Let’s talk about self improvement. There are whole sections of self help books in the library. There are blogs on blogs about learning to love yourself. There are therapists that help you wade through your muddled thoughts and maybe get a glimpse of clarity. But this too has taken me 29 years to figure out…. you simply have to do it alone. Books, blogs, and therapists are simply tools, while you are the instrument. There is a quote from Cheryl Strayed that explains this perfectly
“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Acceptance is a small quiet room.”
And that is the scary truth. You can’t run from the pain, you certainly can’t hide from it; you have to sit in a quiet, dark, room with it. Look it right in the face and figure out how you can turn it in your favor to make you stronger and better.
People have always said I am so strong. But I am a fraud. I abuse alcohol to not feel the pain, I flirt with dangerous situations and men to make myself feel invincible, and yet I still end up in that quiet, dark, room. Alone with my pain. For 29 years I have put a wall up between myself and that mother-fucker. No more. I am going to smash it to pieces and from the pieces build my foundation back up. There will be cracks and it will be ugly but it will be mine. It will be my saving grace.
“You will learn a lot about yourself if you stretch in the direction of goodness, of bigness, of kindness, of forgiveness, of emotional bravery. Be a warrior for love.”