The day started out so well but here I am with my head in my hands crying because this is a roller coaster I never wanted to get on. I wanted to stay in the numb abyss of addiction forever. I wanted the option to NOT FEEL. Who the fuck has that right to take that from me?
I feel like saying fuck you. I don’t know to who or what. But Fuck you anyways.
I want to punch something.
I want to starve myself because THAT is something I am good at controlling. I am actually REALLY good at eating disorders and really shitty at staying sober. So my mind is like “hey maybe if you start fucking starving again you won’t think about drinking.” With one I have willpower with the other I don’t.
How can I be so fucking dedicated to destroying myself by starving but not dedicated to surviving through sobriety?
I think about all the times I went to bat for my brothers sobriety and he couldn’t have given a shit less and here I am picking up scraps of hope like a lost dog. Maybe I didn’t fuck up enough in my life for people to take my recovery serious enough. Maybe I should have went into a coma. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to function through the mess. Maybe then I would be at a resort style 3 month program instead of this hot office resenting everyone and anything I come in contact with right now.
Who knew one person could feel so much shit and who knew all it took was being sober to feel it all?
& they say this is worth it.