As much as I want to crawl in a hole and recluse I have found no solace in anything else and writing is my therapy.
I bounce between extreme depression and trying to tell myself everything happens for a reason. I don’t need to get into or relive the details of why I am at a crossroads, the point is that I am.
I haven’t been living my life in a way that makes me proud. I have slipped up on too many things, spent too much money, acted irresponsibility and went to a place internally I had hoped I would never get to again. This feels like emotional rock bottom.
Although on a surface level I have done all the right things (work, school, graduating with honors, buying a house, etc.) I have not spiritually been taking care of myself. I started to really do well on my journey a few months back but I don’t think I was addressing or handling the extreme pain I was actually feeling. I was masking it in so many ways trying to escape it any way I could. I was making an effort to be spiritual and enlightened – to extreme measures even. But I have never been an expert at self-care.
So here I am back at the beginning. I can stay on the ground defeated or I can rise up. Trust me, pulling myself out of bed this morning required more effort than I thought possible, and in that moment I felt like saying “fuck it. I will just give up. I won’t go to work. I won’t open my eyes even.” But I am not the kind of person to do that.
To begin to heal entirely I have to admit that I buried my pain and didn’t heal myself properly. I tried but it became easier to drown it. I half ass took care of myself and for the wrong reasons. At the time I just wanted my boyfriend back. Then when I got over him but not the anger or pain of the situation I threw all my hard work out the window. A big FUCK you to the universe because how dare the world knock me down like that?
So I am going to let it all flow out and I couldn’t give a shit less who reads it and judges me, or whatever. This time I am doing this for me, and me alone.
For starters- all the pieces of shit men who abandoned me and made false promises. Fuck you. That may not be very spiritual but I don’t care. My healing does not need to come from wishing you well. I wish you get whatever it is you deserve because of your actions. My name is not Karma though and I can feel towards you however I feel and right now I am furious. Here’s some advice, don’t start dating a strong woman if you don’t know how to handle her. Don’t KEEP dating her and promise marriage then decide its “too hard” and randomly leave. There is no worse pain in this life than grieving the loss of a person who is still alive and forgiving someone who never said they are sorry. To feel as though you are worth NOTHING. That you are forgettable. It’s a horrid feeling and you need to know that it cuts deep and pulls people to dark places.
To myself- you have known this whole time you are being a shit head but you covered it up with excuses and bullshit. You convinced yourself that because you were accomplishing tangible things in life, you were on this path of greatness but really you were just abusing yourself internally. Neglecting to nurture the broken thing inside of you and covering it up with whatever could numb the pain. You have known it the whole time and you ignored it. I know your whole life has been surrounded by dysfunction, toxicity, addiction and neglect but you aren’t stupid. You knew you were succumbing to the darkness and you let it slide over you. No you actually ran to it with open arms. I am not going to beat you up over it, but THIS time you need to get right.
I am going off the grid for awhile. I will probably keep blogging because its the only thing that lifts the weight off of me. But social media is going to come to a halt other than inspiring things that lift my soul and give me hope. I am cutting down all my contacts and made my account private (except the witty witch because I don’t really post personal stuff on there anyways.) I just cant handle all the triggers right now. I need to focus on really building myself up again. It hurts to acknowledge I failed myself again, but at least I am strong enough to try. One more time, one more day at a time.