My entire life I have dealt with one heart break by replacing it with a new, unhealthy, relationship. I say unhealthy for no relationship can work when you’re still battling your demons. This recent relationship is the exception. Real, true, love did develop. This time around I want to, no need to, do it right. The old me would be downloading Tinder, flirting with everyone in my contacts list, and flying off to some exotic destination to run from the pain. I have never once, until now, used a breakup as a powerful tool for self reflection and growth. That in itself is a huge realization. Because of my serial rebound status, I have only been half full. I only half loved myself and therefore needed someone else to love me to fill me the rest of the way up. I have pent up a million insecurities inside of me from all the pain I have left inside of me and that overflowed onto my partner which was not fair to him. On all surface levels I was completely sane and loving. But there was a darkness inside of me from the past that I never confronted and it would rear its ugly head in my weakest moments. This led me to be an angry and bitter person. As I write this I weep at how my pain flowed out onto the person I love the most. It would be so much easier to call him an asshole and say he abandoned me. But that simply isn’t true. He loves me and saw something broken inside of me that I need to fix. Not for him, not for anyone else but myself. As hard as this is, the biggest blessing he could give me was a second chance at loving myself and battling my demons.
The thing is, I am a pretty bad ass girl. I am adventurous, smart, loving, and kind. I deserve love and a long, happy relationship. But first I need to find out how to really love myself. I need to accept the past hurts then wash away what no longer serves me or what continues to hurts me.
As the shock and pain of a relationship ending recedes and realizations hit you, its hard. No one wants to analyze what they did wrong in a relationship and accept it, but its necessary if you want to move on healthy for you, and healthy for your next partner or the return of the last.
The next step I need to do is stop obsessing on how to “make things work”. THANK GOD I started practicing mindfulness the past year because it’s so easy to spiral out of control running along side all the what ifs that are rolling around in your head. This will not make me stronger or benefit me in any way. It will simply be a form of self-torture and right now, I need to heal myself and grow.
Life hasn’t always been easy for me. I have survived a lot of loss and bumps in the road. Instead of storing them inside of me, I need to release them and start new. What a fabulous time to come to this realization with the recent passing of the new moon. The intention is set and the path is clear. Off I go.