Today I had to hit the reset button on my sobriety counter and nothing made me feel worse. The guilt, the shame, and the suffering that comes when you let yourself down is almost unbearable to face, but it’s part of recovery. If you relapse, you have to face it. The whole time I was relapsing I knew I was fucking up and I honestly just didn’t care in that moment. So many things had stacked against me and my emotions were all over the place. The more I drank the more shitty I felt, and thus the cycle of relapsing over and over again commences. You drink, feel bad about it so you drink again to numb the pain and the shame. Normal people can drink and go to bed and be fine. I drink an ungodly amount and create miserable situations for myself that I need to clean up the next day.
It isn’t a way to live. If you stray the path of recovery for even a moment you can hit bottom. It started with just missing a meeting here or there. Then I started allowing people to influence me. “You really can’t have a glass of wine?” NO. I CANT! But I told myself maybe this time I could. This leads to a bottle which leads to another. I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK. I WANT TO STAY SOBER AND LIVE A HEALTHY, NORMAL LIFE. Alcohol doesn’t phase normal people the way it does addicts. It creates a dark,empty hole inside of me. It unleashes every demon I have ever tried to drown in whiskey and it opens the flood gates for emotions and suppressed anger. It’s not fun for me like it is for others.
This is me taking accountability for what I have done wrong. I am new to recovery and still learning. I fall down but I pick myself back up.
My new birthday is 07/17/17. I believe in synchronicity. I believe numbers have meanings and come to us for different reasons as signs from the universe. I believe the power of this date will mean so much more to me than my previous birthday (6/19/17). Even if its just my superstitious belief alone that keeps me going…so be it.