I don’t have the words to heal my soul right now but I know the only thing that can begin to start healing is writing. I do not process things. I hide under a rock, under a blanket, under a sea of wine or vodka because I will drown the shit out of any kind of emotion…that is until I joined the program. I have learned a lot about life and the roller coaster ride it takes us on. I may not know nearly enough to feel serene right now, but I feel hope and that is a start.
At the present time I will not get into what is ailing me in details. I need the time to process it as best as I know how so early in sobriety and let the waves of stress and sadness wash over me.
But I sit here with tears in my eye and a war in my mind. Tomorrow I turn 30 years old. There have been so many bad days in the history of my 30 years but I also know that I have survived every single one of them. So maybe I am not spending my 30th birthday the way I expected. Maybe I am not going to some fabulous winery with fabulous girlfriends and getting to do all the things I envisioned myself doing at 30. What I will do though, is work on not shutting people out. I will continue to work on growing my business. I will read books that make me smile and surround myself with people who love me.
I have to remind myself when the panic rises in my chest and I feel like a lost little girl that I am not the director of my life. I can only control how I react, how I pick up the pieces and how I grow from it. I must remind myself that worrying has never accomplished a single thing except give you premature wrinkles. Since I have successfully convinced many people I am only 24, this is not something I wish to partake in now. Besides, I spend too much on my skin care to give into bothersome frown lines.
When all else fails “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Tonight is a new moon in Libra and tomorrow. A moon I have looked forward to all year. Maybe tomorrow I will have the strength to write about what that entails. Witchy friends, please keep me in your thoughts.