Social Media, The Ultimate Mean Girl.

Social Media, The Ultimate Mean Girl.

Good morning! I hope this blog finds you well rested and loved after Christmas. I wish I could say that I am in top shape but I have definitely been better. I have a nasty cold complete with chest coughs, blocked nasal passages and a fever. The cherry on top was losing my voice. I sound like Patti Mayonnaise. But, I didn’t get on here to complain about that! All in all I had a quiet Christmas spent with people I love and that’s all I can ask for.

Something has been weighing on my mind though. The holidays are of course about seeing family and catching up with each other, near and far. With Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and so many other public forums it feels like we already know what is going on in a person’s life. We get to watch children grow from afar, feel a person’s pain during loss, and so much more. But do you ever really know what is going on in a person’s life unless they personally come to you and tell you? Some of the brightest, smiling, faces online are struggling behind comprehension. Being able to share with friends and family online is a treasure. It’s a privilege to be chosen to apart of a person’s life online. That doesn’t give anyone the right to start questioning you or judging you or thinking they know your whole life story. We live in this world where we feel entitled to an endless source of personal information about one another. When I went through my last break up I actually deactivated my Facebook for 6 or more months because I couldn’t handle the people questioning me “what happened?” “You seemed so happy” “Are you single now?” It was so horrible I actually never reactivated that Facebook. Too many memories and far too many “friends” on that list. So I created a new one where I honestly am very selective about who gets to be on there.

My life is pretty much an open book. You can’t be a blogger and not have a certain degree of honesty about your life. My writing is my therapy. It’s hard for me to open up sometimes. You might not know it, but hitting that “publish” button sometimes takes my breath away. Is someone going to judge me? Is my writing good enough? Am I being TOO candid? But I still do it, because I am growing through every post.

The moral of this story is that  when someone trusts you enough to give you a front seat to the show of their life you should respect that. If someone wanted you to know every personal detail of what is going on beyond the photographs, they would tell you. You are NOT entitled to knowing everything about someone just because they have given you the chance to share fragments of their life.

I love social media for keeping me connected to the people I care about but I worry that we are becoming so detached from the reality that there is a person behind the screen. It’s easy to question, threaten, intimidate, or have an opinion about a person when you aren’t facing them directly. It’s also just as easy to love, compliment, and spread cheer. It seems lately though that social media has turned into a breeding ground for bullies. Technology has us jaded and I for one am going to make it a goal to unplug more often. When I go to the yoga studio and turn my phone off for an hour and a half and spend time doing nothing but nurturing myself and being present, I feel so much better. It’s like all the fuzz in my brain is gone. There is clarity that comes from being mindful and focused.

When you spend all your time staring at your newsfeed you are soaking up all those people’s energies. If they are in a bad mood and complaining, you are inviting that into your space by reading it. I am not some granola hippie (well…to some extent I am)…I am not crying out for total social media abstinence. I am just bringing attention to the fact that there is more to life than what meets the eye online.

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Remember to Turn on the Light.

Remember to Turn on the Light.

It seems like just yesterday it was the start of 2017 and I had just created The Witty Witch. It was my only lifeline. My only healthy outlet. I have created many blogs over the years and never consistently kept one up and running and never had a following. My following is small, but I get some traffic and  honestly, The Witty Witch is still my lifeline, it has grown with me and helped me reflect on every aspect of my life in 2017. For that I want to write for those who might need a lifeline.

The holidays are meant to be a joyous time of year spent baking cookies, wrapping gifts, decorating, and spending time with loved ones. Do you remember when you were little the air sparkling with the magic of Christmas? Or was that just me? I remember sitting on a back porch wrapped in a faux fur jacket over my crushed velvet dress and my patent leather buckled shoes. I was staring up at the night sky with a twinkle in my eye and roses on my cheeks. I could feel the magic of the holiday season waiting for Santa. So often I hear adults say “Christmas is for the kids.” When did this happen to us? When did we become so jaded that a magical season has the complete opposite effect on some of us? I can tell you when the magic died for me.

My Grandpa died on December 30th 2009. The year to follow would be a family divided over his death. Our annual Christmas Eve party that used to carry into the night with love and laughter and gifts was greatly decreased in number, hours, and joy. My brother died on September 28th 2011. He had moved away to North Dakota before that and that alone made my holidays less bright. When he died the remaining sparkle I felt vanished. I have written before that Christmas was my brother and I’s favorite holiday. We would put on Elvis Christmas and dance around the tree and stay up all night on Christmas Eve whispering to each other until sleep finally won. In fact one of the things I was passed down was his Christmas tie because his girlfriend knew how much the holiday meant to us.

