If Love Could Have Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever.

If Love Could Have Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever.

Today marks 7 years since my older brother chose to end his own life. In the past this day has been one of great sorrow and all I could do to cope was drink. The only way I could try to process the feelings and look for answers was by searching for them at the bottom of the bottle. The answers were never there and never will be, because my brother took them to the grave with him. The mess that suicide leaves behind is incomprehensible.

My brother’s girlfriend and two young daughters were the first to arrive on the scene (my brother shot himself.) His oldest daughter wrote this poem

“I came home I seen a mess you told me sorry but it doesn’t help, it doesn’t help. Why did you do this to me? So I just went outside to see the moon then I seen the stars. So reach for the stars and we’ll be all right. I promise you, so let’s reach for the stars we’ll be fine reaching for the stars, reaching for the stars.”
~Lexie Ellis

If little Lexie can find hope in the stars, so can I. I no longer want to be a part of the mess and the cycle of addiction and mental illness. This year I am choosing to honor his life with sobriety and sanity. I am going to laugh and cry in his memory, but I will not drown it with alcohol. I don’t talk to Dale much anymore and I feel compelled to today. Here is my open letter to him. Simply because if we keep quiet about the after math of suicide the stigma remains.

Dale,

I cannot believe it’s been seven years since I got the phone call that you had left us. So much has happened in that time, it feels like I have lived a whole lifetime split in two. A life with you in it and one without you. I have been married and divorced (you know the women in our family, it was destined to end badly the first time.) I have loved and lost. I have lost a lot. I know you have watched over me and seen me spiral out. I know you always had higher hopes for me because you always told me “you are the smart one in the family keep going in school and do something big”. I finally did it big brother! I graduated, become a real estate broker and I am sober. I enjoy my life and nurture my mental illness so that I can have a full and happy life that addiction and depression robbed you of. How I wish I could spend one more day with you in our tree fort without a care in the world other than swapping pogs and laughing…or terrorizing our sister on Burrito night. The laughs and the joy we had as children carry me through the dark days when I am missing you. I know I haven’t always clung to the happy times and have felt anger towards you for leaving us behind but I have come to peace with it. I saw a psychic (Dont even roll your eyes at me, we played with a Ouija board together for years) and she told me “he just wasn’t meant to be on this earth in this life for a long time. He is in the white light and at peace.” I believe that. You were a funny, caring, wild, and sensitive soul who just got lost somewhere along the way and had to be called home to do your work from afar. I feel your love wherever you are. When we meet again I imagine myself sitting with you in the kitchen and me making you a Pb&J because you said I make them best because of my OCD…”you put the peanut butter all the way to the edge of the crust”. Today I will focus on our laughter, perfect Pb&j sandwiches and no brown shoes.

xoxo Skully

 

If you or someone you know is suffering, please reach out. You matter. Call 1-800-273-8255

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But You Don’t Look Like an Addict.

But You Don’t Look Like an Addict.

I want hit you with some cold hard facts about addiction.

There are myths and legends abound about what an addict is composed of, what we do, how we think, how we feel, what we deserve and what we don’t deserve. With all due respect…until you have experienced the dark depths that is addiction, you don’t know shit. We are ALL human’s and the degree of our suffering varies from individual to individual.

I am a 5’1″, blonde haired, blue eyed girl with a sunny disposition. I smile at every stranger I make eye contact with and car karaoke to Britney Spears and Taylor Swift. I meditate and pray to reiki music and use the healing touch of reiki to help others. I like to cook and walk on the beach and collect seashells. I hike and revel in the beauty that is the pacific northwest. In all senses I come across as a very “normal” and peaceful person. Just because the vessel that is carrying out these day to day motions looks calm and collected does not mean the soul that resides in it is calm. Stevie Nicks says “Never have I been a calm blue sea, I have always been a storm”. I am both. On the outside I am a calm sea, on the inside I am a storm. Not always…but that darkness is in there.

Addiction is not prejudiced. It touches the religious, the atheist, the broken and downtrodden, and the CEO’s of major companies. It grips women and men, young and old. It suffocates gays, straights, every national origin and race. It kills the rich, the poor, the beautiful and the ugly.

