Happy New Year and Happy one year anniversary to the witty witch!
One year ago this month I started this blog. I cannot believe how fast it has gone…in the blink of a teary eye it went by. I speak so candidly on the happenings in my world that there isn’t room to write a reflecting piece as I write so frequently on what is happening in my life. As always though the urge to write was there, so here I am.
2017, what a year. So many blessings, so much good, and so many lows. There are a few precious lessons I learned that a value cannot be placed on. These lessons are only learned through living life. Sometimes they seem harsh and overbearing but they are necessary. How can we grow if we are stuck in safe little boxes? How can we see the light if we never see the dark? How can we know high if we didn’t scrape bottom?
The first lesson I learned is letting go. As a person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder letting go used to be impossible. My mind was a pitbull. It would clamp its jaws on a thought and shake it until it was no longer recognizable. So many thoughts became “truths” to me that I spent less and less time in the present and the real truth and stuck in some warped sense of reality. I learned that although I believe our thoughts can become things…they aren’t YET. When a thought drifts into your head, that’s all it is yet. A thought. Not a reality. Worrying has never accomplished anything except manifest poor results and form frown lines. I haven’t mastered it yet but I have started to learn the beauty in letting it go. Learning to sit side by side an uncomfortable thought with acceptance in my heart and and peace in my mind. This was something I never would have began practicing if it weren’t for sobriety. This doesn’t work when you are a bottle of wine in drowning in all your thoughts and worry. Some refer to this as mindfulness and there are entire books and workshops on how to become the master of it.
The second lesson I learned is comparison will kill you. Maybe not physically but it will mentally destroy you. I have mastered few things in my 30 years of life, but comparison I practically have a PhD in. Comparing my outer appearance, my grades, my progress in recovery, my house to the neighbors, my growth spiritually to everyone else, my weight loss or gain, my clothes, my makeup, my sense of humor, EVERYTHING. I could never just peacefully own and accept something as my own. Just like with drinking though I soon got very sick of my own bullshit. 30 years is an exhaustive amount of time to be stuck in a cycle of self loathing and comparing yourself to others. I still catch myself doing it but the real lesson here was knowing how very detrimental it is to my peace. Nobody is living the life I am. How can I possibly begin to compare my journey to someone else when we are never on the same page as another person? We might have similar journeys and cross paths from time to time, but this journey is truly one you are taking alone. Even if you are married, have kids, etc…you are the one who has to walk through this life and with that comes a certain responsibility to yourself.
The third is the hardest for me yet and I have barely got a tiny grasp on it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about you or your actions as long as you can stand by your choices with a clear conscience and open heart. I have never NOT worried what someone was thinking about me. It was bad enough I sat and worried myself sick with my own thoughts and comparison I was also concerned with what everyone else would think and feel about me if I did or acted a certain way. I am a people pleasing doormat. I have allowed people to say and do hurtful things to me because I think they have some right or privilege to do so and that is wrong. When I make life choices I tend to explain myself in great detail or give my reasons why I did what I did. Why? I follow my heart and intuition and that should be enough. Again, this is MY journey…why do I feel the need to get a stamp of approval from everyone else and then wither and die inside when they don’t agree with me or understand me? It is in my nature and ingrained in my very being but I am working hard to release it little by little. You think my choice to join AA versus a faith based recovery program is stupid? Too bad. You think I should do a high carb way of eating instead of high fat? Oh well. You think paganism is equal to Satan worship? Bless your heart. You think my boyfriend is trash because you don’t personally like him? Guess it’s a good thing he is my boyfriend and not yours then. You think I’m a snowflake because I care about human rights? Good, I would rather be a shimmery snowflake than a rigid asshole with a boner for Trump. Something that is true for all aspects of our lives is what works for some doesn’t work for others. Being an empath its hard to feel such strong emotions coming off people and NOT take it personally but I really am working on it and I hope if you know me personally you RESPECT that. Love me for the content of my character, my sense of humor, my good grace and even my flaws…
I know going forward and very shortly there will be some struggles I will have to face. I don’t know yet how big or serious they will be but I know they are coming. I am fearful what it means for my sobriety. I am fearful for what it means for my life. I do know though that no matter what comes going forward I have a lot of good in this world. I have a lot of people on my side and a lot of love. I am a firm believer that love can get you through some of the worst situations and when love is lacking there is always books and bubble baths.
So all of that being said I know that all things are temporary. Happiness, pain, strife, stress, and joy. I hope that whatever temporary spot you are personally in right now is serving you warmth, joy and love. I hope for myself that this year continues to be a year of growth and blooming. Namaste.