My New Birthday.

My New Birthday.

Today I had to hit the reset button on my sobriety counter and nothing made me feel worse. The guilt, the shame, and the suffering that comes when you let yourself down is almost unbearable to face, but it’s part of recovery. If you relapse, you have to face it. The whole time I was relapsing I knew I was fucking up and I honestly just didn’t care in that moment. So many things had stacked against me and my emotions were all over the place. The more I drank the more shitty I felt, and thus the cycle of relapsing over and over again commences. You drink, feel bad about it so you drink again to numb the pain and the shame. Normal people can drink and go to bed and be fine. I drink an ungodly amount and create miserable situations for myself that I need to clean up the next day.

It isn’t a way to live. If you stray the path of recovery for even a moment you can hit bottom. It started with just missing a meeting here or there. Then I started allowing people to influence me. “You really can’t have a glass of wine?” NO. I CANT! But I told myself maybe this time I could. This leads to a bottle which leads to another. I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK. I WANT TO STAY SOBER AND LIVE A HEALTHY, NORMAL LIFE. Alcohol doesn’t phase normal people the way it does addicts. It creates a dark,empty hole inside of me. It unleashes every demon I have ever tried to drown in whiskey and it opens the flood gates for emotions and suppressed anger. It’s not fun for me like it is for others.

This is me taking accountability for what I have done wrong. I am new to recovery and still learning. I fall down but I pick myself back up.

My new birthday is 07/17/17. I believe in synchronicity. I believe numbers have meanings and come to us for different reasons as signs from the universe. I believe the power of this date will mean so much more to me than my previous birthday (6/19/17). Even if its just my superstitious belief alone that keeps me going…so be it.

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Recovery Round Two.

Recovery Round Two.

My post yesterday obviously alluded to some of this, but if I am going to get better I have to be completely candid. Here is my story of my addiction and my relapse and my journey to recover.

My family is completely saturated in addiction. From alcohol to heroin. Alcoholism runs rampant on both my mom and dad’s side of the family. We have lost more than a few to the disease.

In high school my friends all started drinking. I tried it once and all it did was upset my stomach. It wasn’t “my thing”. So I was the built in sober driver and had a blast without drinking. I was in competitive dance, the dance team, an editor of the school newspaper and in all advanced placement classes anyways…I didn’t have time to drink. Fast forward to graduation week. My high school sweetheart and first love and I had broken up and he was dating my best friend. Because of this there was a rift in many of my close friendships. I spent lunches alone in the library my last week of school. I sat one seat away from my best friend and ex boyfriend at the commencement ceremony. I made eye contact with her and we both started crying because we should have been walking together as best friends instead of apart. We had met in Kindergarten and had made it all the way to 12th grade by each other’s side and now we were on the way to being strangers (it should be noted that we are not in fact strangers, we are very much still in each others lives and overcame this by the grace of God.)

I started going to graduation parties and met Vodka. I remember thinking to myself “This stuff is good. This stuff makes me forget. This stuff makes me feel happy. This stuff takes me out of my shell.” This shit was magic. & probably then and there is when my addiction started. Throughout the years I partied hard and didn’t think twice about it because everyone was doing it. It was socially acceptable.

But then I started getting older and it stopped being as fun but I couldn’t find it in me to stop. I wasn’t drinking everyday and I didn’t ever “fiend” for it so I didn’t think I had a problem. From 19-29 I went through divorce, abandonment, abuse, and a lot of death. Alcohol was there for me through all of it. Alcohol was the one constant I had in my life. Alcohol made the sleepless nights turn into passing out finally. Alcohol made me forget and made the pain so much less. Until the morning when the shame would set in and I realized alcohol was just festering the demons inside of me.

I finally acknowledged my problem in January 2017. I was going through a break up and alcohol was not being kind to me. I finally admitted my issue and started down the path to recovery. I made it a whole month before I told myself “I am doing so good!!!” “I am not really an alcoholic look how well I have done!” “I can drink once in awhile.” Girl, no, you can’t. But I told myself that. I told myself that even as it escalated and I told myself that even a week ago when shit hit the fan in my life. I told other people that too, because I believed it. But after a lot of soul searching and talking to people who have experienced this also, I realize the truth for what it is now. I CANNOT drink. I AM an alcoholic.

With that weighing on my mind I reached out to every person I knew who had supported me during my first time trying to recover. My sober friends, my uplifting friends, my friends who wouldn’t judge me for my human mistakes. True to form, all of them have supported me again with no judgement and only words of encouragement.

Alcoholism is difficult because alcohol is a legal drug and everything from TV to memes to social media is plastered with jokes and references to it. It’s hard to escape. But it almost ruined my life recently and I need to break up with it for good.

So tonight I am going to an NA meeting and I have found a woman’s group near me that I can attend on Wednesday’s because its been advised I network and find sober friends. I also am going back to my yoga/recovery classes. I need as much support and meetings as possible right now.

In a way I am coming full circle.The week of my High School graduation I chose a life that could have destroyed me. This is the week of my college graduation and I am choosing life. I am choosing sobriety.

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