You get the point…addiction runs rampant like a tornado picking up and destroying anything that happens to be in its path. Now let’s talk about the aftermath. You have finally come down, fallen on your face which we refer to as our rock bottom and realize you can’t go on like this. This is when we tentatively walk into our first meeting with our eyes on the ground. Uncomfortable with the warmth and hugs being passed around between these humans that seem so different from you, who are actually the same as you. Laughter and joy swirls around the room on the wings of the scent of percolating coffee and you wonder how these people are so happy when they don’t “get to” drink? This is what they get to look forward to? Sitting in a circle talking about the shit show they have made of their life? You sit silently your first few meetings still digging your heels in the ground. Reading the book letting it flow in one ear and out the other. Sometimes, a lot of the the time, we relapse. Rock bottom comes faster and harder this time. A month has gone by and you’ve been on a bender that has left you shaky in the hands, weak in the knees, sick to  your stomach and ashamed. With heavy feet you walk back into that room and as if time hasn’t touched anything, they are all still there. Hugging, laughing, and sipping their coffee. Still happy, still not “getting to” drink…and then you realize…its because of their lack of drinking, its because of their supporting hugs, emotional outpouring, and acknowledgement that they are the ones smiling. A little bell goes off in your brain, you lift your heels out of the mud and you pick that book back up with a new drive to learn how to do this too. A week goes by and you are almost out of the woods with your withdrawals. The night sweats are gone, your mind is more clear and you are soaking up the message AA (or NA) has to offer and opening up your wounds to begin healing them from the inside out. You begin to have a subtle obsession with recovery rather than alcohol or drugs. All of a sudden free coffee and women’s meetings are you new liquor store. You feel euphoria walking into church rooms and hugging those women and men who not long ago felt like weird, foreign creatures. They are now your family. Your friends. Your life line.

All that sounds rosy and fantastic and like the happy ending of the story has come. The truth is the ending never comes for an addict. I do not desire to drink, but I crave the drink. I don’t want to be drunk, but I miss being drunk. To “normies” that makes no sense and is a total contradiction but I guarantee most addicts will understand….we know we cant drink and we really don’t want to, but yes we do. I know I can’t sit on my deck and watch the sunset with a glass of wine. It never ends that peacefully and it is not a moment of serenity. The first glass of wine turns into two bottles and a hellacious mental ordeal. At one of my women’s meetings we read a story in the big book and this line from it knocked the wind out of me with its truth “that special relationship with alcohol will always be there, waiting to seduce me again. I can stay protected by continuing to be an active member of AA”. So you see, the work of the 12 steps never ends. The choice to stay sober is a DAILY choice. We do recover but it is an everyday effort. You cannot give us a pill and we are magically cured. Actually, if there were a pill we would probably become addicted to that.

When we speak about recovery we speak with gratitude, joy, and appreciation. We rarely talk about the parts we all know to be true though. We feel anger, stress, desire to give up, we scream into our pillow “why am I like this”, and we sit in the midst of emotions we have suppressed with booze or pills that are now crashing over us like waves that want to take our life. But this recovery thing is a journey….the ending of this journey doesn’t come until the vessel that carries our soul has expired. But I promise that journey will fill you far more than any substance ever could.

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FOURTEEN DAYS SOBER!

FOURTEEN DAYS SOBER!

I don’t have a ton of time to write, and it certainly isn’t anything profound but it’s important to me. Today marks 14 days sober. The longest amount of consecutive days since 18 years old that not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips! Tomorrow is the start of August and I cannot wait to hit that 30 day mark and celebrate my birthday with my sisters in recovery!

This has been such an amazing journey in just two weeks I cannot imagine how my life is going to be months and years in. I owe my life and sanity to Alcoholics Anonymous.

It really is about taking it one day at a time, working the steps, going to meetings, talking to your sponsor and chatting your higher power’s ear off. If you don’t work the program it doesn’t work. This time I am dedicated to my recovery and my healing and it is paying off. Slowly, surely, and day by day.

Thank you for never giving up on me Universe/God/Goddess.

 

 

Don’t You Worry Your Pretty Little Mind, People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine.

Don’t You Worry Your Pretty Little Mind, People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine.

Most of my blog followers and friends know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and write from it. I am an open book, sharing my struggles, triumphs, lows, highs and everything in between. I have a public Instagram because I found when I turned the privacy setting off, an abundance of like minded people started following, commenting and liking my posts. I have found some truly inspirational pages since making my account public. I used to hide my heart and my social media due to fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being followed by people I didn’t want to see my life, and fear of bullies.