Thus began the early stages of my drinking career. The holiday  now had a focus on alcohol and how much of it I could consume instead of soaking up the time with my family and loved ones. Christmas suddenly had a dark shadow looming over it and my depression during this time of year has increased each year.

2017 has not been the kindest year to me. I have absolutely no right to feel optimism and the old sparkle returning to my eye. But I do. Do you know why? Because I am more spiritually fit. I have learned serenity, acceptance and peace. I no longer have anything to look forward to on Christmas except time with family and loved ones because I don’t want to drink and that is plenty of reason enough for me to feel joy.

I write this because I know many of you have lost someone this year. Life has a cruel way of continuing on when you feel it should stop. The world keeps spinning and the sun still rises even when you feel like life is over. Christmas will come and you may be sitting at a table staring at a seat that used to be filled by you ex-girlfriend, your grandma who has passed away, a friend who has left too soon…and you will feel overcome by grief. I ask that you handle yourself with care. Be gentle. Be present. Don’t drown your sorrow in your eggnog. Honor your feelings. Honor the memories you made in Christmas past. You know why you feel that sadness and aching? Because that meant something to you. That person, place or thing made your holiday magic. There may be a void but do not let it rob you of your joy. I implore you to count your blessings you do have sitting with you at that table still. Your children, your friends, your parents, and you. You are more of an asset to this world than you probably know. You being at that Christmas dinner is making someone else’s holiday magical.

From the depths of my heart and soul, if you are hurting this holiday season, I can feel that pain for you because I have been there. Christmas is a time of light and joy. Don’t let that shadow take over and smother the magic of the season.

And remember….

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The Year of The Traveling Witch.

The Year of The Traveling Witch.

Good morning beauties!

I cannot believe we are already in the middle of December and 2018 is just around the corner. That being said I sprung into action today and ordered the Llewellyn Worldwide 2018 Witches datebook (Amazon- $7.94) and am picking up the 2018 Farmer’s Almanac today. These will be useful tools for the Witty Witch Blog in the upcoming year. I plan to get more heavily into writing about the moon phases, crystals, and tarot this year. Some featured posts will include: A 12 month guide to crystals (this will feature a crystal for each month that coincides with certain moon phases, retrogrades, etc.) Tarot readings, and more!

The last blog I wrote about numerology and discovered I am going into my 5th year. The year of travel and freedom. Knowing that is the energy that will be surrounding me I am going to make the most of it. Here is what I have planned so far for my travels in 2018:

West Coast Road Trip

As many of you know (and some of you don’t) I am from the beautiful State Washington. I have been many places but California is not one of them. In the spring I want to start out in my beautiful home state and travel down the coast, stopping for a hike in Oregon at the Tamolitch Blue Pool because look at it….

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I am convinced there is nothing more beautiful than the Pacific Northwest.

Then I will make my way down to California where I intend to do all the Cali things you can do. To include a mix of nature and touristy attractions. The Redwood Forest, San Francisco, Stevie Nicks old haunts, Universal Studios (Harry Potter World hellllo!)

This has been on my bucket list for quite some time and what better year to do it!

 

East Coast Adventures 

In the summer I plan to jet off to the East Coast (because you know my love for that side of the country). I am finally going to make my dream of visiting Salem, MA a reality. History is something that is so important to me. I live and breathe to learn about the foundation of our country, word wars, civil war, all of it. Salem is absolutely saturated in history and beautiful. Of course this trip will entail stops in Boston and a potential train ride to NYC (because how can I NOT visit my favorite city when I am so close?) I have already begun my research and found some ADORABLE Airbnb’s to stay at.

 

The Bavarian Village 

In the winter as my year 5 winds down and I gear up for my 6th year (the dreaded responsibility year), I am going to go to Leavenworth and stay in an adorable Bed and Breakfast. They are super close to town and have snow shoeing on the property.

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Pine River Ranch

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Many years I have made it to NY several times and I know three trips doesn’t seem like much, but I want to make the BEST of those three trips. That will require a lot of time and money, both of which I do not have an endless supply of unfortunately.

I am so looking forward to bringing you all on my adventures with me by blogging about it. What are you planning for 2018? Have you figured out what year you are going into? If not, go back to the previous blog and find out what energy will be surrounding you this upcoming year to make the best of it!

