I have been listening to “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero on Audible on my lunch breaks and in the car and it’s so enlightening. She goes into all the details I already know and learned from “The Secret” but with a brash sense of humor and mouth like a sailor so its easier for me to relate to. Even when you are well educated on the law of attraction, self love, and vibrating on a higher frequency, it’s good to remind yourself. Especially when you are trying to escape the clutches of addiction and feel weak, scared, hopeless and sick.
The parts of the book that I am really soaking up are the affirmations and forgiveness of self. I had really sunk to some deep lows this week and the negative self talk was crippling.
Today I am focusing on believing this quote by Jen Sincero:
“You are loved. Massively. Ferociously. Unconditionally. The Universe is totally freaking out about how awesome you are. It’s got you wrapped in a warm gorilla hug of adoration. It wants to give you everything you desire. It wants you to be happy. It wants you to see what it sees in you.”
I am also working on forgiving myself. She makes a point (and I am summarizing) that we are all born with the capability of making great mistakes. Our special skill in life though isn’t fucking up. We are gifted and special in so many ways, but fucking up is not our destiny. No one actively chooses to make mistakes. We were not born to just stumble through life with small victories and large mistakes. But they do happen. & when they do, forgive yourself and let it go. Learn from it, but let it go.
So here I am broke, destitute, sober and feeling like I am completely exposed and vulnerable. But I am going to choose to view it in another light. Money is disposable and comes and goes; i have a job, I will make it through alive. Being sober is not vulnerability it is strength. It takes more strength to face your problems with a clear mind and heart then to lay down and numb it away.
Just for today- I forgive myself and I love myself and I am sober.
Today I want to write about something that is weighing on my heart and mind so that I can release the weight and be free of it. I want to talk about toxicity. Something that I have struggled with my whole life. It took me 29 years and A LOT of money in therapy to realize something that comes very simply to others. You do not need to allow people to stay in your life if they are toxic.
What a concept. My current therapist explained to me like this: People will come and knock on your door all the time, you don’t always open the door to let everyone in. You should view access to your heart and soul in the same light. People will knock, but you can keep the door shut. You do not owe any person parts of you that you do not feel comfortable sharing. Regardless of whether they are family or long time friends. That is what I struggled the most with accepting. I believed if I had history with a person or was related to them, I had to try and make things work. I’m not talking about petty bickering or arguments. I am talking about toxic relationships that are fueled by manipulation, verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse, or the person merely being unhappy and negative. All of that negative energy surrounding you can exhaust you mentally and physically. I used to have so many toxic relationships and friendships and I would absorb all of it. If someone hurt me I thought of it as a direct consequence of something I must have done to “deserve it” or even if I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong I accepted it as “it is what it is” or chalked it up to a bad moment. But when the moments start becoming more frequent…it’s no longer a moment, its a pattern.
I have spoken before on the fact that I am an empath. To extreme degrees. When I do reiki on people I more often than not cry just from feeling their sadness come off of them. It takes its toll on a person to feel so deeply. I recognize that hurt people, hurt people. Which is one of the reasons I accept apologies I shouldn’t and brush off abuse. It’s become more frequent lately and I was reminded about how hard I have worked to get to this place of acknowledging toxicity and letting it go.
So here is the deal… I know a lot of people that know me personally read this. If you are a person who has gotten drunk and abused me verbally, I am done with it. There is sadly more than one of you so I will keep it as a general statement as you probably know who you are. If you have wasted your energy judging me and hurting me it ends today.
I am forgiving you for my own heart’s peace but I am letting you go. I am a good friend and person and although I make mistakes, I don’t deserve to be a verbal punching bag. Just because I live MY life the way I choose and see fit does not give anyone the right to make unprovoked attacks or comments. If you don’t pay my bills, feed me, support me, give me orgasms, or you just want to talk shit to talk shit… please kindly sit the fuck down. Evaluate your own life before you come wreaking havoc on my emotions. If you’re hurting, deal with that. Build your people up. If you tear them down your foundation with people is shaky at best and its hard to build back that strength…eventually you will find yourself alone because I refuse to be the pillar that props you up just for you to beat me down.
