New Moons & Satanic Sinuses

New Moons & Satanic Sinuses

Happy Friday and NEW MOON in Gemini! I want to thank my friends and readers for still supporting the blog as the focus has shifted slightly from spirituality and witchy matters to sobriety. I am trying to find a balance of both but my blog is my therapy, and right now my main focus is my health and recovery. I have also had people reach out to me on the cusp of admitting they have a problem to let me know my blog is helping reveal some truths within themselves….and if I can convince one person to get in a meeting from my blogs then I have no regrets about opening up so candidly.

Today I just want to ramble about life in general. I woke up this morning with the worst allergy attack I’ve had all year. I am sitting at my desk with Kleenex shoved up each nostril because blowing my nose has done nothing to stop the constant flow. I tried my steroid sprays, claritin, saline sprays, etc….Summer is officially here! It does have me concerned about my upcoming 8 mile hike in the enchantments. As a person with allergies and asthma its always in the back of my mind that going deep into the wilderness and off the grid may present challenges for me. I have had to turn back on more than one hike. This is THEE hike though. The one that has been on my bucket list for two years! If I have to crawl to Colchuck I will. I am so looking forward to the hike and the wonderful cabin we have booked in Leavenworth. It has a wood burning hot tub that is filled with natural flowing spring water. I have stayed at this cabin before and it gets better each time. You can see every star in the sky at night. It will be a great way to end an exhausting hiking day. I can’t wait to go scavenging for herbs and plants also. The cabin is located on a large privately owned piece of land with a private waterfall and hiking trails. Imagine all the goodies I can find to stock my apothecary cabinet! Stay tuned to the Instagram for pictures!

I have had my nose in the real estate practice books this whole week and am going to take practice test number two Saturday or Sunday. Saturday is my graduation party so I’m not sure how much I will want to invest in that and Sunday we were invited to go boating but I need to just get this out of the way. It’s right at my fingertips!

Other than that life is falling into a routine already. Work, study, meeting, sleep, repeat. I am feeling a little lonely and left behind because my S/O is back in contact with all his friends from the program while I am actively avoiding many of my friends that use still. I am also facing a torrent of people that claim couples can’t get clean together. On the contrary….I find it incredibly helpful that we are in this together. We keep each other accountable and when I am tired and feeling like I don’t want to hit a meeting he reminds me why we are doing this and I get up and go. We have our separate meetings, but sometimes I go to NA with him and sometimes he goes to AA with me. It’s about balance and support. We hit the bottom together and we can rise up together.

Yesterday I had to testify for work at a court hearing. We broke for lunch and my boss took me to…*gulp* a bar! I sat with my back to it so I didn’t have Jim, Jack, and Jose staring me down but shit…just walking in was a fuckery. On the way home the sun was shining, I killed it in court, and I had urge after urge to stop and get a bottle of wine. As I drove past the store my fingers started idly drumming like crazy on the steering wheel. I started blasting Nirvana to drown out my thoughts. I made it past the store…and within 15 minutes the urge was gone. I keep telling myself if I can’t get through the day, get through just 15 minutes. I’ve given myself a little incentive too for the long term. If I stay a month sober I am going to buy myself this:

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How PERF is this for me?

Anyways- tonight being the new moon and all I have a lot of things I want to cover magically but I also have an NA meeting to go to, so it might have to be put off until after or tomorrow (I know tonight is ideal…but we cant always be perfect witches). New moon’s are essential for manifesting change though, so something magical definitely will be taking place at the burrow this weekend!

I hope you all have a blessed and happy weekend! Namaste and Blessed be.

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Women’s Groups & Crystals for Addiction

Women’s Groups & Crystals for Addiction

Another day down. Another beautiful morning!

My days feel quite chaotic between work, real estate school and now meetings but it’s a good kind of chaos. Last night I had my first women’s group meeting and I think I may have found my “home group” and hopefully where I will find my sponsor! They were such candid, open, friendly and lovely souls. Forget handshakes…they each hugged me and welcomed me to the family. It is amazing the power unity can have over you. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel like I just wanted to belong…I felt like I did. We all have different stories but we are all walking the same path together. I’ve never met a friend or stranger who said “I’m the one who works nights, so if you need to talk, I’m the one to call at 3 AM…I put a star by my name”. Another girl took a selfie and put her number in my phone then texted herself “to make sure to bug you about coming back.” These people truly want you to succeed. I just feel so blessed and humbled today.