Recently some unsavory people from the past have been cropping up and my first instinct was to make my Instagram private and not blog. Then I went to an AA meeting and a line from the passage we were reading in the big book spoke to me…”Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope.” – The Big Book. This is the mentality I have taken on my blog posts about not only alcoholism and recovery but also recovering from broken hearts, anxiety, mental illness, and eating disorders. I also like to openly share the joys in my life because if this blog alone can span from darkness to light so can your life…that is why I write candidly and openly. Maybe somewhere these words are making an impact through sharing experience, strength and hope on all aspects of life.

Yesterday was a rough day emotionally. I took my real estate broker’s exam and failed by 5 points. Following that there was an onslaught of unnecessary drama and work was a struggle. I picked up the phone and called my sponsor and she was a voice of reason in the midst of chaos. She gave me page numbers to read in the big book to re-direct my faith and I felt like the load was lighter. Off an on throughout the day the waves of anxiety crashed over me and I kept repeating in my head what she told me…”It is none of your business what other people think about you or do. You know the truth about you and your higher power knows the truth.” Isn’t that the truth? People can form opinions of you based on emotions they are feeling, but that is a reflection of their heart, not yours. I have been a target of stalking and bullying for a long time and I could never figure out why. A specific example of the kind of messages that have been plaguing my inbox “I’m glad you finally admitted you are an alcoholic instead of being a fake bitch.” At first I was hurt when I read those words. Because yes I was in denial about my disease for a very long time. But I’m not anymore, so all I can do is agree with you messenger…I am really glad I admitted I’m an alcoholic too. To the people who don’t like me who might be reading this I am sure they are thinking in their head that I get targeted because I’m a bitch, I’m this, I’m that. But the only thing that can come to my mind is “Don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine” – Taylor Swift.  I am not perfect by any means. I have petty moments, sassy moments, I throw tantrums, and I have insecurities. I even quote Taylor Swift. The difference is that I make attempts everyday to overcome my human defects to the best of my ability by spreading light into the world and that includes sharing my life story.

So, as of today the Instagram is back to public, the blogging will commence. I cannot promise you will always agree with me and more often than not you will probably be shakin’ your head thinking “this mess”….and that’s OK. I want to be alive and free in my own skin no matter how flawed it may be…with the hope that someone, somewhere is taking something away with them.

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Experiencing the Rawness of Living Through Sobriety.

Experiencing the Rawness of Living Through Sobriety.

The universe is throwing me curve-balls left and right this past week but I have been whacking them out of the park with grace, dignity, and sobriety.

This calm and peace came to me after my women’s meeting last Wednesday. Not only did I find a sponsor but we worked on step 3 of the 12 steps and that is surrendering our power over to God, or a higher power as we know it and acknowledging we are not in control of our addiction and our lives. This step on my own was very difficult to work through but hearing the women talk about how they tackle this step and utilize it really made me sit back, let out a deep breath and surrender my power. Since then even in moments of chaos I feel calm because I have accepted I am not the one in control. Not my circus, not my monkeys type of thing. When toxic people have started cropping back up in my life instead of allowing myself to get angry or emotional I ask myself “does their behavior have anything to do with me or is a reflection of the person I am?” The answer is always NO…leaving me free to go about my day and focus on my recovery.

I won’t lie and say the hard moments didn’t make me cry or feel anxious. One thing about sobriety is you actually FEEL everything again. The good, the bad and all of it in between. Your heart, soul and mind isn’t bogged down by alcohol or a hangover so you get to experience the rawness of living. This was what used to terrify me the most about sober living, but to be completely honest it’s been refreshing. A solid reminder that I am a human. I am flesh, blood, and a soul….no longer a zombie crawling towards my next fix. I no longer have to schedule every little thing I do around alcohol and “drinking times”. I am ALIVE.

Being this high on life has carried me through the obstacles that have been challenging me. I have so much optimism, hope and warmth in my heart that I don’t feel like I can be stopped. I am not perfect (or as we say in AA, we are not saints) but I am working the program as I know how with diligence and heart.

Some people have had some things to say about me being in the program, actually cutting me down for it…but they are still active in their addiction so I am letting it slide right off me and am praying for their well-being. Even if they are psychopaths, they deserve sobriety just as much as the next person.

This week my focus is working the steps, attending the meetings, meeting up with my sponsor and taking it one day at a time.  My sponsor always says “don’t say, I only have this many days, or this many hours…all we are promised is 24.”

