FOURTEEN DAYS SOBER!

FOURTEEN DAYS SOBER!

I don’t have a ton of time to write, and it certainly isn’t anything profound but it’s important to me. Today marks 14 days sober. The longest amount of consecutive days since 18 years old that not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips! Tomorrow is the start of August and I cannot wait to hit that 30 day mark and celebrate my birthday with my sisters in recovery!

This has been such an amazing journey in just two weeks I cannot imagine how my life is going to be months and years in. I owe my life and sanity to Alcoholics Anonymous.

It really is about taking it one day at a time, working the steps, going to meetings, talking to your sponsor and chatting your higher power’s ear off. If you don’t work the program it doesn’t work. This time I am dedicated to my recovery and my healing and it is paying off. Slowly, surely, and day by day.

Thank you for never giving up on me Universe/God/Goddess.

 

 

Don’t You Worry Your Pretty Little Mind, People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine.

Don’t You Worry Your Pretty Little Mind, People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine.

Most of my blog followers and friends know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and write from it. I am an open book, sharing my struggles, triumphs, lows, highs and everything in between. I have a public Instagram because I found when I turned the privacy setting off, an abundance of like minded people started following, commenting and liking my posts. I have found some truly inspirational pages since making my account public. I used to hide my heart and my social media due to fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being followed by people I didn’t want to see my life, and fear of bullies.

Recently some unsavory people from the past have been cropping up and my first instinct was to make my Instagram private and not blog. Then I went to an AA meeting and a line from the passage we were reading in the big book spoke to me…”Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope.” – The Big Book. This is the mentality I have taken on my blog posts about not only alcoholism and recovery but also recovering from broken hearts, anxiety, mental illness, and eating disorders. I also like to openly share the joys in my life because if this blog alone can span from darkness to light so can your life…that is why I write candidly and openly. Maybe somewhere these words are making an impact through sharing experience, strength and hope on all aspects of life.

Yesterday was a rough day emotionally. I took my real estate broker’s exam and failed by 5 points. Following that there was an onslaught of unnecessary drama and work was a struggle. I picked up the phone and called my sponsor and she was a voice of reason in the midst of chaos. She gave me page numbers to read in the big book to re-direct my faith and I felt like the load was lighter. Off an on throughout the day the waves of anxiety crashed over me and I kept repeating in my head what she told me…”It is none of your business what other people think about you or do. You know the truth about you and your higher power knows the truth.” Isn’t that the truth? People can form opinions of you based on emotions they are feeling, but that is a reflection of their heart, not yours. I have been a target of stalking and bullying for a long time and I could never figure out why. A specific example of the kind of messages that have been plaguing my inbox “I’m glad you finally admitted you are an alcoholic instead of being a fake bitch.” At first I was hurt when I read those words. Because yes I was in denial about my disease for a very long time. But I’m not anymore, so all I can do is agree with you messenger…I am really glad I admitted I’m an alcoholic too. To the people who don’t like me who might be reading this I am sure they are thinking in their head that I get targeted because I’m a bitch, I’m this, I’m that. But the only thing that can come to my mind is “Don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine” – Taylor Swift.  I am not perfect by any means. I have petty moments, sassy moments, I throw tantrums, and I have insecurities. I even quote Taylor Swift. The difference is that I make attempts everyday to overcome my human defects to the best of my ability by spreading light into the world and that includes sharing my life story.

So, as of today the Instagram is back to public, the blogging will commence. I cannot promise you will always agree with me and more often than not you will probably be shakin’ your head thinking “this mess”….and that’s OK. I want to be alive and free in my own skin no matter how flawed it may be…with the hope that someone, somewhere is taking something away with them.

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Experiencing the Rawness of Living Through Sobriety.

Experiencing the Rawness of Living Through Sobriety.

The universe is throwing me curve-balls left and right this past week but I have been whacking them out of the park with grace, dignity, and sobriety.

This calm and peace came to me after my women’s meeting last Wednesday. Not only did I find a sponsor but we worked on step 3 of the 12 steps and that is surrendering our power over to God, or a higher power as we know it and acknowledging we are not in control of our addiction and our lives. This step on my own was very difficult to work through but hearing the women talk about how they tackle this step and utilize it really made me sit back, let out a deep breath and surrender my power. Since then even in moments of chaos I feel calm because I have accepted I am not the one in control. Not my circus, not my monkeys type of thing. When toxic people have started cropping back up in my life instead of allowing myself to get angry or emotional I ask myself “does their behavior have anything to do with me or is a reflection of the person I am?” The answer is always NO…leaving me free to go about my day and focus on my recovery.