Numerology Cycles

Numerology Cycles

Today I took a workshop on the energy that comes from numbers. In the ancient study of Numerology, Pythagoras discovered that numbers have energy (just like in Quantum Physics) and over the years it was determined that we go through 9 year cycles and each individual year has a different energy or theme that gets you closer to your 9 year goal. Additionally, we were all born under one ruling number. Think of it this way, there are 9 highways that we can travel down through life, each one is numbered. Your highway is your highway for life. You cannot exit and merge onto another one. In this blog I will show you how to figure out your highway number and what personal year you are about to go into and what it means for you. I will use my number’s as an example. All you need is your full birthday.

To figure out your life number or (highway number):

My birthday is October 20th 1987. This is the simple math to find out what number rules my life.

10 = 1+0 = 1

20 = 2+0= 2

1987  = 1+9+8+7 = 25 = 2+5 = 7

TOTAL: = 10 = 1+0 = 1

My life number is a 1! Now to find out what personal year you are about to go in do the same math except instead of birth year, use the current year or year you are going into. Like such:

10 = 1+0 = 1

20 = 2+0= 2

2018 = 2+0+1+8 = 11 = 1+1 = 2

TOTAL: 5

My personal year is going to be the year of the 5!

Why do we care or why should we know about our numerology? Because knowledge is power. When we know what energies will be naturally flowing into our life we can use it to our advantage. We can use it lift our manifestations and create as much abundance and joy as possible. Each personality and each year has a meaning behind it. These are the meanings of the numbers.

1- BEGINNINGS 

If your life number is a 1 you are a pioneering spirit and independent soul. You are unique and a leader by nature. If you are going into to your personal year 1 it will be full of new beginnings and you will be taking charge. You will find an increase in independence and leadership.

2- RELATING 

When your life number is a 2 you are all about partnership, being a peacemaker, you are very diplomatic and detail orientated. If you are going into your 2nd year on the cycle you will notice unions forming, merging, formed partnerships, and the potential for lots of contracts.

3- JOY 

3 is the number of self expression. If this is your life number you are creative, artistic, happy, playful and enthusiastic. When this shows up on your life cycle you are apt to falling in love, saying your truth, and having luck in finances.

4- PRACTICAL 

4’s are hard workers, practical, orderly, and organized. Health means a lot to them and so does routine. If you are headed into your 4th year this is about putting down roots and laying the ground work for a great life. This is a hardworking year. In my 4th year I bought a house, graduated college, and obtained my brokers license!

5- CHANGE 

When you’re a 5 in life you are a free spirit who is sensual, intelligent, and well traveled. If you are going into your 5th year you can expect change, travel, freedom from addictions, and variety in your life. This is a nice follow up year on your 4th year because you finally get some relaxation and rest.

6- RESPONSIBILITY 

6’s are the teachers, nurturers, and counselors in life. They are always caring for other people and taking on responsibility. If you are headed into your 6th year this is going to be one of duty, service, and the need to beautify. You may find real, deep love in this year or your current love will grow.

7- SPIRITUAL 

When you are 7 you mystical, solitary, analytical and methodical. 7’s are the most introverted number. In your 7th year you will be focusing on purification, re-evaluation of your life, altering your mind, and the want to withdraw.

8- ACHIEVEMENT 

8’s are very powerful. They are known as authority figures, authentic, and successful. When you are going into your 8th year you can expect an increase in finances, power and achievement. Sometimes this is when people get pregnant or gain weight or your life expands in some way.

9- ENDINGS 

If you are a 9 you are a universal lover, cosmic teacher, philosopher, and multi-talented. In your 9th year, this is known as the harvest year. You will begin reaping what you have sown over the past 9 years of your life cycle.

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12 Steps: A Design for Living.

12 Steps: A Design for Living.

Good morning and happy Monday! I was struggling with a blog idea this morning but I had the itch to write. I usually choose between 3 topics; witchy stuff, sobriety/recovery stuff, or life in general stuff. I was pondering the things I talk about with people on a daily basis and I kept coming back to the questions people ask me who aren’t in the program. Then I started thinking about how much the steps have started to transform my life. I will let you in on a little secret…the 12 steps aren’t just for drunks and druggies!

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Yes, the 12 steps have been used for ages to help people conquer alcoholism, drug addiction, quitting smoking, getting over heartache, etc. What the 12 steps really are though is a design for living your best life. Who doesn’t want that? I am going to present to you the 12 steps and a road map on how to use it even if you are a normie (non-addict). By the end of working a 12 step program you will have a spiritual awakening and feel the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders. This is how it’s done (some editing has been done to remove words like “addiction, alcoholism, etc. for the purpose of making it relatable to life as a whole).  

