Please forgive the potential sloppiness of this post. I am not thinking or feeling clearly at all and I just had to write to get it out of me. Although I am slammed at work prepping for litigation I just cannot focus another second without getting all of this off my chest.
I wrote previously about how I had to bring my brother back to rehab alone after he relapsed. It was scary and painful and all too familiar. By the grace of God we found a flight the next day and sent him to California again. He has been there about 60 days for a 90 day program. Yesterday I saw snap chats from him in Palm Springs…he is telling our friends and family he is on a road trip. YOU DON’T GET TO TAKE ROAD TRIPS WHEN YOU’RE IN A PROGRAM. He also claims he is going to sober living, but who even knows? Sober living has never once kept him clean…literally only phase one of treatment has kept him in line. I cannot stop crying thinking of that night when I picked him up and he was so sick. I can’t stop thinking of him breathing through a tube. I can’t stop thinking about the time he CRUELLY sent me a snap chat of his friends passed out with needles in the back of a car. How much more can this family take? He isn’t on a fucking road trip he is on a one way road to death and destruction. Am I used to him relapsing? YES. But it never gets easier, and I have a horrible feeling. Now he may not have relapsed…but he is out against medical advice in the streets.
In the past month I have had to cut out friendships that were important to me for my own sanity….just because I care for people doesn’t mean I will tolerate abuse. That also doesn’t make it easy to say goodbye. I found out other things today not related to my brother that I don’t want to get into but they are just adding to the weight on my shoulders.
I sat on the bathroom floor at work today and sobbed and sobbed. Then I had to drive to Seattle because my manfriend needed something. I DO NOT drive in the City. It was horrific as to be expected and I got lost per standard. I will say though that in that moment of sadness and panic seeing his lopsided grin and getting a brief kiss did alleviate some of my anxiety and sadness.
I am going to get a good workout in tonight and try to release this negative energy from the day. I have a full weekend of seeing my God Son for his 5th birthday (another tear sheds…where did the time go???) I was the birthing partner for my best friend and helped deliver him. One of the most magical moments of my life. I love that little boy with my whole heart! I also hope to get a hike in because this witty witch needs a nature fix.