Last night I had horrid nightmares about my past life and loves. I don’t take the deliverance of dreams lightly. There is a reason the universe is making us see the things we are seeing in our sleep or a reason our brain insists we revisit certain parts of our life. When I woke up I felt very shaken and in a dark place. It took me awhile to muddle through my thoughts and figure out why I had this dream. It took me even longer to find the strength to get out of bed.
The dream took place at the neighborhood I grew up in. There was a wedding going on at one of the houses. It was a great party (think Gatsby) and everyone was smiling and happy and I was floating around the room without a care in the world. Then night fell and the party’s frequency turned dark, the energy became charged with fear and stress. Some of my exes had showed up to the party with beautiful siren-esque women. If you’re a Harry Potter fan imagine the Veela. Everyone in the room became entranced by their beauty and when I looked down at myself I was wearing rags and no shoes. Horrified I wondered why I hadn’t gotten ready for such an elaborate and beautiful party. One by one my exes came up to me and spoke words so harsh tears are springing up right now thinking about them. They are unspoken NON-truths that I have carried inside of me. I know them to not be true which is why I am tormented that my brain would revert back to the scared, small, person I used to be.
“It’s your fault I hit you. If you were better you wouldn’t have gotten smacked.”
“I left because you aren’t good enough.”
“I cheated because she is better than you.”
“If you were skinnier I wouldn’t have strayed.”
“No one will ever love you the way I do. You aren’t worth the trouble.”
There was also physical abuse. The kind in a dream where you’re being hit and you can’t scream. Your voice won’t work. I just laid in my rags while this party raged on around me being kicked and slapped and no one noticed me.
-Some of these things were actual spoken words to me in real life…other’s were things I have told myself in the past. I spent a lot of time in therapy learning that relationships don’t work sometimes and that’s that. Sometimes, its at the fault of neither or both. Not one person can single-handedly ruin a relationship. And to use the word ruin is dramatic, because each relationship brings with it a lesson. People leaving you has nothing to do with you. Maybe there is a quality about you that doesn’t mesh well with their qualities but it shouldn’t be seen as a failure on your part.
So why did I have this dream? Trust me, it was a lot more horrific in my sleep and the details are blurred but it was awful. I think the reason I had this dream is because I am a perfectionist and I want my current relationship to be amazing and I am afraid I won’t stack up. Don’t get me wrong…everything is great. But I am afraid that I will be not good enough at some point. Everyone I have ever loved has left me, beat me, or broken me. It’s hard to open your heart and mind so freely when you have succumbed to such heart ache over and over again.
I could take the blame for allowing the wrong people into my life but I choose to look at it in another light. Despite my tumultuous life I have gone on with hope in my heart. I have trusted and opened up rather than recluse back into my shell and refuse to believe love doesn’t exist. To some that might be idiocy but to me that is strength.
There is also strength in recognizing why my brain operates the way it does. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I am a Libra (JESUS take the wheel.) It makes it difficult to not obsess on being perfect and having things a certain way. Those who suffer from OCD have incredible difficulty being present in the moment. In this moment I have my health, love, and happiness. But my brain wants to torment me with “what if in the future you aren’t good enough?” and “remember in the past when that happened?”
So for one more day I am going to remind myself to take a deep breath. Feel the moment. Allow the thoughts to enter my mind but to keep walking. Open the window and let them come and go as they please and acknowledge that the past can no longer hurt me, the present is good, and the future is as bright as I choose to manifest it to be.