1.) We admitted we were powerless – that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Ahh, beautiful and burdensome step 1. Nobody has their life all together no matter who you are. There will always be something that seems unmanageable whether it’s your finances, your stress level, your children, your husband, or your job. We always have room to admit things aren’t going as well as they could be. Even if your life is peachy fuckin keen there is always room for growth and change. You might even feel your life is completely well managed until you start working the steps and realize it wasn’t. All you have to do for this step is admit to yourself there is room for improvement. 

2.) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I know what you are thinking, “who does this bitch think she is telling me I am insane and only a higher power can restore me to sanity?” What I think is I am a person who struggled greatly with this step and the next but I kept working on it day by day and life feels a lot less insane when I know I can rely on something greater than myself to help me through. All you need in this step is to be open minded. Do not slam the door on me yet. 

3.) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

“Oh, now this bitch wants to start bible thumping and shoving religion down my throat!” WRONG. The 12 step program is a SPIRITUAL PROGRAM, not a religious one. We use the word God because it is the best adjective we have in our language to universally explain a higher power. I don’t care if your higher power is a tube sock….call it whatever works for you. All you need in this step is to be willing.  Have you ever heard people use the phrase “let go and let God?” That is what this step is about. It is about understanding that you are merely a character in the play of life. Things are going to happen and you cannot force life to do your bidding. This is where your willingness comes in. I tell myself about 50 times a day under my breath “thy will be done” and it helps me coast through the day with a fraction of the stress I  used to have.

4.) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The DREADED step. This is where we get into the leg work of the program. This step is messy, uncomfortable and necessary. Our personal inventory is like a backpack of bricks we have been carrying around our whole life. It’s time to open it up, take a good look at it, reflect on it, accept it and embrace it as a part of us. Your inventory needs to include all the messy details. Childhood traumas, heartbreaks, resentments you are carrying around, broken fragments of your soul that are still floating around aimlessly inside of you. If you are still thinking about it, include it in your inventory. Nothing should be left out. Are you still mad at Susan from 2nd grade who bullied you? Yep, she goes on the list. Write out your life story and you will find that your backpack of bricks has been weighing you down without you even noticing it. All you need for this step is your memory, a pen and paper, and grit. 

5.) Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

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I know right? You would rather stick a fork in a light socket. But this is the most important follow up on your 4th step you can do. This is laying down the backpack of bricks so you can walk freely without that weight. Have a talk with your higher power first. Gather your wits and ask for strength. Find a trusted human to read your 4th step to. I suggest not having it be a spouse or someone that will be personally offended by any of your inventory. This will create a situation that is uncomfortable for all parties involved.  All you need for this step is bravery and honesty. 

6.) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

If you are still with me CONGRATS! The next few steps are a nice little reprieve before we get into some more meaty ones. This step can usually be done in a short period of time. Read your inventory and accept that it is time to remove your defects. All you need for this step is acceptance. 

7.) Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

The keyword here is “humbly”. If you successfully did your 4th step you have probably been knocked down a few pegs anyway and are feeling quite humble so this is the perfect time to ask God, the Universe, your tube sock, whatever to remove your shortcomings. Some things that can be considered short comings are the gift of gab, gossiping, lying, cheating, poor time management, over-spending, over-eating, etc. Nothing is off limits. If you consider it a shortcoming, ask your higher power to remove it. Make sure to thank your higher power at the end. All you need for this step is to ask. 

8.) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

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We have all screwed someone over big or small. Maybe it was as simple as an argument over the remote and maybe it was as big as cheating on them. Whatever it is, it’s time to pull your head out of the sand and face it. Write it all down. All you need for this step is honesty and reflection. 

9.) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

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You heard me! This is even more uncomfortable than your 4th step but it is something that HAS to be done if you are truly going to awaken and be the best version of yourself possible. Take your list and work your way down. Ask someone out for coffee and explain what you are doing and how you would like to make amends. Even if the moment was long ago and even if you have both moved on. This is a cleansing part of the 12 steps that you will be grateful for after it’s done. If the 4th step was a backpack of bricks, this is a fanny pack of rocks. Time to unbuckle that sucker and lighten the load more. If you cannot make direct amends, making living amends. This is where you learn from what you did and live in a way that shows you are different and learned from it. All you need for this step is humility. 

10.) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Self explanatory. You don’t just get to do one 4th step and go on your way. You have to do a little 4th step every single day. Make sure you’re inventory is in line and clean. If you are wrong, fix it. Simple as that. All you need for this step is reflection. 