I won’t lie and say the hard moments didn’t make me cry or feel anxious. One thing about sobriety is you actually FEEL everything again. The good, the bad and all of it in between. Your heart, soul and mind isn’t bogged down by alcohol or a hangover so you get to experience the rawness of living. This was what used to terrify me the most about sober living, but to be completely honest it’s been refreshing. A solid reminder that I am a human. I am flesh, blood, and a soul….no longer a zombie crawling towards my next fix. I no longer have to schedule every little thing I do around alcohol and “drinking times”. I am ALIVE.

Being this high on life has carried me through the obstacles that have been challenging me. I have so much optimism, hope and warmth in my heart that I don’t feel like I can be stopped. I am not perfect (or as we say in AA, we are not saints) but I am working the program as I know how with diligence and heart.

Some people have had some things to say about me being in the program, actually cutting me down for it…but they are still active in their addiction so I am letting it slide right off me and am praying for their well-being. Even if they are psychopaths, they deserve sobriety just as much as the next person.

This week my focus is working the steps, attending the meetings, meeting up with my sponsor and taking it one day at a time.  My sponsor always says “don’t say, I only have this many days, or this many hours…all we are promised is 24.”

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My New Birthday.

My New Birthday.

Today I had to hit the reset button on my sobriety counter and nothing made me feel worse. The guilt, the shame, and the suffering that comes when you let yourself down is almost unbearable to face, but it’s part of recovery. If you relapse, you have to face it. The whole time I was relapsing I knew I was fucking up and I honestly just didn’t care in that moment. So many things had stacked against me and my emotions were all over the place. The more I drank the more shitty I felt, and thus the cycle of relapsing over and over again commences. You drink, feel bad about it so you drink again to numb the pain and the shame. Normal people can drink and go to bed and be fine. I drink an ungodly amount and create miserable situations for myself that I need to clean up the next day.

It isn’t a way to live. If you stray the path of recovery for even a moment you can hit bottom. It started with just missing a meeting here or there. Then I started allowing people to influence me. “You really can’t have a glass of wine?” NO. I CANT! But I told myself maybe this time I could. This leads to a bottle which leads to another. I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK. I WANT TO STAY SOBER AND LIVE A HEALTHY, NORMAL LIFE. Alcohol doesn’t phase normal people the way it does addicts. It creates a dark,empty hole inside of me. It unleashes every demon I have ever tried to drown in whiskey and it opens the flood gates for emotions and suppressed anger. It’s not fun for me like it is for others.

This is me taking accountability for what I have done wrong. I am new to recovery and still learning. I fall down but I pick myself back up.

My new birthday is 07/17/17. I believe in synchronicity. I believe numbers have meanings and come to us for different reasons as signs from the universe. I believe the power of this date will mean so much more to me than my previous birthday (6/19/17). Even if its just my superstitious belief alone that keeps me going…so be it.

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My Reasons Why

My Reasons Why

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I’m on my second cup of coffee for the day and ironically my second blog post. You can expect a lot more production out of me now that I am in recovery. The coffee is necessary because I am having some minor withdrawals and its wiping me out. Night time is the worst…I have been getting headaches and sweating a lot in my sleep but I guess that’s just my body pushing all the toxins and demons out of me. I look forward to when the night sweats stop though because they are quite unpleasant.

I decided to write again because I have been communicating with some truly lovely souls today and it’s uplifted me and made me feel like I truly can accomplish anything. It’s so refreshing to be able to talk to people that understand the battle and the struggle of relapse.

I won’t lie…reading the AA book today made me want a drink more than anything. My S/O promises that feeling goes away after awhile and has the opposite effect but for today it was challenging me. So I wanted to take time to write my reasons why to remind myself why I am doing this.

MY REASONS WHY

  • Health– I am always bloated and puffy. My fingers are always swollen. I have constant heartburn and won’t even get into the weird shit my stomach does. I have headaches, my hands shake, and I feel weak. It also increases my anxiety when I don’t get enough sleep and have been up drinking all night.
  • Weight– I follow the Keto diet perfectly and am losing weight at a snails pace. Obviously when you’re consuming alcohol your body will burn that before it burns fat. Hence, a pause in weight loss.
  • Motivation – Since I started drinking heavily again my progress in Real Estate has plummeted. I was on course to be finished by June and now its more like July, but at least I didn’t quit! I also quit feeling motivated to work out, go places, even get out of bed.
  • Hobbies– You want to know all the hobbies I threw out the window when I was drinking? Hiking. You can’t go hiking if you have a raging hangover or are still drunk from the night before. Writing. Look at how little I blogged. Look how little I spent on the Witty Witch Instagram or shop. Yoga. Can’t do downward dog when your head is spinning and you might barf on your mat. Reading. I am the kind of girl who can finish a book in a day or two. I finished two books in 5 months. Meditation/Reiki. I meditated and did reiki on myself TWO times. I used to do it everyday.
  • Money – First, I was spending probably a good $100 on alcohol a week if not more. Second, I think I am Beyonce when I am drunk. $90 shoes? No problem! Airfare to NYC? Why not!? I have a freakin mortgage dude…what was I thinking on half the shit I bought?
  • Relationships- I purposely left this one for last because it’s the most important one. Drinking had put a wall up between myself and so many people. All I wanted to do was recluse and when people would reach out to me I was usually ornery or bitter. I wasn’t being the kind and loving person I am by nature. I got into fights with people I normally never fight with. I said horrible things to some of them. I even fought with my S/O when we had no reason to be fighting. I also didn’t have a good relationship with myself. I started turning into a mean girl. I have a heart of gold and would give the shirt off my back to anyone who asked for it…but addicted me is a dick.