All that being said, I am now working on step 2 since I can only beat step one to death so many times a day. I get it…I am powerless over my disease and my life. Now its time to take the plunge to step two: ““Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” I consider myself a very spiritual person. I am still trying to wrap my head around the use of the word God in the literature. I have gotten into this before on this blog…I believe in God as an entity and the Goddesses so I have to remember when it says “God” to just refer to my higher power. This step is more challenging the first step because it requires SURRENDER. Surrender is difficult for those (especially addicts) with abandonment and trust issues. Asking one to surrender is asking a lot. From what I gather from the meetings though, this comes easier. The more you attend the more your walls break down. I am going to give it a little push so I started doing some research on healing with crystals (and of course doing reiki on myself). Here is what I have found on the chakras and crystals for addiction…

CRYSTALS 

Amethyst is the mother of all healing crystals for addiction according to all the sites I have visited. Here is a direct quote from the Harbor Village Florida recovery site:

Amethyst: Amethyst in Greek actually translates into “not drunk.” As such amethyst is touted among crystal healers as the ultimate go-to for addiction to any substance, really. But the purple wonder is a favorite among recovering alcoholics too. In crystal healing amethyst helps bring its users closer to their own spirituality, bestow wisdom, and help wash away negativity with divine wisdom. Meditating with this stone is alleged to cleanse and recharge the body, mind, and spirit.

SOURCE: Harbor Village

Amethyst is one of my favorite stones. With the right intention you can do so many things. You can open your third eye, heal yourself physically and apparently help with alcoholism!

Another great stone is Citrine. Citrine can help balance your Solar Plexus Chakra which is in charge of your will power. Citrine also banishes negativity and leaves the user feeling light and warm.

There are other specific stones for specific addictions but since I am an alcoholic, my research has centered on alcoholism.

CHAKRAS 

Each Chakra plays an active role in addiction and recovery. Here are how our chakras can effect us during active addiction and recovery:

CROWN– The crown is located on top of the head and rules our thoughts and consciousness. It also controls our spirituality and nervous system. If the crown is out of balance it makes sense that these things will be suffering…over thinking, lack of spiritual connections, and overwhelming thoughts are an effect of an unbalanced crown.

THIRD EYE- Our third eye does more than look into the future or control our psychic abilities. It also controls our ability to look within ourselves for answers we know to be true. If the third eye is clouded  you may feel like you don’t know up from down or where to start on your journey to recovery. Ironically, the stone that can balance your Third Eye is the Amethyst, so this is an important Chakra to pay attention to when in recovery. The third eye also regulates sleep…something most addicts struggle with. 

THROAT- The throat Chakra controls not only how we communicate but can also dictate our compulsiveness. Many addicts, if not all, have a careless compulsiveness. Therefore making sure the throat is aligned will help ease temptation to relapse. 

HEART- The heart dictates our emotions. Many addicts bury their emotions or conversely, display them in an erratic manner. The heart also controls sugar cravings, which are amplified in recovery. When one balances the heart Chakra they should feel more emotionally stable and strong.  

SOLAR PLEXUS- The solar plexus is one of the key Chakras to helping with recovery. As I mentioned before, it controls our will power, our digestion, our fears and our anxieties. A huge part of recovery is having the willpower to say NO. If your solar plexus is a mess, you will struggle with having the power to say no day after day. 

SACRAL- The Sacral Charka centers around pleasures. Addicts love to feel pleasure wether it be from a high, a buzz, sex, etc. The Sacral is more geared towards sexual pleasure however. Sometimes when addicts are clean they find a higher sex drive is present. This should be monitored so one addiction doesn’t crossover to sex addiction. Balancing of this will keep a steady and healthy sex drive. Some may become depressed on the opposite hand though and have no sex drive. If you balance this Chakra you should have a balanced sex drive and healthy sex life. 

ROOT- Our root is our center. Like the crown it is one of the cardinal Chakras for well being. The root keeps us grounded and is our center of survival. When the root is strong and balanced our sense of survival kicks in therefore pushing us forward through recovery while keeping us grounded. 

You do not have to be a certified Reiki healer to balance your own Chakras. There are a lot of sites on Etsy where you can get a beginner Chakra set and simply meditate with them, get to know them, and heal with them. Additionally, you don’t even need to be an addict or have anything remarkably wrong with you to balance your Chakras. Its a good practice for anyone from any walk of life. It helps relax your mind, body, and spirit. We can ALL use some TLC for ourselves.

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Life in Technicolor

Life in Technicolor

Happiest of Wednesdays loves! Each day that goes by on this journey presents challenges and eye opening experiences. Today I want to continue to document my journey on the path of recovery.