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New Moons & Satanic Sinuses

New Moons & Satanic Sinuses

Happy Friday and NEW MOON in Gemini! I want to thank my friends and readers for still supporting the blog as the focus has shifted slightly from spirituality and witchy matters to sobriety. I am trying to find a balance of both but my blog is my therapy, and right now my main focus is my health and recovery. I have also had people reach out to me on the cusp of admitting they have a problem to let me know my blog is helping reveal some truths within themselves….and if I can convince one person to get in a meeting from my blogs then I have no regrets about opening up so candidly.

Today I just want to ramble about life in general. I woke up this morning with the worst allergy attack I’ve had all year. I am sitting at my desk with Kleenex shoved up each nostril because blowing my nose has done nothing to stop the constant flow. I tried my steroid sprays, claritin, saline sprays, etc….Summer is officially here! It does have me concerned about my upcoming 8 mile hike in the enchantments. As a person with allergies and asthma its always in the back of my mind that going deep into the wilderness and off the grid may present challenges for me. I have had to turn back on more than one hike. This is THEE hike though. The one that has been on my bucket list for two years! If I have to crawl to Colchuck I will. I am so looking forward to the hike and the wonderful cabin we have booked in Leavenworth. It has a wood burning hot tub that is filled with natural flowing spring water. I have stayed at this cabin before and it gets better each time. You can see every star in the sky at night. It will be a great way to end an exhausting hiking day. I can’t wait to go scavenging for herbs and plants also. The cabin is located on a large privately owned piece of land with a private waterfall and hiking trails. Imagine all the goodies I can find to stock my apothecary cabinet! Stay tuned to the Instagram for pictures!

I have had my nose in the real estate practice books this whole week and am going to take practice test number two Saturday or Sunday. Saturday is my graduation party so I’m not sure how much I will want to invest in that and Sunday we were invited to go boating but I need to just get this out of the way. It’s right at my fingertips!

Other than that life is falling into a routine already. Work, study, meeting, sleep, repeat. I am feeling a little lonely and left behind because my S/O is back in contact with all his friends from the program while I am actively avoiding many of my friends that use still. I am also facing a torrent of people that claim couples can’t get clean together. On the contrary….I find it incredibly helpful that we are in this together. We keep each other accountable and when I am tired and feeling like I don’t want to hit a meeting he reminds me why we are doing this and I get up and go. We have our separate meetings, but sometimes I go to NA with him and sometimes he goes to AA with me. It’s about balance and support. We hit the bottom together and we can rise up together.

Yesterday I had to testify for work at a court hearing. We broke for lunch and my boss took me to…*gulp* a bar! I sat with my back to it so I didn’t have Jim, Jack, and Jose staring me down but shit…just walking in was a fuckery. On the way home the sun was shining, I killed it in court, and I had urge after urge to stop and get a bottle of wine. As I drove past the store my fingers started idly drumming like crazy on the steering wheel. I started blasting Nirvana to drown out my thoughts. I made it past the store…and within 15 minutes the urge was gone. I keep telling myself if I can’t get through the day, get through just 15 minutes. I’ve given myself a little incentive too for the long term. If I stay a month sober I am going to buy myself this:

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How PERF is this for me?

Anyways- tonight being the new moon and all I have a lot of things I want to cover magically but I also have an NA meeting to go to, so it might have to be put off until after or tomorrow (I know tonight is ideal…but we cant always be perfect witches). New moon’s are essential for manifesting change though, so something magical definitely will be taking place at the burrow this weekend!

I hope you all have a blessed and happy weekend! Namaste and Blessed be.

Moon-Beam

Women’s Groups & Crystals for Addiction

Women’s Groups & Crystals for Addiction

Another day down. Another beautiful morning!

My days feel quite chaotic between work, real estate school and now meetings but it’s a good kind of chaos. Last night I had my first women’s group meeting and I think I may have found my “home group” and hopefully where I will find my sponsor! They were such candid, open, friendly and lovely souls. Forget handshakes…they each hugged me and welcomed me to the family. It is amazing the power unity can have over you. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel like I just wanted to belong…I felt like I did. We all have different stories but we are all walking the same path together. I’ve never met a friend or stranger who said “I’m the one who works nights, so if you need to talk, I’m the one to call at 3 AM…I put a star by my name”. Another girl took a selfie and put her number in my phone then texted herself “to make sure to bug you about coming back.” These people truly want you to succeed. I just feel so blessed and humbled today.