11.) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

This is a maintenance step. It’s a reminder to keep in contact with your higher power, continue practicing self-care and love and continue asking for love and support from your HP. All you need for this step is communication and self love. 

12.) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

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THANK SWEET 8 POUND BABY JESUS YOU MADE IT! Now go plant the seed to others. Spread love. Carry your message to other broken souls who might not even realize they are broken a little inside.

 

In AA and NA we have sponsors to help walk us through these steps. Us addicts need a little push here and there and a little more guidance because we are battling a terminal illness and disease. Our lives literally depend on the 12 steps. I hope after reading this though you see how your life can benefit from them as well.

Take care of yourselves out there and if you need a spiritual sponsor my door is always open.

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Only Everyone Can Judge Me.

Only Everyone Can Judge Me.

In the past I have written about unsolicited advice without thinking about the cause of it. Just like my alcoholism is a cause of a spiritual problem, unsolicited advice seems to be a side effect of judgement and judgement seems to run rampant in our lives. Be honest. You have found yourself judging your friends for taking back that boyfriend. You have judged your boyfriend for his outfit choice. You have judged someone for posting something on Facebook or for the amount of carbs they consume. You have probably at one point or another judged every person that has touched your life. I would be lying if I didn’t say I have done it too. It’s human nature. It’s what we choose to do with that judgement that makes all the difference.

Here is a scenario to explain better what I mean. Its completely fictional but it’s also feasible, so envision yourself in this position and stick with me. Your girlfriend comes to you in tears over a fight she had with her boyfriend. She is furious, spewing vitriol, planning her break up and post partying plans. In exchange you man-hate the hell out of the good for nothing asshole who made her cry. The call ends with some laughs, she blows her nose and goes on her merry little angry way. Stop right there though. As adults, if we are functioning ones, we should ALL know that a reaction that is based on emotion is not the most sound reaction. This is why there are entire courses on teaching you to not respond to an email when you feel emotion. This is why people tell you to WALK AWAY and breathe from situations. Venting to our trusted human’s is a part of that cool down period though. Ok so back to sassy pants and her boyfriend problems…The next morning you are scrolling through Facebook and see a picture of your bestie and her scum bag boyfriend canoodling over coffee and donuts and cannot believe your eyes. HOW could she forgive him after all we had discussed last night?! Instantly your brain starts firing off thoughts “she is so dumb. What is she thinking? She is just setting herself up to be hurt.” THAT. IS. JUDGEMENT. You are absolutely entitled to feel and think those things. But let’s stop and think through this a little further. Do you know what happened after you sent her on her way? Do you know what that relationship is based on? Were you a fly on the wall when they hashed out their problems? No. All you know is what someone told you in a moment of heat. Let’s pretend this is one of those stories you get to choose the ending. You have two options:

A) You like the photo and text your friend, “Glad to see things seemed to calm down. Let me know if you need anything, I’m here for you.”

B) You either send a passive aggressive text message or ignore your friend for days because you are personally offended by her life choice.

If you picked A you and your friend are on the road to a harmonious and healthy friendship. If you picked B you might be strong arming your friends and trying to control people too much. It is rare that people, especially women, go on and on and gush about the great things about their lives and their relationships. It’s much more common in this world to complain and bitch about the bad. I am SO guilty of this. But I am working on it.

I wanted to write about this because for years and years I have allowed people to tell me exactly what they felt I should be doing with my life. Who I should date, how I should dye my hair, how I should respond to life events, and so on and so forth. I either silently took everything in stride and let people throw their stones in the glass house or I erupted and burned their house down with an onslaught of verbal abuse (a horrid defensive mechanism when I feel attacked.) Sometimes I simply agreed because life is easier when you are agreeable.

Period, point blank, you are only in control of your own reaction to your own life events. You aren’t even in control of your relationships or friendships. Literally, the only thing you can do is control your attitude, your speech, and how you handle situations.

This has been an infuriating life lesson to learn. I have two sisters I have been spending a lot of time with lately. We have girls nights constantly. This entails…..ding ding ding, talking about boys and relationships. I have learned to sit back, LISTEN to LISTEN NOT TO RESPOND. I process everything and of course judgement is coming into my thought process BUT I DO NOT SPEAK ON IT. WHY?! BECAUSE IT IS NOT  MY PLACE. I wait until a question is directly asked to me…”what would you do?” and I give a gentle yet honest response. You  have to understand that people are ultimately going to do what their heart desires at the end of the day. You cannot prevent that…again…you can only control  your behaviors. This is why I can’t figure out why people argue online. I have never once seen a political fight on the internet end with someone saying “You know what? You are right! I am totally a republican now.”

