You are a Badass

You are a Badass

I have been listening to “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero on Audible on my lunch breaks and in the car and it’s so enlightening. She goes into all the details I already know and learned from “The Secret” but with a brash sense of humor and mouth like a sailor so its easier for me to relate to. Even when you are well educated on the law of attraction, self love, and vibrating on a higher frequency, it’s good to remind yourself. Especially when you are trying to escape the clutches of addiction and feel weak, scared, hopeless and sick.

The parts of the book that I am really soaking up are the affirmations and forgiveness of self. I had really sunk to some deep lows this week and the negative self talk was crippling.

Today I am focusing on believing this quote by Jen Sincero:

“You are loved. Massively. Ferociously. Unconditionally. The Universe is totally freaking out about how awesome you are. It’s got you wrapped in a warm gorilla hug of adoration. It wants to give you everything you desire. It wants you to be happy. It wants you to see what it sees in you.”

I am also working on forgiving myself. She makes a point (and I am summarizing) that we are all born with the capability of making great mistakes. Our special skill in life though isn’t fucking up. We are gifted and special in so many ways, but fucking up is not our destiny. No one actively chooses to make mistakes. We were not born to just stumble through life with small victories and large mistakes. But they do happen. & when they do, forgive yourself and let it go. Learn from it, but let it go.

So here I am broke, destitute, sober and feeling like I am completely exposed and vulnerable. But I am going to choose to view it in another light. Money is disposable and comes and goes; i have a job, I will make it through alive. Being sober is not vulnerability it is strength. It takes more strength to face your problems with a clear mind and heart then to lay down and numb it away.

Just for today- I forgive myself and I love myself and I am sober.

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Recovery Round Two.

Recovery Round Two.

My post yesterday obviously alluded to some of this, but if I am going to get better I have to be completely candid. Here is my story of my addiction and my relapse and my journey to recover.

My family is completely saturated in addiction. From alcohol to heroin. Alcoholism runs rampant on both my mom and dad’s side of the family. We have lost more than a few to the disease.

In high school my friends all started drinking. I tried it once and all it did was upset my stomach. It wasn’t “my thing”. So I was the built in sober driver and had a blast without drinking. I was in competitive dance, the dance team, an editor of the school newspaper and in all advanced placement classes anyways…I didn’t have time to drink. Fast forward to graduation week. My high school sweetheart and first love and I had broken up and he was dating my best friend. Because of this there was a rift in many of my close friendships. I spent lunches alone in the library my last week of school. I sat one seat away from my best friend and ex boyfriend at the commencement ceremony. I made eye contact with her and we both started crying because we should have been walking together as best friends instead of apart. We had met in Kindergarten and had made it all the way to 12th grade by each other’s side and now we were on the way to being strangers (it should be noted that we are not in fact strangers, we are very much still in each others lives and overcame this by the grace of God.)

I started going to graduation parties and met Vodka. I remember thinking to myself “This stuff is good. This stuff makes me forget. This stuff makes me feel happy. This stuff takes me out of my shell.” This shit was magic. & probably then and there is when my addiction started. Throughout the years I partied hard and didn’t think twice about it because everyone was doing it. It was socially acceptable.

But then I started getting older and it stopped being as fun but I couldn’t find it in me to stop. I wasn’t drinking everyday and I didn’t ever “fiend” for it so I didn’t think I had a problem. From 19-29 I went through divorce, abandonment, abuse, and a lot of death. Alcohol was there for me through all of it. Alcohol was the one constant I had in my life. Alcohol made the sleepless nights turn into passing out finally. Alcohol made me forget and made the pain so much less. Until the morning when the shame would set in and I realized alcohol was just festering the demons inside of me.

I finally acknowledged my problem in January 2017. I was going through a break up and alcohol was not being kind to me. I finally admitted my issue and started down the path to recovery. I made it a whole month before I told myself “I am doing so good!!!” “I am not really an alcoholic look how well I have done!” “I can drink once in awhile.” Girl, no, you can’t. But I told myself that. I told myself that even as it escalated and I told myself that even a week ago when shit hit the fan in my life. I told other people that too, because I believed it. But after a lot of soul searching and talking to people who have experienced this also, I realize the truth for what it is now. I CANNOT drink. I AM an alcoholic.

