Last night was the second night in a row I was plagued by more nightmares. I woke up drenched in cold sweat not once but twice. To the extent I had to get up and change my clothes because they were soaked. At one point I woke myself up from punching and kicking the air from my nightmares. The others were too painful for me to even write about….but I need to write something, or anything to try and get myself over this hurdle.
This blog was created to not only share my love and light but to also get through the pains of life. At one point, the witty witch was my only silver lining.
The universe and my soul are trying to tell me something. There is something that I have left buried, some wound I left unhealed, or some irrational fear I am not addressing in my waking hours. I don’t know WHAT. I go to work…like always…do real estate homework, read my books, see my friends, cook dinner, walk to the beach…all the things I always do. I am in all senses of the word happy and content.
I am no stranger to random bouts of depression and anxiety. Usually it takes hindsight to figure out what was distressing me. The problem with clinical anxiety and depression is you never know if its environmentally being stimulated or chemically. Of course I am not naive enough not to know that any person that has endured any sort of trauma whether it be new or old, is likely to revisit it at some point in their life. They are called “emotional flashbacks.”
When I was in therapy I was assigned several self-help books and I know all the textbook symptoms of PTSD and heightened anxiety episodes. It’s good to be informed, as knowledge gives you some power over it. Even when the books explain what it is like to experience PTSD episodes, it never makes it easier when you are actually living in it.
I think the only thing to be done is face it head on. Sit myself down in that scary, dark, place and talk myself through it. One method I have read about is talking to your inner child to bring out whatever is scaring or upsetting you. How complex and odd are humans? We can bury something that at one point felt like it was going to kill us just to survive and we concede to the fact that we have won, but it is just an illusion.
I do not want my “emotional flashbacks” to be confused with current issues or something I might be experiencing now. There is a VERY big difference between current stresses and past traumas. Past traumas are harder to overcome because the memories are blurred around the edges and the clarity of the situation is marred. This is why it makes it so difficult for the one suffering to figure out the root of the problem. Is it stemming from something that happened in childhood? Is it a collection of all the little things that led to one big shit show of a life?
You can be happy and sad at the same time, trust me, I have lived that life. The best we can do is hold close the happiness but not slam the door on our suffering. This is what causes the pain to creep back into your heart and your soul. You HAVE to feel it, you have to heal and it takes blood, sweat, and tears. Even when you have healed there are scars on your soul and sometimes they pang for no apparent reason other than our minds are complex organs that are a safe deposit box for our sufferings and our joys, to be opened at the mind’s own leisure.
So again, another day will go by embracing all the messy parts of me. The good and the bad and looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you to the people who shine lights in my cracks and bring me back from the depths of darkness. & as a second thought, thank you to myself for always being there with an open heart and mind to get us through this.
EDITED TO ADD: Talking about this is both therapeutic and scary. Please be gentle with a soul that feels fragile right now.