Today I want to write about something that is weighing on my heart and mind so that I can release the weight and be free of it. I want to talk about toxicity. Something that I have struggled with my whole life. It took me 29 years and A LOT of money in therapy to realize something that comes very simply to others. You do not need to allow people to stay in your life if they are toxic.
What a concept. My current therapist explained to me like this: People will come and knock on your door all the time, you don’t always open the door to let everyone in. You should view access to your heart and soul in the same light. People will knock, but you can keep the door shut. You do not owe any person parts of you that you do not feel comfortable sharing. Regardless of whether they are family or long time friends. That is what I struggled the most with accepting. I believed if I had history with a person or was related to them, I had to try and make things work. I’m not talking about petty bickering or arguments. I am talking about toxic relationships that are fueled by manipulation, verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse, or the person merely being unhappy and negative. All of that negative energy surrounding you can exhaust you mentally and physically. I used to have so many toxic relationships and friendships and I would absorb all of it. If someone hurt me I thought of it as a direct consequence of something I must have done to “deserve it” or even if I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong I accepted it as “it is what it is” or chalked it up to a bad moment. But when the moments start becoming more frequent…it’s no longer a moment, its a pattern.
I have spoken before on the fact that I am an empath. To extreme degrees. When I do reiki on people I more often than not cry just from feeling their sadness come off of them. It takes its toll on a person to feel so deeply. I recognize that hurt people, hurt people. Which is one of the reasons I accept apologies I shouldn’t and brush off abuse. It’s become more frequent lately and I was reminded about how hard I have worked to get to this place of acknowledging toxicity and letting it go.
So here is the deal… I know a lot of people that know me personally read this. If you are a person who has gotten drunk and abused me verbally, I am done with it. There is sadly more than one of you so I will keep it as a general statement as you probably know who you are. If you have wasted your energy judging me and hurting me it ends today.
I am forgiving you for my own heart’s peace but I am letting you go. I am a good friend and person and although I make mistakes, I don’t deserve to be a verbal punching bag. Just because I live MY life the way I choose and see fit does not give anyone the right to make unprovoked attacks or comments. If you don’t pay my bills, feed me, support me, give me orgasms, or you just want to talk shit to talk shit… please kindly sit the fuck down. Evaluate your own life before you come wreaking havoc on my emotions. If you’re hurting, deal with that. Build your people up. If you tear them down your foundation with people is shaky at best and its hard to build back that strength…eventually you will find yourself alone because I refuse to be the pillar that props you up just for you to beat me down.
I have spent the past 3 months of my life re-focusing my energy on being a more awakened and happy individual and I walked through a lot of storms to get where I am. So I am asking those of you that aren’t working on bettering yourself and want to pull me back into the storm to let me go too.
I wish you well and hope you can meet me on the other side someday.