With that weighing on my mind I reached out to every person I knew who had supported me during my first time trying to recover. My sober friends, my uplifting friends, my friends who wouldn’t judge me for my human mistakes. True to form, all of them have supported me again with no judgement and only words of encouragement.

Alcoholism is difficult because alcohol is a legal drug and everything from TV to memes to social media is plastered with jokes and references to it. It’s hard to escape. But it almost ruined my life recently and I need to break up with it for good.

So tonight I am going to an NA meeting and I have found a woman’s group near me that I can attend on Wednesday’s because its been advised I network and find sober friends. I also am going back to my yoga/recovery classes. I need as much support and meetings as possible right now.

In a way I am coming full circle.The week of my High School graduation I chose a life that could have destroyed me. This is the week of my college graduation and I am choosing life. I am choosing sobriety.

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My Silver Lining

My Silver Lining

MY SILVER LINING BY FIRST AID KIT 

 

I don’t want to wait anymore I’m tired of looking for answers
Take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter
I don’t know if I’m scared of dying but I’m scared of living too fast, too slow
Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I’ve got to go
There’s no starting over, no new beginnings, time races on
And you’ve just gotta keep on keeping on
Gotta keep on going, looking straight out on the road
Can’t worry ’bout what’s behind you or what’s coming for you further up the road
I try not to hold on to what is gone, I try to do right what is wrong
I try to keep on keeping on
Yeah I just keep on keeping onI hear a voice calling
Calling out for me
These shackles I’ve made in an attempt to be free
Be it for reason, be it for love
I won’t take the easy road

I’ve woken up in a hotel room, my worries as big as the moon
Having no idea who or what or where I am
Something good comes with the bad
A song’s never just sad
There’s hope, there’s a silver lining
Show me my silver lining
Show me my silver lining

I hear a voice calling
Calling out for me
These shackles I’ve made in an attempt to be free
Be it for reason, be it for love
I won’t take the easy road

I won’t take the easy road
The easy road, the easy road

Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on
Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on
Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on
Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on

This is quite possibly one of my favorite songs. This used to be my “snowboard” song. For whatever reason it just felt liberating to listen to it and be free outside. Like all the problems were at my back and I was racing on towards my silver lining.
Oh I did want to add…there were some surprising people that I would never have expected to help me get through some of this and if you are reading this thank you again. There are a few of you and you know who are you. ❤
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Turn it Around.

Turn it Around.

As much as I want to crawl in a hole and recluse I have found no solace in anything else and writing is my therapy.

I bounce between extreme depression and trying to tell myself everything happens for a reason. I don’t need to get into or relive the details of why I am at a crossroads, the point is that I am.

I haven’t been living my life in a way that makes me proud. I have slipped up on too many things, spent too much money, acted irresponsibility and went to a place internally I had hoped I would never get to again. This feels like emotional rock bottom.

Although on a surface level I have done all the right things (work, school, graduating with honors, buying a house, etc.) I have not spiritually been taking care of myself. I started to really do well on my journey a few months back but I don’t think I was addressing or handling the extreme pain I was actually feeling. I was masking it in so many ways trying to escape it any way I could. I was making an effort to be spiritual and enlightened – to extreme measures even. But I have never been an expert at self-care.

So here I am back at the beginning. I can stay on the ground defeated or I can rise up. Trust me, pulling myself out of bed this  morning required more effort than I thought possible, and in that moment I felt like saying “fuck it. I will just give up. I won’t go to work. I won’t open my eyes even.” But I am not the kind of person to do that.

To begin to heal entirely I have to admit that I buried my pain and didn’t heal myself properly. I tried but it became easier to drown it. I half ass took care of myself and for the wrong reasons. At the time I just wanted my boyfriend back. Then when I got over him but not the anger or pain of the situation I threw all my hard work out the window. A big FUCK you to the universe because how dare the world knock me down like that?

So I am going to let it all flow out and I couldn’t give a shit less who reads it and judges me, or whatever. This time I am doing this for me, and me alone.