Yesterday I was VERY afraid of relapse. We went to a baseball game, which was normally an excuse for us to spend an obscene amount of money on wine and beer and sloppily root for our team. I wondered how I would have fun if I couldn’t go to my wine shop in the corner of the stadium. When we stopped to get gas I had an overwhelming craving for sugar. I NEVER eat sugar. I am a salty snacks girl and always have been. I got some skittles and Reeses not only to curb the sugar craving but to give my mouth something to do since I used to drink “road sodas” on the way to the games. On the road I hopped on my pocket rehab app and started chatting with people and came across a forum someone had posted saying that eating sugar when you crave alcohol helps keep you away from it. I looked at my S/O and told him what I had read and said “I am a natural at recovery” LOL. You gotta find the humor sometimes. Eating candy with 56 grams of carbs is 100% not Keto, but this is my first week sober and I am picking and choosing my battles. I’ll take skittles over a relapse. We get to the the game and go to find my friend who is already in our seat. We are passing beer stand after beer stand that we used to stop at on the way. We used to get to the stadium an hour early to make sure we had time to get drinks before opening pitch. There are people all around passing with Rainier, wine, mikes, angry orchard….you name it, it was being thrown in our face. We hightailed it to our seats and with a collective sigh were in the clear. This is when things turned around.

I realized in looking around how vibrant, colorful, and SHARP everything is. I noticed the clouds tinged with pink, the green grass of the field, the girl in front of me snap chatting someone named “Alex W” flirty winky faces, and the old couple in front me holding hands and using binoculars to see better. When the old woman couldn’t get her hood on all the way, her husband lovingly helped smooth it out and put it in place for her. I noticed the scent of garlic fries, the father and daughter sitting together trying to start the wave…and then there was the depth of conversation with my girlfriend. We didn’t talk about anything too serious or thought provoking, but I REMEMBER it all and ENJOYED it. When Motter hit a home run I didn’t blearily look up to see what the commotion was about and who had done what. I saw it in real time and technicolor. There were so many beautiful little details about the universe going on all around me that made my heart warm. Things I never would have noticed on my quest for my next drink.

We enjoyed slices of greasy pizza (which is always my tradition), but I ate it slowly and enjoyed every bite as opposed to drunkenly stuffing half the slice in my mouth. I sipped watery Diet Pepsi and that was ok with me.

We left during the 7th inning which is also our standard on work nights. Normally we have trouble finding the car, have to go to the bathroom 500 times and then pass out when we get  home. This night I was running and jumping in the parking garage trying to slap the over hangs on the ceiling which were very low, and much to my S/O’s amusement, I am still too short to touch. It was goofy, good-natured fun. When we got home we got in bed and talked about our plans for our separate meetings for the week and I won’t get into other details about the rest of the night but I will say…it seems that EVERYTHING is even more amazing sober 😉

Although we went to bed late for our standard I am refreshed and proud. I am glad I knocked another thing off the list of things I used to do drunk that ended up being fun sober. Its starting to be less daunting and more exciting!

In other exciting sober news….My mom is a complete nut to some degree and drives around in a van with others from Union Gospel and tries to convince people on the streets that are using to get in and go to treatment. A lot of the time they are unsuccessful, but yesterday she convinced one young man to get in and go to treatment. I ask that my readers pray, put out good vibes, speak to your Goddess, whatever you do….Ask that this young man stays in the treatment and has a chance at life. She also ran into a young woman shivering in shorts and a tee shirt who wasn’t ready for treatment, but she gave her the coat off her back. Our family may be broken and riddled with addiction, but we are taking the most babiest of baby steps to conquer it. One soul at a time.

 

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My First Meeting.

My First Meeting.

So I realize the purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous is to stay…anonymous. So I won’t get into too much detail about the actual meeting, rather I will get into how it impacted me.

I went to my first AA meeting last night after a grueling 3 hour practice exam for my brokers license. I was already mentally drained at that point. When we pulled into the lot I felt my palms sweating and my heart racing. This was it. The moment that it all became real. The first step to really recovering and admitting I have a problem. I had no idea what to expect, having only seen AA meetings on TV. I walked timidly behind my S/O and sat at the first chair I saw around a circular table. They other occupants were relaxed and carefree looking and I was a ball of nervous energy. I felt like the elephant in the room. The bull in  the china shop. I don’t know the serenity prayer so I awkwardly stared at my feet when everyone else chanted it together. I kept thinking “god, I want a drink.” I was even more confused when they handed me a pamphlet with a bunch of phone numbers hand written on the back. I fumbled my way through it though and even told a little bit of my story and at the end of the hour I felt like I was among friends. Strangers who knew exactly what I was going through and who LITERALLY applauded me for it being my first meeting…unlike the snide remarks I’ve had to endure from my friends on the other side of my life. It felt like some of the weight I had been carrying had been lifted. What I learned is this is a program. Just like with my college degree, I am going to have to work, and work very hard at it. It’s not a fight though, its a surrender. I need to completely throw myself into the program and surrender to my higher power to help get me through the 12 steps and keep going through them.

