was sworn into office. It was a Friday morning. I felt something was off and I called him to ask him if he was leaving me. I was on the way to a sales meeting at this very office that I never made it to. I wasn’t a broker yet, but I was coming to meet the agents and tour the office. In tears I raced home and lay in a broken heap on my bed howling like an animal. He kissed me and cried and told me he still loved me but it was too late. I didn’t eat or sleep for a month and drank myself into a stupid oblivion because what else did I have to lose? As the months went on I began to really get sick of my own bullshit. I met a new man who was in the program who opened the door to the possibility I should join it too. Unfortunately we were two broken people and our addictions took off and ran with us trailing behind trying to keep up. A battle you will never win I came to learn. We hit many rock bottoms but one thing that did happen, was he introduced me to the rooms. He took me to my first AA meeting ever. I was terrified, depressed, and completely spiritually bankrupt. I would go in and out of the rooms for the months that would follow but the seed had been planted and it wasn’t fun anymore. I began to truly work on my sobriety and spirituality. I relapsed a few times but today I truly want to be free from the obsession of alcohol. We are both now working our program the way it was meant to be worked. I will not get into details of what that entails, but it’s the first step in the right direction for both of us and if the AA promises are true, it will take us wherever we are meant to be and we will know a new freedom.
Thanks to the program I have also learned acceptance. There have been so many events that occurred that would have baffled me and I would have reacted with emotion and lashing out. Thanks to AA, I have learned to let it go. I don’t attend every battle I am invited to, in fact I rarely do. I am learning how to take a personal inventory not just for my 4th step, but EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am learning to accept even the hard times and the bad. Most importantly, I am learning to accept myself without shame. I am an alcoholic. I have asthma and anxiety and could stand to lose a few pounds. I could workout more and I could eat better. I could start going to sleep a little earlier and I could learn to make my bed in the morning. I do not see these things as flaws anymore though. They simply are. They are just a part of who I am. All I can do is love the person I am, who I am growing to be, and what I will be. Worry and obsession does not plague me like it once did. I now practice manifesting blessings every single day and showing gratitude for the things that have transpired in my life. Jealousy and resentments are leaving on their own accord because I know a new peace inside. I will never be Mother Theresa or a saint, for that I am sure….but I do know that I have successfully not verbally abused another human being as a means to deflect from my own short comings and character defects since I started the program and that in itself is huge. The egomaniac that comes with addiction is leaving. I also no longer think of my ex who left me with hate and resentment. My higher power knows more than I ever will, and knew I needed a wake up call. Honestly, he was a good man who deserved a healthy and whole girlfriend. One time before we broke up he said to me “you go to this place when you drink that I cannot understand. I didn’t grow up in the same situation as you did, and I don’t have all these traumas…I have tried to understand and fix you but I can’t.” No. You can’t. No one can fix the broken parts in us, we have to do find the will to do it ourselves every single day.
In one year I have broken, grown, cried, laughed, lost people, gained people, but most importantly I have learned the lesson that we are only promised now. Today. This moment. Be present, be happy, be focused and be driven. Whatever wildly important goal you are trying to obtain will come to you if you live in now and manifest it.