All that being said, I am now working on step 2 since I can only beat step one to death so many times a day. I get it…I am powerless over my disease and my life. Now its time to take the plunge to step two: ““Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” I consider myself a very spiritual person. I am still trying to wrap my head around the use of the word God in the literature. I have gotten into this before on this blog…I believe in God as an entity and the Goddesses so I have to remember when it says “God” to just refer to my higher power. This step is more challenging the first step because it requires SURRENDER. Surrender is difficult for those (especially addicts) with abandonment and trust issues. Asking one to surrender is asking a lot. From what I gather from the meetings though, this comes easier. The more you attend the more your walls break down. I am going to give it a little push so I started doing some research on healing with crystals (and of course doing reiki on myself). Here is what I have found on the chakras and crystals for addiction…

CRYSTALS 

Amethyst is the mother of all healing crystals for addiction according to all the sites I have visited. Here is a direct quote from the Harbor Village Florida recovery site:

Amethyst: Amethyst in Greek actually translates into “not drunk.” As such amethyst is touted among crystal healers as the ultimate go-to for addiction to any substance, really. But the purple wonder is a favorite among recovering alcoholics too. In crystal healing amethyst helps bring its users closer to their own spirituality, bestow wisdom, and help wash away negativity with divine wisdom. Meditating with this stone is alleged to cleanse and recharge the body, mind, and spirit.

SOURCE: Harbor Village

Amethyst is one of my favorite stones. With the right intention you can do so many things. You can open your third eye, heal yourself physically and apparently help with alcoholism!

Another great stone is Citrine. Citrine can help balance your Solar Plexus Chakra which is in charge of your will power. Citrine also banishes negativity and leaves the user feeling light and warm.

There are other specific stones for specific addictions but since I am an alcoholic, my research has centered on alcoholism.

CHAKRAS 

Each Chakra plays an active role in addiction and recovery. Here are how our chakras can effect us during active addiction and recovery:

CROWN– The crown is located on top of the head and rules our thoughts and consciousness. It also controls our spirituality and nervous system. If the crown is out of balance it makes sense that these things will be suffering…over thinking, lack of spiritual connections, and overwhelming thoughts are an effect of an unbalanced crown.

THIRD EYE- Our third eye does more than look into the future or control our psychic abilities. It also controls our ability to look within ourselves for answers we know to be true. If the third eye is clouded  you may feel like you don’t know up from down or where to start on your journey to recovery. Ironically, the stone that can balance your Third Eye is the Amethyst, so this is an important Chakra to pay attention to when in recovery. The third eye also regulates sleep…something most addicts struggle with. 

THROAT- The throat Chakra controls not only how we communicate but can also dictate our compulsiveness. Many addicts, if not all, have a careless compulsiveness. Therefore making sure the throat is aligned will help ease temptation to relapse. 

HEART- The heart dictates our emotions. Many addicts bury their emotions or conversely, display them in an erratic manner. The heart also controls sugar cravings, which are amplified in recovery. When one balances the heart Chakra they should feel more emotionally stable and strong.  

SOLAR PLEXUS- The solar plexus is one of the key Chakras to helping with recovery. As I mentioned before, it controls our will power, our digestion, our fears and our anxieties. A huge part of recovery is having the willpower to say NO. If your solar plexus is a mess, you will struggle with having the power to say no day after day. 

SACRAL- The Sacral Charka centers around pleasures. Addicts love to feel pleasure wether it be from a high, a buzz, sex, etc. The Sacral is more geared towards sexual pleasure however. Sometimes when addicts are clean they find a higher sex drive is present. This should be monitored so one addiction doesn’t crossover to sex addiction. Balancing of this will keep a steady and healthy sex drive. Some may become depressed on the opposite hand though and have no sex drive. If you balance this Chakra you should have a balanced sex drive and healthy sex life. 

ROOT- Our root is our center. Like the crown it is one of the cardinal Chakras for well being. The root keeps us grounded and is our center of survival. When the root is strong and balanced our sense of survival kicks in therefore pushing us forward through recovery while keeping us grounded. 

You do not have to be a certified Reiki healer to balance your own Chakras. There are a lot of sites on Etsy where you can get a beginner Chakra set and simply meditate with them, get to know them, and heal with them. Additionally, you don’t even need to be an addict or have anything remarkably wrong with you to balance your Chakras. Its a good practice for anyone from any walk of life. It helps relax your mind, body, and spirit. We can ALL use some TLC for ourselves.

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