Happy Monday beautiful people! I have been busy busy busy this weekend!
On Friday I walked in my commencement ceremony. It was fun and exciting and a little bit sad. I will miss my school and the friends I made…the clubs I joined…but I am excited to have that checked off my bucket list. Originally I intended to immediately transfer to UW Tacoma or WSU online to get my BA in business but I am kind of worn out on the business front. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the program and saw that I had not only earned my AA in Business but also 4 additional certificates. I was anticipating 2 certificates but I received one in customer service, management, entrepreneurship, and sales. My focus now is going to be passing the state exam for my broker’s license. I love real estate and with my history working at title companies, the builder’s office for the past ten years, and leasing I think I will be quite successful if I put myself out there. I am going to take the practice exam for the first 60 hours this week and then chug along to the last 30 and second portion.
This weekend was a challenge on the sobriety front. I have learned the importance of going to meetings because if you miss one you might fuck up. Which I did. I will admit it. No one tells you going into this how shitty you will feel. The agitation, the depression, the “lost” feeling. I tried to keep myself busy with healthy activities. I deep cleaned the house, went kayaking, scavenged my parents private beach for seashells, cooked, everything you can think of. I am trying not to beat myself up for it, rather use it as a learning experience. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. Especially on the weekends. I have been networking with other women I know in the program and made plans to go to some meetings with them but I really need to find my place in all this. I REALLY need to find a sponsor that I can connect with and rely on. Doing this alone is way too hard. Especially when its two people trying to stay clean together. We can either build each other up or convince each other to slip up.
I have a new found respect for people who have come out on the other side and a new found understanding of people who can’t get it together. This is by far the hardest battle I have ever faced. It’s like running up hill with a fat guy on your back and the fat guy is all the shit you’ve done wrong and all the mistakes you’ve made. It’s so much easier to drop his ass and go back down the hill. But I don’t want to stop running. I want to run until I have the strength to make it to the top and never look back. I want sobriety so bad. So if I want it so bad why is it so hard? As I have watched my brother’s addiction to heroin spiral out of control for the past 5 years I would get furious at him. Why can’t he just get it together? Why can’t he stop? Why is he at his 20th rehab right now…hasn’t anything sunk in? & now I get it. We do not choose this life. We do not choose to have this disease. People who don’t have compassion for addicts must never have felt powerless and alone in their life. If they did they would understand the challenges we face everyday. Every day we have to make the choice to keep going or falling back and that is a big decision and a hard one when your brain and body want so badly to succumb to the addiction.
I am going to channel all my energy on obsessing over recovery. Weaker souls than mine have made it out of this. I have never backed down from a challenge and have succeeded at everything I have put my heart and mind to…this should be no different. I need a new moon like yesterday to do some moon magick for willpower. I definitely need to reiki the shit out of my solar plexus chakra. Ah, this is inspiring me to do a piece on the chakras and addiction. I will do some research today and probably put something together later.