Happy September! Once again life has steered me away from writing as much as I would like (on here in any case, there has been plenty of journaling). I have much to talk about and hope I can maintain your focus while I update my life happenings.
First, and always foremost, my recovery. I had 160 days of sobriety and I relapsed. It was short but there was enough emotional wreckage to remind myself why we don’t go back out. I often feel such a feeling of “yuck” when I have to admit my “defeat” if I relapse. It feels like I am letting everyone down. But a part of recovery is being honest, and sometimes relapse. I learned what I need to do to fine tune my recovery process and I took action.
I have ultimately come to terms with the fact that I am severely co-dependent. I have touched on this in the past and in no way have I denied that I am co-dependent, however I was doing nothing to recover that part of my disease. Some of you may not be familiar with the term or what it actually means to be co-dependent. It’s a lot more than being clingy or needing to be in a relationship like I used to think. It’s always trying to fix and control things around you and outside of your control. It’s attaching to the point of injury. I have picked up several great books by Melody Beattie, the pioneer of co-dependency and intend to begin an Al-anon program. I am learning to detach with love. Part of my recovery in co-dependency and alcoholism has led me to an exciting new adventure! I began doing Y12SR which is a 12 step step yoga program. Every Sunday I take my mat to my yoga studio and attend a 12 step meeting that is followed by yoga centered on healing and balancing. It was announced there is a Yoga/Recovery retreat taking place in April 2019 in BALI INDONESIA! I have decided that I am going to go. It is way outside of my comfort zone but it is speaking on a cellular level to me. The universe is literally pushing me to this. There will be hiking, massages, yoga practices throughout the day and meetings. The whole focus is recovery and yoga. In signing up for this it has also inspired me to step up my yoga game, so my goal is to attend 1-2 yoga sessions a week with some practice at home. I am beyond thrilled to have this opportunity!
I have also been focusing on cleaning all aspects of my life. I have been eating well and losing weight. I have been swapping out my beauty products to all organic and clean items. I have been wearing essential oils instead of perfume. I have been essentially wiping the slate clean.
People in my life are less than thrilled about me putting in strong boundaries. Who is this girl who is saying “NO” instead of “yes” !? Who is this person choosing recovery over all else? Who is this person detaching with grace? What would Melody Beattie say? It’s not my business what they think. Tough shit if you don’t like it. I don’t like spiraling out and feeling crazy.
When you get sober you have to heal so many layers of yourself. The 12 steps help but they opened the door to so many other realizations. They shone a light on different parts of myself that I need to take care of as well.
I am currently working 3 jobs as well as fighting a life threatening disease. If you don’t see a blog from me for awhile just know I am out here, doing big things for myself.
I hope that in my absence you are all finding the love, light, and joy your heart desires.