I have spent the past 3 months of my life re-focusing my energy on being a more awakened and happy individual and I walked through a lot of storms to get where I am. So I am asking those of you that aren’t working on bettering yourself and want to pull me back into the storm to let me go too.
I wish you well and hope you can meet me on the other side someday.
Let’s talk about self improvement. There are whole sections of self help books in the library. There are blogs on blogs about learning to love yourself. There are therapists that help you wade through your muddled thoughts and maybe get a glimpse of clarity. But this too has taken me 29 years to figure out…. you simply have to do it alone. Books, blogs, and therapists are simply tools, while you are the instrument. There is a quote from Cheryl Strayed that explains this perfectly
“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Acceptance is a small quiet room.”
And that is the scary truth. You can’t run from the pain, you certainly can’t hide from it; you have to sit in a quiet, dark, room with it. Look it right in the face and figure out how you can turn it in your favor to make you stronger and better.
People have always said I am so strong. But I am a fraud. I abuse alcohol to not feel the pain, I flirt with dangerous situations and men to make myself feel invincible, and yet I still end up in that quiet, dark, room. Alone with my pain. For 29 years I have put a wall up between myself and that mother-fucker. No more. I am going to smash it to pieces and from the pieces build my foundation back up. There will be cracks and it will be ugly but it will be mine. It will be my saving grace.
“You will learn a lot about yourself if you stretch in the direction of goodness, of bigness, of kindness, of forgiveness, of emotional bravery. Be a warrior for love.”
My entire life I have dealt with one heart break by replacing it with a new, unhealthy, relationship. I say unhealthy for no relationship can work when you’re still battling your demons. This recent relationship is the exception. Real, true, love did develop. This time around I want to, no need to, do it right. The old me would be downloading Tinder, flirting with everyone in my contacts list, and flying off to some exotic destination to run from the pain. I have never once, until now, used a breakup as a powerful tool for self reflection and growth. That in itself is a huge realization. Because of my serial rebound status, I have only been half full. I only half loved myself and therefore needed someone else to love me to fill me the rest of the way up. I have pent up a million insecurities inside of me from all the pain I have left inside of me and that overflowed onto my partner which was not fair to him. On all surface levels I was completely sane and loving. But there was a darkness inside of me from the past that I never confronted and it would rear its ugly head in my weakest moments. This led me to be an angry and bitter person. As I write this I weep at how my pain flowed out onto the person I love the most. It would be so much easier to call him an asshole and say he abandoned me. But that simply isn’t true. He loves me and saw something broken inside of me that I need to fix. Not for him, not for anyone else but myself. As hard as this is, the biggest blessing he could give me was a second chance at loving myself and battling my demons.
The thing is, I am a pretty bad ass girl. I am adventurous, smart, loving, and kind. I deserve love and a long, happy relationship. But first I need to find out how to really love myself. I need to accept the past hurts then wash away what no longer serves me or what continues to hurts me.
As the shock and pain of a relationship ending recedes and realizations hit you, its hard. No one wants to analyze what they did wrong in a relationship and accept it, but its necessary if you want to move on healthy for you, and healthy for your next partner or the return of the last.
The next step I need to do is stop obsessing on how to “make things work”. THANK GOD I started practicing mindfulness the past year because it’s so easy to spiral out of control running along side all the what ifs that are rolling around in your head. This will not make me stronger or benefit me in any way. It will simply be a form of self-torture and right now, I need to heal myself and grow.
Life hasn’t always been easy for me. I have survived a lot of loss and bumps in the road. Instead of storing them inside of me, I need to release them and start new. What a fabulous time to come to this realization with the recent passing of the new moon. The intention is set and the path is clear. Off I go.