For starters- all the pieces of shit men who abandoned me and made false promises. Fuck you. That may not be very spiritual but I don’t care. My healing does not need to come from wishing you well. I wish you get whatever it is you deserve because of your actions. My name is not Karma though and I can feel towards you however I feel and right now I am furious. Here’s some advice, don’t start dating a strong woman if you don’t know how to handle her. Don’t KEEP dating her and promise marriage then decide its “too hard” and randomly leave. There is no worse pain in this life than grieving the loss of a person who is still alive and forgiving someone who never said they are sorry. To feel as though you are worth NOTHING. That you are forgettable. It’s a horrid feeling and you need to know that it cuts deep and pulls people to dark places.

To myself- you have known this whole time you are being a shit head but you covered it up with excuses and bullshit. You convinced yourself that because you were accomplishing tangible things in life, you were on this path of greatness but really you were just abusing yourself internally. Neglecting to nurture the broken thing inside of you and covering it up with whatever could numb the pain. You have known it the whole time and you ignored it. I know your whole life has been surrounded by dysfunction, toxicity, addiction and neglect but you aren’t stupid. You knew you were succumbing to the darkness and you let it slide over you. No you actually ran to it with open arms. I am not going to beat you up over it, but THIS time you need to get right.

I am going off the grid for awhile. I will probably keep blogging because its the only thing that lifts the weight off of me. But social media is going to come to a halt other than inspiring things that lift my soul and give me hope. I am cutting down all my contacts and made my account private (except the witty witch because I don’t really post personal stuff on there anyways.) I just cant handle all the triggers right now. I need to focus on really building myself up again. It hurts to acknowledge I failed myself again, but at least I am strong enough to try. One more time, one more day at a time.

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The Full Strawberry Moon

The Full Strawberry Moon

As life has become more routine I am getting back into doing my hippie/wiccan things. Just last week my boyfriend and I had a reiki/relax night. I did reiki on both of us and then we took turns massaging each other with reiki music playing, crystals and candles everywhere…it was lovely and much needed! Tonight is the Full Strawberry moon and I am going overboard with this one.

Here is what the night will consist of:

  • Making moon water with clear quartz
  • Charging crystals (per standard)
  • A moon journal (detailing what goals I have for the entire moon cycle) including a spell for each moon phase going forward until the next full moon
  • A list of items to banish
  • A prayer
  • A letter to the universe asking it to help me manifest my goals

I am very lucky to have a partner that not only tolerates my moon rituals but also participates.

I have not been glowing love and light lately and have allowed a lot of things from both our pasts negatively impact my mood. It has consumed me and torn me apart and I need to refocus my energy on LOA and our present and our future together.

When you have been hurt, its easy to put walls up. Or in the words of Julia Michaels “got hands like an ocean, push you out pull you back in.” It’s not an intentional behavior to put walls up and try to guard myself but it happens from time to time and I need to release that blockage. I am going to end here because I have a LOT of hand written work to do for tonight. I hope this moon brings you all that you hope for and manifest.

Blessed be!

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National Best Friend Day

National Best Friend Day

I have written in the past about ridding yourself of toxicity when it comes to people. I have weeded out the bad seeds in my friendship field and because of this, my crops are depleted. And I could not be happier. I may only have a handful of quality friends but they blow other human’s out of the water. I am going to take this time to acknowledge the closest friends I have because they bring so much happiness to my life.

Megan– Girlll, I don’t even know where to start with you. We started out as complete strangers with identical passions and when we met my soul was like “yep, this human is the one.” Our first day meeting in person we did yoga and you certified me in Reiki and we had deep life talks. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced with friendship and since we have made a million more memories. You made me a reiki addict and I got you into Wiccan. We have enhanced each other’s lives in so many ways and my soul is forever grateful that the universe brought you to me.  I love you Megs!

Marisa– My little sees turned bestie. The only person that fully understands the dysfunction of our family and the toll it takes on a person. The person I go to to discuss Makeup, life decisions, my craziness, anxiety, eyebrows, Paris Hilton and everything in between. I can’t wait to see where life takes us when it’s already brought us to New York and other random (and potentially dangerous) adventures.

