Before I delve into the topic today I want to apologize in advanced. I am feeling very open, raw, and ready. I write this with no courage in my heart, although many would argue it takes courage of a sort to put these things to paper. I write this because as a recovering alcoholic I do not have the luxury of carrying around anger, resentments and pain. To keep it inside me is one step closer to a relapse and the only reprieve I have on a daily basis is dependent on the condition of my heart, soul, and spirituality.
I write this with tears in my eyes and I have no idea why. With 39 days of sobriety tears are just a thing. Pain with no known root, tidal waves of happiness, sinking guilt in the pit of your stomach, joy with no limit, tears with no reason, fears with no solution. This is what I feel. I have confused my mind and body so long by suppressing feelings and thoughts with alcohol or destruction that it is a muddled mess to try and sort through. Do not read this and be mistaken. Sobriety is the best gift I have ever given myself. These feelings are human and critical to the recovery process. It’s not hard to comprehend them and get through with the help of the 12 steps.
With unbridled honesty I am going to address the topic of family.
It is nature’s way for humans and animals alike to be drawn to their kin. We have an innate need to be nurtured by our mothers, protected by our fathers, supported by our siblings, and so on and so forth. In a perfect world, this chain of command is followed as the universe so intended. In 30 years of life I can tell you that we do not live in a perfect world… in fact we live in a world that is far from it.
Every family has its problems, addictions, and dysfunctions. My family is no different. We are the perfect storm of alcoholism, addiction and mental illness. To replicate the makeup of my family you will simply need the following ingredients:
- A dash of self will run riot
- a handful of suicidal tendencies
- a splash of mental illness
- substance to abuse of your choice
I should put in a disclaimer here in case any family member happens upon this blog. Just like all families have their dysfunctions, all families have their saints. This is not written to offend, this is written to enlighten. If you read this and feel offended in some way I implore that you step back and look in the mirror and reflect on what you can do differently so that this need not apply to you.
In my family the pickins aren’t slim for varying degrees of fucked up. I wanted to find an “easier” “softer” way to put this but there is just no energy left to beat around the bush.
EVERY ADDICT DESERVES TO BE LOVED AND HELPED. EVERY CHILD DESERVES THE SAME AMOUNT OF CARE. IF YOU BROUGHT THEM INTO THIS WORLD IT IS YOUR DUTY TO PARENT THEM, LOVE THEM, AND HELP THEM.
Praise our success equally. Love us through our hard times. Don’t compare my addiction to his. Stop shushing us when we cry. Stop telling us to get it together. SHOW us how to get it together. Love us until we love ourselves again. Love me when I am overweight because I have starved myself seeking affection. Drown my pain in your love because I can’t drown it in alcohol anymore. Stop slamming doors on unresolved traumas. Stop brushing off what needs to be spoken about. Drop the facade that you don’t hurt.
Stop hurting your family with indifference and coldness. Light their world with a fire born from your belief in their abilities and rejoice in their recovery equally.
But I write all of this in vain, because I have prayed for it for years and it stays the same.
How can we grow when we refuse to change?