I have to ignore the people who have said to me “but you aren’t really an addict. You just like to party”. This was a big part of my first relapse. Just as I had started to embrace step one and put effort into being sober, my “friends” kept reassuring me that I’m not really addicted to alcohol or anything for that matter. “But B, you have a college degree and bought a house and go to work. You drink wine sometimes, you don’t have a problem.” This is exactly what an addict wants to hear. You are confirming what they have been trying to convince their hearts for a long time.

So if you are reading this, I assure you, I am an alcoholic. Trust my process, my program and my judgement. Even if you don’t believe I am an addict, believe that I truly want a better life for myself and that isn’t lying at the bottom of a Svedka bottle.

Other’s have gone far enough to say that “You didn’t have this problem until recently, what is happening in your life to make you lose control?” Ignorance is bliss and those that believe this has not been an ongoing battle my adult life are lucky to not know the internal suffering I have experienced at the hands of this disease. Just because I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself and my peers does not mean I wasn’t suffering. Just because rock bottom came now instead of 5 years ago, does not mean I wasn’t struggling then. Like most addicts I have just been a ticking time bomb, slowly but surely starting to expand and contract under the pressure and then. BOOM. It is not for anyone else to say what I have been feeling or what I have been doing because addicts are very good at disguising the magnitude of their problem.

Just because you saw me drink two glasses of wine at a dinner party doesn’t mean  I have it under control… because I used to stop at the store and buy a whole bottle to down before bed on the way home. Just because I got up and worked under the guise I was “just tired” doesn’t mean I didn’t have a raging hangover. You think you know but you have no idea. Even if you are also an addict, you do not know each person’s individual story and what they are going through and therefore are in no position to speak on it.

I am ok with the fact I will lose some friendships and relationships. The only relationships I desire to keep are those that will help keep me clean and free. Happy and loved. Sober and safe.

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Stepping Stones.

Stepping Stones.

So although I am new (again) to the sobriety thing I can already see small but positive changes in my life. It’s these little stepping stones that will guide me to the big victories.

For example: I have been talking to a lovely girl I met through my S/O’s NA group. I invited her to a meeting in Seattle this weekend, not really expecting her to say yes because that is the norm for people I had been surrounding myself with. Flakiness, backing out, etc. But she instantly said yes! Sober people are so down to support you and help keep you lifted up without skipping a beat. Then today. I did my Starbucks routine: Grande cold brew with cream and 2 stevias and a trenta ice water. For the first time in a long time I picked up the coffee first and sipped it. Before, I would literally drink a whole trenta ice water before I got to work because I was so dehydrated and couldn’t stomach coffee until I drank water. I wasn’t even consciously choosing the coffee over the water this morning but when I put it down I realized what had happened. To some this is such a minuscule thing to even notice but to me it was a mark of waking up refreshed and NOT dying of thirst and nausea. It is also a mark of being entirely present in the moment. There were days where I don’t even barely remember driving to work because I was so exhausted and felt so shitty. Today I went into work an hour early and drank my coffee first. Small, but real victories.

Today is my graduation ceremony and it feels odd but liberating to not be celebrating with a fifth of vodka. It also feels weird to be having company tomorrow and not serve alcohol. I jokingly asked my friend “what do you do at a party if you don’t drink? Communicate like normal humans? Unclear.” Although I was joking, I’m not….lol. What DO you do?? I have to re-learn how to socialize without drinking. That concept might come easy to others but my whole adult life alcohol has always been the life of the party. I guess we will just have to see what tomorrow brings. Since I am supposed to be taking it one day at a time I will put tomorrow on the shelf and embrace whatever comes then.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and if anyone on here is graduating also, CONGRATS!

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You are a Badass

You are a Badass

I have been listening to “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero on Audible on my lunch breaks and in the car and it’s so enlightening. She goes into all the details I already know and learned from “The Secret” but with a brash sense of humor and mouth like a sailor so its easier for me to relate to. Even when you are well educated on the law of attraction, self love, and vibrating on a higher frequency, it’s good to remind yourself. Especially when you are trying to escape the clutches of addiction and feel weak, scared, hopeless and sick.

