I’m on my second cup of coffee for the day and ironically my second blog post. You can expect a lot more production out of me now that I am in recovery. The coffee is necessary because I am having some minor withdrawals and its wiping me out. Night time is the worst…I have been getting headaches and sweating a lot in my sleep but I guess that’s just my body pushing all the toxins and demons out of me. I look forward to when the night sweats stop though because they are quite unpleasant.
I decided to write again because I have been communicating with some truly lovely souls today and it’s uplifted me and made me feel like I truly can accomplish anything. It’s so refreshing to be able to talk to people that understand the battle and the struggle of relapse.
I won’t lie…reading the AA book today made me want a drink more than anything. My S/O promises that feeling goes away after awhile and has the opposite effect but for today it was challenging me. So I wanted to take time to write my reasons why to remind myself why I am doing this.
MY REASONS WHY
- Health– I am always bloated and puffy. My fingers are always swollen. I have constant heartburn and won’t even get into the weird shit my stomach does. I have headaches, my hands shake, and I feel weak. It also increases my anxiety when I don’t get enough sleep and have been up drinking all night.
- Weight– I follow the Keto diet perfectly and am losing weight at a snails pace. Obviously when you’re consuming alcohol your body will burn that before it burns fat. Hence, a pause in weight loss.
- Motivation – Since I started drinking heavily again my progress in Real Estate has plummeted. I was on course to be finished by June and now its more like July, but at least I didn’t quit! I also quit feeling motivated to work out, go places, even get out of bed.
- Hobbies– You want to know all the hobbies I threw out the window when I was drinking? Hiking. You can’t go hiking if you have a raging hangover or are still drunk from the night before. Writing. Look at how little I blogged. Look how little I spent on the Witty Witch Instagram or shop. Yoga. Can’t do downward dog when your head is spinning and you might barf on your mat. Reading. I am the kind of girl who can finish a book in a day or two. I finished two books in 5 months. Meditation/Reiki. I meditated and did reiki on myself TWO times. I used to do it everyday.
- Money – First, I was spending probably a good $100 on alcohol a week if not more. Second, I think I am Beyonce when I am drunk. $90 shoes? No problem! Airfare to NYC? Why not!? I have a freakin mortgage dude…what was I thinking on half the shit I bought?
- Relationships- I purposely left this one for last because it’s the most important one. Drinking had put a wall up between myself and so many people. All I wanted to do was recluse and when people would reach out to me I was usually ornery or bitter. I wasn’t being the kind and loving person I am by nature. I got into fights with people I normally never fight with. I said horrible things to some of them. I even fought with my S/O when we had no reason to be fighting. I also didn’t have a good relationship with myself. I started turning into a mean girl. I have a heart of gold and would give the shirt off my back to anyone who asked for it…but addicted me is a dick.
So you see. My life was not very enjoyable where I was but I was convinced alcohol made everything so much more fun/exciting/glamorous. Bullshit. It robbed me (well, I robbed myself) of all the joys and beauty this life has to offer. The universe is full of joy and happiness and you can’t tap into it when you are constantly tapping into a bottle of wine trying to find answers at the bottom. The answers can be found inside of you, but only when you are focused and clear headed. I am no expert and probably never will be. But for right now I am driven and ready to keep going for my reasons why. If I don’t get it down on “paper” I might forget like I did last time.
Oh yes, and don’t expect every blog to be all about how shitty I messed up my life. There will be a lot of witchy blissy things coming up!