So you see. My life was not very enjoyable where I was but I was convinced alcohol made everything so much more fun/exciting/glamorous. Bullshit. It robbed me (well, I robbed myself) of all the joys and beauty this life has to offer. The universe is full of joy and happiness and you can’t tap into it when you are constantly tapping into a bottle of wine trying to find answers at the bottom. The answers can be found inside of you, but only when you are focused and clear headed. I am no expert and probably never will be. But for right now I am driven and ready to keep going for my reasons why. If I don’t get it down on “paper” I might forget like I did last time.

Oh yes, and don’t expect every blog to be all about how shitty I messed up my life. There will be a lot of witchy blissy things coming up!

Recovery Round Two.

Recovery Round Two.

My post yesterday obviously alluded to some of this, but if I am going to get better I have to be completely candid. Here is my story of my addiction and my relapse and my journey to recover.

My family is completely saturated in addiction. From alcohol to heroin. Alcoholism runs rampant on both my mom and dad’s side of the family. We have lost more than a few to the disease.

In high school my friends all started drinking. I tried it once and all it did was upset my stomach. It wasn’t “my thing”. So I was the built in sober driver and had a blast without drinking. I was in competitive dance, the dance team, an editor of the school newspaper and in all advanced placement classes anyways…I didn’t have time to drink. Fast forward to graduation week. My high school sweetheart and first love and I had broken up and he was dating my best friend. Because of this there was a rift in many of my close friendships. I spent lunches alone in the library my last week of school. I sat one seat away from my best friend and ex boyfriend at the commencement ceremony. I made eye contact with her and we both started crying because we should have been walking together as best friends instead of apart. We had met in Kindergarten and had made it all the way to 12th grade by each other’s side and now we were on the way to being strangers (it should be noted that we are not in fact strangers, we are very much still in each others lives and overcame this by the grace of God.)

I started going to graduation parties and met Vodka. I remember thinking to myself “This stuff is good. This stuff makes me forget. This stuff makes me feel happy. This stuff takes me out of my shell.” This shit was magic. & probably then and there is when my addiction started. Throughout the years I partied hard and didn’t think twice about it because everyone was doing it. It was socially acceptable.

But then I started getting older and it stopped being as fun but I couldn’t find it in me to stop. I wasn’t drinking everyday and I didn’t ever “fiend” for it so I didn’t think I had a problem. From 19-29 I went through divorce, abandonment, abuse, and a lot of death. Alcohol was there for me through all of it. Alcohol was the one constant I had in my life. Alcohol made the sleepless nights turn into passing out finally. Alcohol made me forget and made the pain so much less. Until the morning when the shame would set in and I realized alcohol was just festering the demons inside of me.

I finally acknowledged my problem in January 2017. I was going through a break up and alcohol was not being kind to me. I finally admitted my issue and started down the path to recovery. I made it a whole month before I told myself “I am doing so good!!!” “I am not really an alcoholic look how well I have done!” “I can drink once in awhile.” Girl, no, you can’t. But I told myself that. I told myself that even as it escalated and I told myself that even a week ago when shit hit the fan in my life. I told other people that too, because I believed it. But after a lot of soul searching and talking to people who have experienced this also, I realize the truth for what it is now. I CANNOT drink. I AM an alcoholic.

With that weighing on my mind I reached out to every person I knew who had supported me during my first time trying to recover. My sober friends, my uplifting friends, my friends who wouldn’t judge me for my human mistakes. True to form, all of them have supported me again with no judgement and only words of encouragement.

Alcoholism is difficult because alcohol is a legal drug and everything from TV to memes to social media is plastered with jokes and references to it. It’s hard to escape. But it almost ruined my life recently and I need to break up with it for good.

So tonight I am going to an NA meeting and I have found a woman’s group near me that I can attend on Wednesday’s because its been advised I network and find sober friends. I also am going back to my yoga/recovery classes. I need as much support and meetings as possible right now.

In a way I am coming full circle.The week of my High School graduation I chose a life that could have destroyed me. This is the week of my college graduation and I am choosing life. I am choosing sobriety.

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