Happy Monday beautiful people! I have been busy busy busy this weekend!
On Friday I walked in my commencement ceremony. It was fun and exciting and a little bit sad. I will miss my school and the friends I made…the clubs I joined…but I am excited to have that checked off my bucket list. Originally I intended to immediately transfer to UW Tacoma or WSU online to get my BA in business but I am kind of worn out on the business front. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the program and saw that I had not only earned my AA in Business but also 4 additional certificates. I was anticipating 2 certificates but I received one in customer service, management, entrepreneurship, and sales. My focus now is going to be passing the state exam for my broker’s license. I love real estate and with my history working at title companies, the builder’s office for the past ten years, and leasing I think I will be quite successful if I put myself out there. I am going to take the practice exam for the first 60 hours this week and then chug along to the last 30 and second portion.
This weekend was a challenge on the sobriety front. I have learned the importance of going to meetings because if you miss one you might fuck up. Which I did. I will admit it. No one tells you going into this how shitty you will feel. The agitation, the depression, the “lost” feeling. I tried to keep myself busy with healthy activities. I deep cleaned the house, went kayaking, scavenged my parents private beach for seashells, cooked, everything you can think of. I am trying not to beat myself up for it, rather use it as a learning experience. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. Especially on the weekends. I have been networking with other women I know in the program and made plans to go to some meetings with them but I really need to find my place in all this. I REALLY need to find a sponsor that I can connect with and rely on. Doing this alone is way too hard. Especially when its two people trying to stay clean together. We can either build each other up or convince each other to slip up.
I have a new found respect for people who have come out on the other side and a new found understanding of people who can’t get it together. This is by far the hardest battle I have ever faced. It’s like running up hill with a fat guy on your back and the fat guy is all the shit you’ve done wrong and all the mistakes you’ve made. It’s so much easier to drop his ass and go back down the hill. But I don’t want to stop running. I want to run until I have the strength to make it to the top and never look back. I want sobriety so bad. So if I want it so bad why is it so hard? As I have watched my brother’s addiction to heroin spiral out of control for the past 5 years I would get furious at him. Why can’t he just get it together? Why can’t he stop? Why is he at his 20th rehab right now…hasn’t anything sunk in? & now I get it. We do not choose this life. We do not choose to have this disease. People who don’t have compassion for addicts must never have felt powerless and alone in their life. If they did they would understand the challenges we face everyday. Every day we have to make the choice to keep going or falling back and that is a big decision and a hard one when your brain and body want so badly to succumb to the addiction.
I am going to channel all my energy on obsessing over recovery. Weaker souls than mine have made it out of this. I have never backed down from a challenge and have succeeded at everything I have put my heart and mind to…this should be no different. I need a new moon like yesterday to do some moon magick for willpower. I definitely need to reiki the shit out of my solar plexus chakra. Ah, this is inspiring me to do a piece on the chakras and addiction. I will do some research today and probably put something together later.
So although I am new (again) to the sobriety thing I can already see small but positive changes in my life. It’s these little stepping stones that will guide me to the big victories.
For example: I have been talking to a lovely girl I met through my S/O’s NA group. I invited her to a meeting in Seattle this weekend, not really expecting her to say yes because that is the norm for people I had been surrounding myself with. Flakiness, backing out, etc. But she instantly said yes! Sober people are so down to support you and help keep you lifted up without skipping a beat. Then today. I did my Starbucks routine: Grande cold brew with cream and 2 stevias and a trenta ice water. For the first time in a long time I picked up the coffee first and sipped it. Before, I would literally drink a whole trenta ice water before I got to work because I was so dehydrated and couldn’t stomach coffee until I drank water. I wasn’t even consciously choosing the coffee over the water this morning but when I put it down I realized what had happened. To some this is such a minuscule thing to even notice but to me it was a mark of waking up refreshed and NOT dying of thirst and nausea. It is also a mark of being entirely present in the moment. There were days where I don’t even barely remember driving to work because I was so exhausted and felt so shitty. Today I went into work an hour early and drank my coffee first. Small, but real victories.
Today is my graduation ceremony and it feels odd but liberating to not be celebrating with a fifth of vodka. It also feels weird to be having company tomorrow and not serve alcohol. I jokingly asked my friend “what do you do at a party if you don’t drink? Communicate like normal humans? Unclear.” Although I was joking, I’m not….lol. What DO you do?? I have to re-learn how to socialize without drinking. That concept might come easy to others but my whole adult life alcohol has always been the life of the party. I guess we will just have to see what tomorrow brings. Since I am supposed to be taking it one day at a time I will put tomorrow on the shelf and embrace whatever comes then.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and if anyone on here is graduating also, CONGRATS!
Today I was going back and forth in my mind on whether or not I want to attend my college graduation commencement ceremony. We can start picking up our cap and gowns today and that’s what set forth my thoughts. When I first got the announcement I was beyond ecstatic! The same week I got a letter announcing I had made the dean’s list again in my last quarter. It’s been several months since my last quarter, so these were nice little reminders that my extreme hard work paid off.
For some reason today I doubted whether I should attend or not for a few reasons. One, my step mom and dad can’t attend because my dad has surgery that same day. I partially feel torn celebrating when he has to undergo another surgery. Second, most of my friends graduated in the last commencement ceremony last June, but I had missed the cutoff. I feel anxious imagining sitting in a sea of unfamiliar faces. Third, I said “it’s just an associates from a community college, it’s not like you’re getting a PHD.” Then I thought. No, FUCK all that. When I took a leap of faith and started school again at 27, I was scared. Anxious. How was I going to fit in? How would I do when I hadn’t been in school for 8 years? Would I make any friends? The answer is I SMASHED my goals, made great life long friends, volunteered with some truly compassionate societies, and learned a ton. If I had let fear hold me back, I wouldn’t be here with my degree and on the dean’s list. People questioned me and asked why I wouldn’t just keep my job which doesn’t require a degree. They saw me working 40+ hours a week, plus attending full time classes. They saw me withering from the stress and unraveling at the seams but none the less I persisted. I wanted this for me. Not them. I have worked as a leasing agent/bookkeeper for the past ten years and I was no longer feeling challenged or excited. I randomly applied for entry and a year and a half later received my diploma with honors and extra certification in small business management, entrepreneurship, and social media marketing. It doesn’t matter if it was from a small college, it was an experience I wouldn’t take back for the world. I am the first of my siblings to earn a college degree and I hope to pave the way for my younger siblings to follow in my footsteps. That might be cliche, but it’s true. I want them to learn the lessons I learned a little later in life. That a degree is far more important than boyfriends and parties.
So I have made up my mind. I will walk with my class because I earned that right to celebrate intelligence, confidence, and self-improvement.