The parts of the book that I am really soaking up are the affirmations and forgiveness of self. I had really sunk to some deep lows this week and the negative self talk was crippling.

Today I am focusing on believing this quote by Jen Sincero:

“You are loved. Massively. Ferociously. Unconditionally. The Universe is totally freaking out about how awesome you are. It’s got you wrapped in a warm gorilla hug of adoration. It wants to give you everything you desire. It wants you to be happy. It wants you to see what it sees in you.”

I am also working on forgiving myself. She makes a point (and I am summarizing) that we are all born with the capability of making great mistakes. Our special skill in life though isn’t fucking up. We are gifted and special in so many ways, but fucking up is not our destiny. No one actively chooses to make mistakes. We were not born to just stumble through life with small victories and large mistakes. But they do happen. & when they do, forgive yourself and let it go. Learn from it, but let it go.

So here I am broke, destitute, sober and feeling like I am completely exposed and vulnerable. But I am going to choose to view it in another light. Money is disposable and comes and goes; i have a job, I will make it through alive. Being sober is not vulnerability it is strength. It takes more strength to face your problems with a clear mind and heart then to lay down and numb it away.

Just for today- I forgive myself and I love myself and I am sober.

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Recovery Round Two.

Recovery Round Two.

My post yesterday obviously alluded to some of this, but if I am going to get better I have to be completely candid. Here is my story of my addiction and my relapse and my journey to recover.

My family is completely saturated in addiction. From alcohol to heroin. Alcoholism runs rampant on both my mom and dad’s side of the family. We have lost more than a few to the disease.

In high school my friends all started drinking. I tried it once and all it did was upset my stomach. It wasn’t “my thing”. So I was the built in sober driver and had a blast without drinking. I was in competitive dance, the dance team, an editor of the school newspaper and in all advanced placement classes anyways…I didn’t have time to drink. Fast forward to graduation week. My high school sweetheart and first love and I had broken up and he was dating my best friend. Because of this there was a rift in many of my close friendships. I spent lunches alone in the library my last week of school. I sat one seat away from my best friend and ex boyfriend at the commencement ceremony. I made eye contact with her and we both started crying because we should have been walking together as best friends instead of apart. We had met in Kindergarten and had made it all the way to 12th grade by each other’s side and now we were on the way to being strangers (it should be noted that we are not in fact strangers, we are very much still in each others lives and overcame this by the grace of God.)

I started going to graduation parties and met Vodka. I remember thinking to myself “This stuff is good. This stuff makes me forget. This stuff makes me feel happy. This stuff takes me out of my shell.” This shit was magic. & probably then and there is when my addiction started. Throughout the years I partied hard and didn’t think twice about it because everyone was doing it. It was socially acceptable.

But then I started getting older and it stopped being as fun but I couldn’t find it in me to stop. I wasn’t drinking everyday and I didn’t ever “fiend” for it so I didn’t think I had a problem. From 19-29 I went through divorce, abandonment, abuse, and a lot of death. Alcohol was there for me through all of it. Alcohol was the one constant I had in my life. Alcohol made the sleepless nights turn into passing out finally. Alcohol made me forget and made the pain so much less. Until the morning when the shame would set in and I realized alcohol was just festering the demons inside of me.

I finally acknowledged my problem in January 2017. I was going through a break up and alcohol was not being kind to me. I finally admitted my issue and started down the path to recovery. I made it a whole month before I told myself “I am doing so good!!!” “I am not really an alcoholic look how well I have done!” “I can drink once in awhile.” Girl, no, you can’t. But I told myself that. I told myself that even as it escalated and I told myself that even a week ago when shit hit the fan in my life. I told other people that too, because I believed it. But after a lot of soul searching and talking to people who have experienced this also, I realize the truth for what it is now. I CANNOT drink. I AM an alcoholic.

With that weighing on my mind I reached out to every person I knew who had supported me during my first time trying to recover. My sober friends, my uplifting friends, my friends who wouldn’t judge me for my human mistakes. True to form, all of them have supported me again with no judgement and only words of encouragement.

Alcoholism is difficult because alcohol is a legal drug and everything from TV to memes to social media is plastered with jokes and references to it. It’s hard to escape. But it almost ruined my life recently and I need to break up with it for good.

So tonight I am going to an NA meeting and I have found a woman’s group near me that I can attend on Wednesday’s because its been advised I network and find sober friends. I also am going back to my yoga/recovery classes. I need as much support and meetings as possible right now.

In a way I am coming full circle.The week of my High School graduation I chose a life that could have destroyed me. This is the week of my college graduation and I am choosing life. I am choosing sobriety.

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