Alicia– My bestie since KINDERGARTEN. I cannot believe we have grown up to be the women we are. We went from having matching crayon boxes to wine boxes. We have gone to Vegas and NYC and gotten into more trouble than I will write about. We have thrown parties and fists at each other but we always come out on top and together. 24 years of my life have been spent with you and I know the next 24 are going to be even better. Marriage, babies, puppies, new houses, new travels. Thank you for always being a constant in my life when life is often so tumultuous and off kilter. You have always been a safe place to land and I love you!

Patricia– Not unlike Megs, we met in an odd way that only the Universe could be responsible for and thank god for it. You are one of the most genuine, beautiful souls I have ever met. You tell me what I need to hear even if it hurts and you help me through some of the darkest days. When I was broken hearted and you came and made me tea and rubbed my back so I could sleep…man, that is an act of humanity that I will carry with me my whole life. You deserve all the goodness in this world and I am so thankful you came into my life! I love you!

Jayce- I am noticing a pattern that I met all my friends online at this point!! LOL! If I remember correctly we met because you defended me against some internet trolls when we hadn’t even met yet. Then we had a pizza night and the rest is history. Thank you for always dealing with the crazy, willing to come over and spend the night when boys are mean and saging our *you know* when we needed a cleanse!! >.< & Thank you for letting me love your spawn. I know we don’t live seven minutes apart anymore but I LOVE you to the moon and back. Cocoa and Bunny for life!

Josh– I could write novels on the love I have for you and friend you are to me but we live together now and you already know because I’m annoying and smother you with love and affection every second of the day lol! Thank you for adventuring with me, always being down to do hippie and witchy shit and supporting my goals and dreams. You are my best friend and the fire that burns in my heart that makes me want to be the best woman I can. I love you and the life we have together.

I have met a lot of people in this lifetime but you guys are my favorites!

Thank you all for being the best humans ever 🙂 I love you to pieces.

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Commencement Ceremony

Commencement Ceremony

Today I was going back and forth in my mind on whether or not I want to attend my college graduation commencement ceremony. We can start picking up our cap and gowns today and that’s what set forth my thoughts. When I first got the announcement I was beyond ecstatic! The same week I got a letter announcing I had made the dean’s list again in my last quarter. It’s been several months since my last quarter, so these were nice little reminders that my extreme hard work paid off.

For some reason today I doubted whether I should attend or not for a few reasons. One, my step mom and dad can’t attend because my dad has surgery that same day. I partially feel torn celebrating when he has to undergo another surgery. Second, most of my friends graduated in the last commencement ceremony last June, but I had missed the cutoff. I feel anxious imagining sitting in a sea of unfamiliar faces. Third, I said “it’s just an associates from a community college, it’s not like you’re getting a PHD.” Then I thought. No, FUCK all that. When I took a leap of faith and started school again at 27, I was scared. Anxious. How was I going to fit in? How would I do when I hadn’t been in school for 8 years? Would I make any friends? The answer is I SMASHED my goals, made great life long friends, volunteered with some truly compassionate societies, and learned a ton. If I had let fear hold me back, I wouldn’t be here with my degree and on the dean’s list. People questioned me and asked why I wouldn’t just keep my job which doesn’t require a degree. They saw me working 40+ hours a week, plus attending full time classes. They saw me withering from the stress and unraveling at the seams but none the less I persisted. I wanted this for me. Not them. I have worked as a leasing agent/bookkeeper for the past ten  years and I was no longer feeling challenged or excited. I randomly applied for entry and a year and a half later received my diploma with honors and extra certification in small business management, entrepreneurship, and social media marketing. It doesn’t matter if it was from a small college, it was an experience I wouldn’t take back for the world. I am the first of my siblings to earn a college degree and I hope to pave the way for my younger siblings to follow in my footsteps. That might be cliche, but it’s true. I want them to learn the lessons I learned a little later in life. That a degree is far more important than boyfriends and parties.

So I have made up my mind. I will walk with my class because I earned that right to celebrate intelligence, confidence, and self-improvement.

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