Be there for your humans. Have an opinion because you love your humans and help them through hard times. When they ask for advice be grateful they trust you to supply it. If they want to cry give them a shoulder. Think before you speak.

It is so easy for me to say this on a blog, but I have struggled for so long with standing up for what I believe in respectfully. Like I said I either keep my mouth shut or go off the wall with my mouth. But there was an event that happened this year that cost me a friendship and I do not regret it. A person felt it was their place to lecture me, dig into the past and try to tell me what I should do. I laid out how I felt [respectfully] and then I walked away. Life is hard enough without trying to win the approval of people who say they love you. I could of gone on to lay her past on the table like she did to me but you know what? Even though I was hurt, it wasn’t  my place. That is not my inventory. I am not going to pick it up and carry it around.

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Thirty, Flirty, and Thigh gap-less

Thirty, Flirty, and Thigh gap-less

Lately I have been doing so much reflecting on who I am now and who I used to be, I don’t even recognize myself sometimes. That’s a good thing in case you are wondering. Today I was reflecting on how I am with my body image now in my 30’s versus how I was in my early twenties to just a few month’s ago.

When I was 22 I decided to get married…this is just a footnote in this story we can reflect on that poor life choice at another time. I gathered up my bridesmaids and step mom and went to David’s Bridal, the McDonald’s of Bridal Fashion (Barf). I tried on 3 dresses and fell in love with the third and called it a day. I was by no means a bridezilla… probably because I was more interested in the wedding than the relationship so if it all went to shit it didn’t really matter at least we had fun planning it right! My step mom lovingly took pictures of me from every angle and for the first time, to my horror, I realized how “FAT” I was. I decided there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to let a hundred people take candid photos of me looking like Snooki’s twin (I had dark brown hair, a severe tan, and was a little overweight). I instantly hopped on the latest craze- HCG. If you are not familiar this is a diet that allows only 500 calories of severely restricted calories. No dairy. No sugar. No carbs. No alcohol (wish that would have stuck.) In a month I lost 25 pounds. Over the next few months I lost another 20 pounds. I was a svelte 125 on my wedding day and never felt more confident. The praise I received during my transition lifted me higher than I had ever been in my life. HCG did nothing but make me skinny and teach me how to starve myself. The years that followed would be fraught with starvation, counting calories, over exercising and eventually the diagnosis of body dysmorphic disorder. If you are not aware: “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable.” This is not something I have divulged to people. My therapist worked for years on helping me overcome anxiety and my obsession with weight. I weighed myself 3 times a day and ate less than 400 calories a day at my worst. I continued to do so because of the praise. My self worth was reliant on a number on the scale.

When I KIND of got my obsession with weight under control there was a shift. I began obsessing on my appearance. I became infatuated with spending every penny in my account on Nordstrom makeup and skin care. Christian Dior eyebrow pencils. Bobbi Brown mascara, every face mask Philosophy could supply. Don’t get me wrong….there are some things I will still spend more on as a woman, but I no longer turn my nose up to drug store makeup or feel like if I don’t have Christian Dior eyebrows I am an ugly peasant.

So where am I at today? I am currently trying to lose weight but not to be skinny or sexy…because I have abused my body with alcohol and starvation for so long that I want to nurture it and love it the way it deserves. It has carried me through this life thus far without failing me while I mistreated it daily. I hardly step on a scale and try to stop myself from making negative comments about myself. I try to stay disciplined in my Keto lifestyle not because if I cheat I feel “fat” or like a failure but because I want my body to operate at its prime.

I have thoroughly enjoyed finding drug store, or cheaper dupes for my more pricey cosmetics. I will note there a few things I will always be loyal to (funds permitted)…Philosophy Hope in a Jar Foundation and a good moisturizer (Philosophy Miracle Worker or Hope in a Jar). I haven’t stepped foot in a Nordstrom or received a Nordy’s note in months. My new high isn’t spending my whole paycheck on 2 items, but chasing down the best deals and best kept secrets in the cheap makeup world.

My self worth doesn’t lie at the bottom of a heap of expensive makeup or in a size 4 jeans anymore. It is measured by how loved the people around me feel in my presence. How much I can give to people who have given to me. Maintaining sobriety. Being healthy so I can live the best and longest life possible.

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